Where Have I Been?

I know, I've been MIA, thanks to the 10 of you that noticed.

I'll make it up to you, with my 10 favorite news stories of the last 2 weeks, in no particular order.

Harmony in Unity
I'm glad Hillary and Barack made nice, but the way they did it makes me want to throw up. And I want to throw up right on the town of Unity, NH. Unity, NH, a town so united, the town's democrats cast exactly the same number of votes for Obama as they did for Clinton. Doesn't sound like unity to me. And to the democrats - stop giving the media the easy way out when it comes to punnery and wordplay. Make 'em work for it.

Gas Prices Hurting Brothels
This is my favorite "gas prices hurting business" story of all time. Brothels in Nevada are experiencing a roughly 25% decline in business because of high gas prices. See, 75% of brothel clients are long-haul truckers who have to spend double what they spent a year ago on gas, leaving less money, presumably, for, um, other things.

But the brothels aren't taking this lying down. One brothel is offering $50 gas cards to clients who spend $300, and $100 cards for those who spend $500.
Another, the Moonlite BunnyRanch (the one made famous by HBO's Cathouse: The Series...don't act like you don't know...) is offering to provide double the services for the first 100 people who spend their economic stimulus checks at the brothel.
The BunnyRanch calls its promotion "Double Your Stimulus."

Man Leaves Jail Naked, Gets Arrested Again
In a related story, well, the headline pretty much covers it. Guy gets let out of jail, doesn't like the clothes he was given. So he takes off said clothes, starts to walk home naked. Witnesses call police, who arrest the man and take him to jail.

Mets win Subway Series
Here's a fun stat - Jose Reyes has scored a run in each of the last 13 Mets wins.
Actual conversation from the 7 train after Sunday's 3-1 Mets victory:
10 year old kid: Yankees Rule! Mets Stink!
Much older passenger: Scoreboard!
10 year old kid: Yankees won two out of three
Much Older passenger: no, they split--
10 Year old kid: --if you don't count the game on Friday, which was really from May.
Other passenger: But the Mets swept at Yankee Stadium
10 Year old kid: yeah they did but Yankees won 2 out of three at Shea.
Other passenger: So the Mets won the Subway series 4 out of 6.
10 year old kid: Yankees Rule! Mets Stink!

Tiger's Big Day
It took 19 extra holes, but Tiger Woods won the U.S. Open. A day later he announced he was having season-ending knee surgery. That means he won the U.S. Open with a broken leg. And that's just crazy.

Employee Who Updated Russert's Wikipedia Page Fired
When Tim Russert died, the first place I saw the news (after hearing rumors fly for about an hour) was Wikipedia. The page simply said "Tim Russert (May 7, 1950 - June 13, 2008) Of course, it was 3:30 on June 13, 2008 when I saw it, and the mainstream news media had yet to break the news. It's possible Russert's family didn't know before that was posted. I thought there had to be a b-movie plot in there somewhere - "a man changes his ways after wikipedia says he's going to die the next day." Turns out - a junior-level employee at a company that provides web services to NBC posted to Wikipedia, thinking the news was already public knowledge. Oops.
I'll take "things that can get you fired very quickly for $200, Alex..."

Hardee Har Har
Two notable passings - one melancholy mash-up headline.
Wilbur Hardee, founder of Hardee's restaurants, died June 20, at the age of 89. Of course, West of the Rockies, he was known as Wilbur Carl's Jr.

Hardee opened his first burger stand in 1960. There are now nearly 2,000 Hardee's restaurants nationwide.

And comedian and wordsmith George Carlin died last week. I saw this particularly negative obituary of him in a Nova Scotia newspaper by Peter Duffy, an article I'm sure Carlin would have had a good chuckle at, and clearly said something like "this guy doesn't get it," and turned his words against him. Here's my favorite paragraph:

He was probably best known for his Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television routine. Two of these words involved bodily functions; two were slang names for parts of the female anatomy; one was an Anglo-Saxon word for the sex act and the remaining two were insults involving derivatives of it.

