Story of the Week -- July 23-27

Welcome, readers of http://www.crooksandliars.com/! And thanks for including me as the second "E" in that impeachment acrostic and for spreading that all over.

Welcome to The Full Circle. Stay a while, read some stuff, write some comments, offer me a column or a book deal. You know, whatever you want...

Here's the story of the week.

Stop Everything! Beyonce fell down!

This is not news. It's a non-story. It will make you a more informed citizen. This is not something you need to know.

But it's fuckin' hilarious.

"Beyonce falls down at concert in Orlando." This headline garners two reactions:

1. So what?

2. Can I see?

And thanks to cell phone cameras, YouTube and the 24 Hour news beast (including my esteemed employer), you can see it over and over and over and over again, and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Well, at least until Beyonce's peeps figured out a way to get it off the web. and they did, citing copyright restrictions and cruelty to really hot pop divas.

This is how the story should have been told: "Oh my God, yo, my friend was at the Beyonce concert last night, and so dude, he said she was doin' some song and wearin' these ridiculous shoes and she trips and totally eats it, like a freakin' forward roll. Dude I heard it was hilarious." Because essentially, the mainstream news media was just helping to spread gossip. It's not a story.

The only reason it even makes the news is because some shlub who was recording the Beyonce concert on his cell phone so he could go home and relive the experience in poor quality on a one inch screen was at the right place at the right time, with the camera just high enough above the crowd to catch a glimpse of Beyonce when she suddenly took a remarkable tumble. And that same shlub went home and put the thing on YouTube.

We need new rules about YouTube (somebody call Bill Maher). The first should be: It's not important just because a million people watch it. And the second: It's not a phenomenon anymore when somebody "happens to catch something on his cell phone camera" and then it goes viral on the Internet.

It doesn't mean I didn't watch the video six or seven times. I mean, it was funny. She's dancing, head-banging and stuff and then she catches a heel, does a full flip down six or seven steps. Then..then! She begs her fans NOT to post it on YouTube. Hahahahahahaha! Yeah, right! Like that's gonna happen.

Without video like this, there probably wouldn't be a YouTube, or it wouldn't be as successful. Late night talk show hosts would have a little less material to work with. And America's Funniest Home Videos wouldn't exist.

But we'd still have news. Beyonce falling down is not news. Well, unless you're a chiropractor, apparently:

"It's been said that it's all fun and games until someone
gets hurt, and then it's hysterical. There's nothing funny about having symptoms
and conditions that could have possibly been avoided with a thorough
chiropractic checkup and a follow-up with the appropriate chiropractic
care.

Hey! Put down your cell phone and get that poor diva a chiropractor!
http://www.planetc1.com/cgi-bin/n/v.cgi?c=1&id=1185517622.

Two other stories that are better and more newsworthy than Beyonce falling down:

First, Ok, well this isn't news yet but it could be. And before I go on...I hate the Yankees.

There. Now, Alex Rodriguez hit his 499th career home run this week in Kansas City. But it could have been his 500th home run.

Tonight, the Yankees will play the remainder of a game against the Baltimore Orioles that was suspended on June 28th due to rain. They will restart the game in the 8th inning, with Derek Jeter on second base, Hideki Matsui at bat and A-Rod on deck.

All stats recorded will count for June 28th. So if A-Rod homers, technically, that home run is #493 and the one he hit on Wednesday is #500.

This same bizarre technicality affected Barry Bonds in his rookie season. The Pirates played the conclusion of a suspended game in August. Barry made his ML debut in May of that season, but he won the suspended game with an RBI single. So, technically, Barry Bonds got his first major league hit before he was called up to the major leagues. Or, he got it after he already had 50 ML hits and 10 home runs.

Confused?? Read this: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/27/sports/baseball/27homerun.html?_r=1&ref=sports&oref=slogin

And perhaps the most important story this week, they have finally chosen a successor for Bob Barker, and it's Drew Carey. Not sure how I feel, in a "could be good, could be bad" sort of way.

When Rod Roddy died, I thought I'd never get used to another announcer's voice, but the new guy (whose name I don't know) is pretty good. I'm not expecting Drew to be exactly like Bob. They're definitely different people. But if Carey is light on shtick and just hosts the show and interacts with people and tries to be himself, he could be a good fit.

But those are some pretty big shoes to fill. Just like no Denver Broncos quarterback will ever measure up to John Elway, and no Chicago Bull can ever be Michael Jordan, etc etc, for millions of people, nobody can be the next Bob Barker.

FOOFARAW

Today is Flag Day.

Flag day commemorates the adoption of the US Flag by the Second Continental Congress in 1777. It was proclaimed a holiday by President Woodrow Wilson in 1916, and made National Flag Day by an act of Congress in 1949.

The largest Flag Day Parade in America takes place in (where else?) Troy, NY. This is from the Troy website:

Troy's most enduring event, The Troy Flag Day Parade is now in its 40th
continuous year and is the largest parade in the nation in honor of the American
flag. The 2007 edition of the Troy Flag Day Parade takes place Sunday, June 10th
with a line up of exciting attractions. The Parade steps off at 1:00pm Sunday,
June 10th with many new attractions added to the line-up

No day off for Flag Day? They had to move the parade to Sunday? You're lame, Troy, NY. Have some respect, celebrate on the actual Flag Day.

http://www.troyny.org/visittroy/flagdayparade.html
=========================================================

Here's a few more fusses over matters of little importance...

Top 10 Reasons I won't be getting an iPhone when it comes out on June 29th:
10. I already have a phone.
9. I already have an iPod.
8. That thing is wayyyy too cool for me.
7. I'm secretly hoping it doesn't sell so CNN doesn't feel obligated to report the sales record.
6. Full color screen? movies, music, email, internet and a phone in that little thing? How long does the battery last, 5 minutes?
5. TV on my phone? Who gives a shit? I want a car that flies and folds into a brief case!
4. It costs $500 AND you have to join Cingular (which is now AT&T. That doesn't make them any better)
3. Commercials every 5 minutes on TV telling me how cool the iPhone is, displacing the awesome Mac/PC commercials
2. There's NO WAY they have all the kinks worked out
1. I DON'T NEED ONE

=========================================================

The more I think about the Sopranos finale, the more I love it.

There are 3 ways it ends in my head:
The half full part of me thinks Tony fixed his family and now they're having an innocent, childhood-like family dinner in a classic Jersey diner.

The half empty part thinks the guy comes out of the bathroom with a gun and whacks the whole family.

The film major part of me thinks David Chase was portraying the closest thing possible to Tony's point of view, making the viewer suspicious of every other person in that restaurant with a clever use of cutaways, close-ups, and benign dialogue and creating palpable tension, then letting the viewer decide for himself.

The genius of it all is that you could very well disagree with me threefold. And I'm fine with that.

=========================================================

By far the best part about Gmail: the smiley faces flip right side up when you type them on Gmail chat. :)

Ask anyone who has Gmail, they'll tell you.

And you say we're the high tech computer-savvy generation....

=========================================================

Ok, this one's important. Working at CNN, I get one of these emails every day:

BAGHDAD (CNN) -- Iraq's Interior Ministry on Thursday said 25 slain,
unidentified bodies were found on the streets of Baghdad Wednesday.
These killings -- which have been a daily occurrence since the first
Al-Askariya Mosque attack in Samarra last year -- are thought to be the result
of the Sunni-Shiite sectarian violence that flared up after that attack.
That Shiite mosque was attacked again on Wednesday.
The slain bodies, found dumped across the capital, are usually bound,
peppered with bullets, and tortured.
There have been 314 such killings in Baghdad this month alone.

Every. Day.

FOOFARAW

Here's a few more matters of little importance.

The following is an actual conversation with an apartment owner:

Me: Hi, I'm calling about the apartment on West 69th street.

Owner: Which one?

Me: It says 19 West 69th Street apt 3.

Owner: which one?

Me: What do you mean?

Owner: For how much?

Me: Oh, it says $1475.

Owner: Oh. Actually it's $2500. That's a typo. Sorry.

Me: It's a typo?

Owner: Yes.

Me: That's a pretty big typo.

Owner: Sorry.

Me: Thank you.

HANG UP

Me: Who the hell is typing that? That's not even close.

=========================================================

From this week's Police Blotter in The Princeton Packet:

A West Windsor man called the police to report that his golf clubs and bag had been stolen from his garage sometime between December and April.

(I'm sure the police will get right on that case by Halloween)
=========================================================

Keith Olberman is the king of reporting stories while at the same time clearly showing that he doesn't care at all about them. Any time he talks about Anna Nicole or American Idol it is in an irreverent, clearly disgusted tone, yet he keeps reporting the stories. The journalistic integrity of this is fantastic. It's "I report, I decide, You decide."

I don't care about Anna Nicole one bit, but by watching Keith I know what's going on so that I can participate in a discussion of the issue if I need to for whatever reason, like if my job forces me to do it. At the same time Keith rejects the notion that anyone should care about dumb stories, he acknowledges that people do care, therefore eschewing ignorance.

Good luck untangling that one.