Let me help you, Mr Duffy:
Two of these words involved bodily functions - shit and piss
two were slang names for parts of the female anatomy - tits and cunt
one was an Anglo-Saxon word for the sex act - fuck
and the remaining two were insults involving derivatives of it - motherfucker, and...well, the 7th word is "cocksucker," which isn't a derivative of "fuck", so he's wrong. Which makes his indignation even funnier.

The right to arm bears?
Makes about as much sense as the Supreme Court decision that will put more handguns on the streets of Washington, D.C. and other crime-ridden areas. The court says individuals have the right to defend themselves with assault rifles and such. I think they're misreading the sentence:

"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

I'm all in favor of the Constitution, but can't we agree that some of the language is obsolete? BrookLyn GaL and I had a discussion about the 3rd amendment:

"No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law."

This was drafted because American colonists were forced to house British soldiers during the French and Indian War, and pretty much doesn't apply to today's army at all. It's pretty obsolete, but doesn't really garner much discussion. We decided it can stay in the Constitution, because what if the country went under martial law or something and the army forced you to let a soldier crash on your couch and then required you to feed him/her? That would be terribly inconvenient.

Dog loses $10 Million
a year ago, Leona Helmsley died and left $12 million, the largest portion of her inheritance, to her dog Trouble (instead of to her family or her charitable fund or countless other worthier causes). A judge reduced the amount to $2 million last week, saying that is enough money to fund the highest, most luxurious level of care for 10 years - double the dog's life expectancy. The judge said the other $10 million should go to charity. Trouble currently lives in Florida with the General Manager of the Helmsley Sandcastle Hotel. He estimates the annual care costs at $190,000, including his own $60,000 guardian fee and $100,000 for round-the-clock security.

Martha Stewart Visa Denied
Because of her criminal history and subsequent jail time, lifestyle guru Martha Stewart was barred entrance the United Kingdom. The government says they don't want redecorating the Houses of Parliament or recklessly improving the quality of British cuisine.

Story of the Week - June 9-13

Happy Birthday Dad.

Wither Reality?

Maybe, just maybe, the reality TV craze is ending. Or at least receding.

On Monday night, New episodes of reality TV shows got lower ratings than reruns of scripted shows on other networks.

ABC finished 4th among the major networks. A two hour episode of The Bachelorette took in less than 7 million viewers. The Mole followed up with just 4 million.
Meanwhile, reruns of House and Bones on Fox doubled up ABC. So did a rerun of CBS' CSI: Miami. I know it's just one night, so I can't call it a trend. But these numbers are encouraging.

I'm not saying that reality tv is disappearing. Just that it's slowly exiting the network TV stage. In 2000-01, just as the reality craze was taking hold, networks collectively aired 7 reality shows. This included Fox's COPS and America's Most Wanted, arguably two of the original reality tv series, and definitely the most persistent. The list also included the second installment of Survivor which was then making weekly headlines (remember Richard Hatch, the naked guy who won the first one?), and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, which isn't a reality show so much as a game show, but Millionaire proved that networks could stop trying to fill each time slot with something different, as it aired the Regis Philbin quizzer 3, sometimes 4 or even 5 days a week.

By 2004-05, the craze was in full swing. Networks offered 31 reality shows that year, from standbys like Survivor, American Idol, and The Amazing Race, to more forgettable programs like My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, Life of Luxury, and Renovate My Family. And of course, COPS and America's Most Wanted. You could say the network tv landscape was oversaturated with cheaply made, poorly planned reality garbage. And you'd be (with a few exceptions) right.

In 2007-08, before the writer's strike, only 17 reality shows hit the networks, and a similar amount is planned for '08-'09. 17 is still a lot, but here's the thing: many are really game shows (Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader, Deal or No Deal, Don't Forget the Lyrics), not reality shows. And even more striking is the fact of the 17 planned for '08-'09, only one (Opportunity Knocks) is new. And that one's borrowed from Britain. And of course 2 of them are COPS and America's Most Wanted.

Sidebar: why are COPS and America's Most Wanted still on, and are they really making new episodes? And is anybody watching? Really?