=========================================================

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION:

I want YOU to tell me, if possible, about the most random person you have on Facebook or MySpace and how you think he/she became your friend. Here are my top three:

Geoff Marsh - I think Geoff is a member of the Syracuse University a cappella group Orange Appeal. I think I know what he looks like, but his facebook profile picture right now is just a car. He's a conservative Christian, and I'm pretty certain I've never had an actual conversation with him. But he updates his profile almost daily.

Russell Schneider - I have no idea who this is. He has no picture on his profile. Russell is from Long Island, we have 25 friends in common and they're all my friends from Camp. So it would make sense to say the Russell went to camp. But I don't remember Russell being at camp. He might still be in High School. And he might know who I am, but I certainly have no freaking clue who Russell Schneider is.

BJ Smith - BJ Smith is from Huntsville, Alabama. BJ thinks he was on my Israel trip this past December, but he wasn't. Even so, he remains Facebook friends with me and a number of others from my trip, and he remains a part of our Facebook group "Israel Experts Bus 2" or whatever it's called. To top it all off, he filled in the "friend details" for us (and I accepted) which say "you were in a group together" even though we weren't.

I can only assume you all have similar stories. Post them here!

And that is Foofaraw for today.

Story of the Week - Feb 12-16

Kids These Days

Rmbr, im the TMOY. So r u. Y? Cause, among other things and reasons and such, we've invented a language. Cmg of age in the hi-tech world of IMing and TXTing, r lang is ubiquitous. Jst think about how mainstream our word "24/7" has become. I mean the President uses it. k, bad ex. K, how bout how we say "BTW" out loud even though "by the way" has many fewer syllables. (B t dubs, we took care of that)

Teachers are noticing r lang seeping in2 student classwrk in all grades. Kids used 2 wrtng txts and IMing r accidentally adding "b4" and "2" and "ur" to their essays in addn to the usual errors. LOL. Most teachers r like, wtf? y r they doing this?

"Some educators, like David Warlick, 54, of Raleigh, North Carolina, see
the young burgeoning band of instant messengers as a phenomenon that should be
celebrated. Teachers should credit their students with inventing a new language
ideal for communicating in a high-tech world
Text language seeping into kids' essays."

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/02/09/chat.lingo.ap/index.html

thx, Mr. Warlick, for embrcng r new lang. The art. continues 2 say tht most students toss out the IM speak as they get older. Hey, if we know enough 2 make up a language, don't u think we know when it's appropriate and when it's not?

Perhaps, R new language has had the most profound fx on r relationships. w v-day this wk, inevitable human interest v-day themed stories flooded the newsrm about the many ways in which txting and IMing has changed the way we kids date, fall in love, and break up. Even, how we say "I Love You" (ILY, 143)

Btw, G'ma and G'pa, this may help you: http://www.netsmartz411.com/CAisd/pdmweb.exe

The way that HS kids communicate w their bfs and gfs has changed dramatically. Most kids have computers, most kids have cell phones w txt msgs. When I was in ms and hs, the comp was shared, the aol time was ltd and the cell phone was the thing I borrowed fm mom when i wnt out. Sometimes. And so, my relationships were ltd to a nghtly phone call and some IMing.

Today, kids can be in contact 24/7 w their bfs and gfs. They can carry out convos behind their parents backs, or even, in front of their faces. Ex:

BF: Sup

GF: nm, u?

BF: nm

GF: cool cool lol

BF: I luv it when we make out in the hallway.

GF: OMG, I know!

BF: P911 ttyl

GF: k

BF: K, thr gone.

See what I did there was warn my gf that my folks were coming and exed out my hot convo about makin out in the hall and waited till they went away. Cuz i'm clever lk tht and they'll never find out. NEway, kids these days luv the IMspeak.

FTMP, it's good, 2. w new tech, we lrnd how to com. efficiently and in r own way and we got real good at it. And we revolutionized communications and language. We r the IM/TXT gen. and we have constructed an entire social wrld 4 r selves. Of course, there r consequences, esp in hs.

A recent survey by Teenage Research Unlimited showed that 25% of teens communicated hourly with his/her bf/gf by cell or txt btwn the hrs of midnght and 5am. 1 in 3 of teens who had been in a relationship said their partner txted them 10, 20 or 30 times per hr. often to find out where he/she was.

Shaina Weisbrot, now a soph at Rutgers, used to be one such teen. The txting from her fmr bf got so abusive tht she stopped responding. we're tlking 20-30 txts per hr askg where she was, wht she was doing, who she was with, etc. and when she stopped responding, the bf threatened to kill her. And all of this happened w/o her parents knowing.

"The technology sets up the opportunity for constant stalking, for constant communication, for constant intimidation and threatening behavior, " says psychologist Dr. Jill Murray "So we're seeing an increase in teen dating abuse and I believe that this is a good part of it."
http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/parenting/02/09/dating.abuse/index.html

But it seems the same tech can be used to get out of abusive relationships, as well as all other relationships that have run their course. 11% of Americans think breaking up with a bf or gf via txt message or IM or email is ok.