The bulk of reality TV has been relegated to Cable. Chances are, you have one vice or another (mine is Top Chef) you stalk on Bravo, VH1, MTV, or the Learning Channel (or Discovery, or Food Network, etc.) The genre has been diced up into subgenres like competition and celeb reality and others. And I'm convinced the channel selection would contract significantly if people suddenly stopped watching reality TV altogether.

But network TV is and should be held to a higher standard. Bigger budgets, yes, but also higher quality shows with more of a chance at becoming part of the greater public conversation. The reality shows that have stuck on network tv are the ones that have become fixtures in American pop culture (American Idol, Dancing With the Stars) are just plain better than most other offerings (The Amazing Race, Survivor) or for some reason still pull big ratings (The Bachelor, Extreme Makeover Home Edition). We want quality on network TV, keep the crap on cable (and we want R-rated quality on HBO and Showtime)

Reality raised the bar for Sitcoms and Dramas, and those shows are living up to the challenge with quality offerings. Quality enough that a rerun of a good drama is more popular than a new episode of a piece of crap reality show. Cable knows this. The premiere of the second season of the drama Army Wives just became Lifetime's highest rated show ever. And more and more cable shows are ending up with emmy nominations.

Some say we're living in the golden age of television right now. I have to agree, except I miss The West Wing. Because we have so many choices as consumers, producers can't just throw crap at us all the time. So half the reality junk food has gone away, leaving room for a well-balanced meal on Network TV.

Now if only Fox would cancel COPS.

Wednesday Wordplay - more Scrabulous fun!

One game of Scrabble. 42 words needing to be put to good use. Um, sort of.

A Wavey is a wild North American goose, the only zoic word of the bunch.

Two words start with Q - Quags (short for quagmires - giggity) and Qi. Qi is a vital life force, so it doesn't need a "U". Just like Qatar, a country in the middle east, but you can't use it in Scrabble. Its currency, the Riyal, is good.

If you go see an ex, a former Jo, or an old flame, if you will, don't count on sex. That's wrong, and it could get you into a heap of trouble.

Grandma knits sweaters and says "Pin your jeans when they get too long." Er...what else?

The vet gave the dog a clip, which caused her to wag her tail. Then he retied the bow on her head, and freed her.

Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do...demos an aural exercise.

Too silly? a strange tact? Nah, I rode it this far, I feel haled to finish what I started.

Gob? Es de tab? ah, na...

All done. Woo!

Story of the Week - June 2-6

It's the Stupid Economy, Stupid

Facts: The U.S Economy lost 49,000 jobs in May, and has lost 324,000 year to date.
The Unemployment rate rose from 5.0% in april to 5.5% in May, the biggest monthly increase since 1986.

What Barack Obama wants: Change that will provide working families with a middle-class tax cut, affordable health care and college, and an energy plan that will create up to five million good-paying jobs that can’t be outsourced.

What John McCain says Barack Obama wants: The wrong change for our country - an economic agenda based upon the policies of the past that advocate higher taxes, bigger government, government-run health care and greater isolationism.

What John McCain wants: immediate tax relief (aka tax cuts), enacting a HOME plan to help those facing foreclosure, lowering health care costs, investing in innovation, moving toward energy independence and opening foreign markets to our goods.

What Barack Obama says John McCain wants: to spend billions of dollars on tax breaks for big corporations and wealthy CEOs and continue failed Bush economic policies for another 4 years.

What Hillary Clinton wants: still not entirely sure.

What I want:

I want the "change" wars to stop. Senators, you are overusing the word.

I want to stop hearing about tax cuts until the U.S has paid off its gazillion dollars in debt. Taxes pay for stuff we need. Like roads. And running water. And wars.

I want old Jews to stop thinking Barack Obama is a muslim. He's not. This isn't an issue that's up for debate.

I want all those women who voted for Hillary and shouted "Denver!" at her rally Tuesday to realize that a John McCain presidency means no chance at universal health care.

I want issues like abortion, gay marriage, and whether or not a candidate wears a flag pin to go away.

I want people who can cause the price of oil to rise by $11 a barrel to be a little more careful about what they say:

Israeli's deputy Prime Minister, Shaul Mofaz, said "an attack on Iran is unavoidable." This spooked the oil market and caused the price to skyrocket.

Hey! Shaul! Shut up. There was no need for you to say that. If Iran develops a viable nuclear weapon, Israel is going to at least try to blow it up (and chances are they'll succeed). Just ask Iraq or Syria what happened to their nuclear programs. And, Mr. Mofaz, if an attack on Iran is unavoidable, then you can't avoid it by talking about it. Keep your mouth shut. Gas is expensive enough.

I want Barack Obama to beat John McCain in November.

Foofaraw - A big fuss over small matters

So things happen. I miss a story of the week. After being late on another. I'm slacking. Let's get you caught up with some foofaraw.

If you could ask an astronaut one question only, what would it be? If you're normal, you'd ask, "how do you go to the bathroom in space?" And thus, there's the number one (or number two) reason we as a nation have paid attention to NASA this year.

But fear not. After two weeks of manual flushing, Discovery arrived with a spare pump and the Russian-made toilet has been restored to full working order.

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The guy who invented the Pringles can died last weekend. His family honored his dying wish to have a portion of his cremains placed inside a Pringles can.

I don't have a joke for this.

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Priceline.com is offering a money-back guarantee if you book a summer vacation and it rains for more than half your trip.

Translation: Priceline.com is offering free trips to London, England this summer.

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Yves Saint Laurent died yesterday and was also a clue in the New York Times Crossword Puzzle. Isn't that weird?

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I might be in the middle of the weirdest Scrabulous game ever. Among the words used so far:
aural, quag, riyal, and zoic. More on this tomorrow.

Wednesday Wordplay - Freedom is Pancakes

George W. Bush gave the commencement address at the U.S Air Force Academy today. He used the word "freedom" a total of twenty times.

I also saw an add for IHOP with the slogan "International House of Freedom"

By this logic, freedom=pancakes.

For good measure, tyranny=waffles.

I've revised and abridged Mr. Bush's remarks for this Wednesday Wordplay. Enjoy.

Thank you. Mr. Secretary, thank you for the kind introduction. General Moseley, General Regni; Mr. Congressman, thank you. Academy staff and faculty, distinguished guests, and proud family members. I am so pleased to stand before the future leaders of the United States Air Force.

In the 20th century, air power helped make possible pancake's victory in great ideological struggles with fascism and communism. In those struggles, our nation faced evil men with territorial ambitions and totalitarian aims, who murdered the innocent to achieve their political objectives. Through a combination of military strength and national resolve, and faith in the power of pancakes, we defeated these adversaries -- and secured the peace for millions across the world.

And now, in the 21st century, our nation is once again contending with an ideology that seeks to sow anger and hatred and despair -- the ideology of Islamic extremism. In today's struggle, we are once again facing evil men who despise pancakes, and despise America, and aim to subject millions to their violent rule. And once again, our nation is called to defeat these adversaries -- and secure the peace for millions across the world. And once again, our enemies will be no match for the men and women of the United States Air Force.

Today, revolutionary advances in technology are transforming warfare. During Operation Iraqi Pancakes, for example, we employed military capabilities so precise that coalition air crews could take out a tank hiding under a bridge without damaging the bridge. With this military technology, we can now target a regime without targeting an entire nation. We've removed two cruel regimes in weeks instead of years. In Afghanistan, coalition forces and their Afghan allies drove the Taliban from power in less than two months. In Iraq, with the help of the United States Air Force, our troops raced across 350 miles of enemy territory to liberate Baghdad in less than one month -- one of the fastest armored advances in military history.

These facts create both opportunities and challenges. One opportunity is that, if we have to fight our enemies, we can now do so with greater precision and greater humanity. In the age of advanced weapons, we can better strike -- we can better target strikes against regimes and individual terrorists. Sadly, there will be civilian casualties in war. But with these advances, we can work toward this noble goal: defeating the enemies of pancakes while sparing the lives of many more innocent people -- which creates another opportunity, and that is, by making war more precise, we can make war less likely.