After 1 or 2 dates, maybe. U could send out a quick "its not u, its me :( " or "we shld jst b friends. kit!" or the classic: "we shld c other ppl." Done, painless, no risk of shouting or seeing her cry or getting sucked back in2 a relationship ur not interested in.

But a long term relationship? Have the guts to do it f2f. This practice isn't confined to hs kids, btw. 25 yr old Jason Sherman of Independence, MO is a habitual IM breaker upper. (Hint: Girls, don't date this guy.)
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/02/12/AR2007021201139.html?nav=hcmodule

We luv r new language, but there hafta b boundaries. An occasional 143 ;) is sweet. 20 per hr is stalkerish. Breaking up f2f is hard, but if ur saying "ILY", u can't txt "its over." And r new lang clrly has no place in good writing. Leave it in IM and Txts where it belongs. K?

TTYL!

Pezmstr Returns

Still with me?

Not sure how the addition of a serialized, pseudo-comic book Rocky and Bullwinkle-style depiction of mundane and fictionalized daily events will effect my vast readership base, but hopefully I haven't lost too many of you. But indulge that, and there will be plenty of the other stuff, too. Like this.

That said, the inclusion of Late Night Supermarket Man prevents The Full Circle (title change upcoming) from being an online journal. Journals are supposed to be private. I'm not about to share all of my inner thoughts and feelings with the known universe (aka 37 people bored at work, and Grandma Ros and her friends. Hi Blossom.)

But I will share the stories I find fun. Here's one. It requires some back story.

Back story: First semester senior year I wrote and edited a 15 minute film called "Pezmaster." Neil, an awkward college underclassman and Pez enthusiast, is trying to find the missing pez dispenser to complete his "very rare" 1987 Looney Tunes special edition collection. Shelly, an awkward college girl and Neil enthusiast, tries to win Neil's love by winning said missing Pez dispenser on Ebay. Unbeknownst to both of them, Neil and Shelly get into a bidding war with each other on Ebay, driving the price up to $76. Shelly wins, gives the dispenser to a depressed Neil, and they fall in love. The End.

For the making of the film, we (me and my 2 partners) created a fake user name on Ebay, pezmstr (pezmaster was taken...of course) to show in close-ups. We also bought a pile of Pez dispensers for the film. Here's one of our old production photos (note the taped-up picture of a bugs bunny pez dispenser):



End back story.

In addition to working freelance at CNN and running my own essay services website (http://www.creativecollegeessays.com/) and writing this blog, I am fast becoming the resident Ebay expert of Concordia (where my grandparents and their friends live) and The Gentry (where my parents and their friends live). I have sold all sorts of stuff this year on ebay, collecting a nice little side pot for myself and getting rid of their crap for them.

Last week, my mom's friend Carol asked me to help her get rid of a pair of Robin Williams tickets she couldn't use. I put them up on Ebay and they got immediate attention and bids, as I knew they would. By Tuesday morning, with the auction set to end Tuesday night, they were up to $910.


Half an hour before the auction ended, I got a call from Mike. Mike is one who offered Carol and her husband the two tickets and the one still going to the show with his wife. The conversation went something like this:



Mike: I found someone to take the tickets.

Me: What do you mean? They're selling. They're gonna sell in 35 minutes.


Mike: Can you end it?

Me: No. I don't--no.


Mike: Well, I need you to end it. My friends really want to go.


Me: It's a little late. Let me see.



Ok, you can't. You can't end an auction if it's already gotten bids or if there's less than 12 hours remaining. This auction had 15 bids. But Mike was relentless. And, he had the tickets in his possession. The last thing I wanted was to sell them for a thousand bucks, tell the buyer to meet Mike at the place in Atlantic City, only to have Mike tell them he found someone else. Tough luck.

But I also couldn't end the auction. The tickets were selling, and I was about to have a very unhappy buyer on my hands.

Until I remembered...pezmstr. "Hm, I wonder if this still works" Sure enough, Pezmstr remains an active account (and more importantly, I remember the password), even though he's never bought or sold anything on ebay since his birth in November of 2004. Until now. I placed a maximum bid of $5000, certain that nobody was that crazy, won the damn tickets and told Mike that everything was taken care of.

Did I just tell you I lost a potential $900? No. After I gave Carol face value, and half the profits, payed the ebay fees and the paypal fees, I probably missed out on about $150. But there will be more things to sell.

But I must say, it was nice to put pezmster to work again. Neil and Shelly would be proud.