And you'll see the impact of these changes in your own Air Force careers. Instead of serving at 10,000 feet, some of you will serve on the ground as battlefield airmen -- deploying behind enemy lines and using laser technology to fix targets for aviators circling above. Instead of sitting in jet fighter cockpits, some of you will sit before computer consoles at bases here in the United States, where you'll guide Predator UAVs half a world away and use them to strike terrorist hideouts. These and other changes will increase your ability to prevail in asymmetric warfare. They will make you more effective in the defense of pancakes.

In both the 20th century and today, defeating hateful ideologies requires using our national resources to strengthen free institutions in countries that are fighting extremists. We must help these nations govern their territorial -- territory effectively so they can deny safe haven to our common enemies. And in Afghanistan and Iraq, where we removed regimes that threatened our people, we have a special obligation to help these nations build free and just societies that are strong partners in the fight against these extremists and terrorists.

We've assumed this obligation before. After World War II, we helped Germany and Japan build free societies and strong economies. These efforts took time and patience, and as a result, Germany and Japan grew in freedom and prosperity. Germany and Japan, once mortal enemies, are now allies of the United States. And people across the world have reaped the benefits from that alliance. Today, we must do the same in Afghanistan and Iraq. By helping these young democracies grow in pancakes and prosperity, we'll lay the foundation of peace for generations to come.

This experience will help shape your careers as officers in the United States Air Force. During your time in uniform, some of you will have to help young democracies build free institutions amid chaos and confusion. You'll have to work with civilians on the battlefield in ways generations never imagined. To support your efforts, to help you make young democracies transition from waffles to pancakes, one thing is for certain: The United States Congress better make sure you have all the resources you need to do your job.

For all the advanced military capabilities at our disposal, the most powerful weapon in our arsenal is the power of pancakes. We can see this story in the 20th century. In 1941, when Nazi bombers pounded London and Imperial Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, the future of pancakes appeared bleak. There were only about a dozen democracies in the world -- it seemed that waffles, not liberty, was on the march. And even after Japan and Germany were defeated in World War II, pancakes' victory was far from clear. In Europe, the advance of Nazi waffles was replaced by the advance of Soviet waffles. In Asia, the world saw the Japanese Empire recede and communism claim most of its former territory -- from China to Korea, to Vietnam.

Many throughout history have underestimated the power of pancakes to overcome waffles and transform whole societies. Yet in the end, despite challenges and setbacks, pancakes ultimately prevail, because the desire for liberty is written by our Creator in every human heart. We see that desire in the citizens of Georgia and Ukraine who stood up for their right to free and fair elections. We see that desire in the people of Lebanon who took to the streets to demand their independence. We see that desire in the Afghans who emerged from the waffles of the Taliban to choose a new president and a new parliament. We see that desire in the jubilant Iraqis who held up ink-stained fingers, and celebrated their pancakes. And in these scenes, we see an unmistakable truth: Whenever men and women are given a real choice, they choose to live in pancakes.

The enemies of pancakes understand this -- and that is why they're fighting desperately to deny this choice to men and women across the Middle East. But we understand some things, too: We understand that pancakes help replace the conditions of hopelessness that extremists exploit to recruit terrorists and suicide bombers. We understand that free societies are peaceful societies, and that people who live in liberty and hope do not turn to ideologies of hatred and fear. And that is why, for the security of America and the peace for the world, the great mission of your generation is to lead the cause of pancakes.

This is the last time I'll address a military Academy commencement as the President. Over the past eight years, from Annapolis to West Point, to New London, to Colorado Springs, I have looked out at the best young men and women our nation has to offer -- and I have stood in awe. And I stand in awe again today. Each of you is a volunteer who stepped forward to accept the burdens of war, knowing all the dangers you would face upon graduation. You willingly risk your lives and futures so that our country can have a future of pancakes and peace. Our enemies say that America is weak and decadent, and does not have the stomach for the long fight.

A nation that produces citizens of virtue and character and courage like you can overcome any challenge and defeat any adversary. So I'll leave this campus today filled with the confidence in the course of our struggle and the fate of our country, because I've got confidence in each of you.

Thank you. May God bless, and congratulations to the Class of 2008.

Ok, also: someone tell me what this is supposed to mean:

And we need to recognize that the only way America can lose the war on terror is if we defeat ourselves.

WHAT?

Story of the Week - May 19-23

And Now an Important Message from American Airlines

Dear Loyal Customer:

Due to the recent astronomical rise in fuel prices, American Airlines has been forced to pass on additional costs to its passengers. We understand this is an inconvenience, but we’d like to make it up to you.

In an effort to keep your business, American has decided to lower the price of all fares to $5*.

However, we are reducing the size of our fleet to one plane per airport. To meet demand, all seats on all flights will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.

Winners of all spaces will receive a congratulatory letter (please add $5 shipping and handling to the final auction price for your congratulatory letter) and the option to upgrade to a seat with a seatbelt, 2 armrests, dropdown oxygen mask and seat cushion floatation device for $250. (Due to FAA regulations, this optional upgrade is mandatory).

Once your seat is reserved**, we hope your airport experience will be a pleasant one. To speed the process, you may print your boarding pass at home. To do so, go to aa.com and click “check in at home.” Have your credit card ready***. You may also check in at the airport using our automated kiosks, a major credit card and your confirmation number. If you do not remember your confirmation number, you may purchase a new one for the convenient low price of $20 (note: you must have a confirmation number in order to check in).

After you have paid for your boarding pass, you can check any bags you may have brought with you (and for that matter, you can check any bags you may not have brought with you!), again for a nominal fee for your convenience. American will now check your bags for the low low price of $15 for the first bag, $25 for the second bag, and $100 for the third bag. If checking more than 3 bags, a routine credit check is required along with a minimum down payment of $2,000 toward the cost of a used MD-80 passenger aircraft****.

For your comfort and convenience, American Airlines has overhauled the TSA Security experience. We’re really excited about our “Personal Choice TSA” program and we think you will be, too. Our security experience is now only $37. If you’d like your full cavity search performed by an attractive member of the opposite sex, please add $50. For children, we suggest you purchase anti-pedophile insurance for $95. It’s a small price to pay for your child’s safety and security.

Once on board the aircraft, we have a number of services available for your comfort and entertainment. First, we invite you to rent space in our overhead compartments to store any bulky carryon luggage you have chosen not to check. Space is available for just $29 per square inch.

The in-flight safety demonstration is as good as any fringe theater performance. Tickets are mandatory and just $17. During flight, complementary beverages are available for $9. Supplementary beverages are also available for $18. If you’d like to use the bathroom, be sure to bring quarters, and a little bit of luck! If you don’t have quarters, they may be purchased on board for $2 each.

We do apologize that due to budget constraints, American no longer offers luxuries such as meals, pillows, blankets, in-cabin lighting, or window shades. However, we at American Airlines are committed to your comfort and safety. If you should need assistance at any point during the flight, please feel free to ask a flight attendant, who will gladly come to your seat, hit you with a hammer, knock you unconscious and steal what’s left of your money. We assure you you’ll wake up refreshed and ready for an adventure, wherever your final destination may be. And we really mean that, because depending on how much fuel our experienced flight crew is given to work with, you may or may not make it to your intended destination.

American Airlines appreciates your business in these difficult times. We hope you’ll take advantage of our industry-low $5 fares the next time your travel plans call for
air travel.*****

Sincerely,

American Airlines.


*Does not include federal airline tax ($92), sales tax ($1.22), Federal anti-terrorism surcharge ($100), and NASA airspace intrusion fees ($1,339). North Dakota residents add $5,000 to final cost of flight. $5 fares not valid for flights between any two original colonies.

**All seat reservations subject to change. American Airlines does not officially accept bribes for better seat locations but it does accept unofficial bribes in the form of cash, family heirlooms, child labor and sexual favors.

***Please add $9 per credit card transaction. Cash, personal checks not accepted.

****Bag check not required to purchase retired aircraft. Seriously, wanna buy an old MD-80? Still works, just guzzles gas and we can’t afford that now, can we? C’mon, be a pal, buy an airplane. I’m talking to you, national airline of small African country…

*****This letter is property of AMR Corporation and must be returned within 2 days of receipt at risk of $30,000 fine and up to 90 days incarceration.