Story of the Week - March 10-14

Do-Over

Florida: We want to have our primary in January.
DNC: No. You can't.
Florida: But we want to.
DNC: Don't.
Florida: We're doing it. We took a vote.
DNC: If you do it, it won't count. And we won't let you come to our party.
Florida: You're bluffing.
DNC: Are we?
Florida: But we really want to have it in January! Nobody will mind, the weather's great here in January.
DNC: Don't do it.
Florida: We're doing it.

Michigan: We want to be HEARD! EARLY!
DNC: You too?
Michigan: yep!
DNC: No. Iowa first, then New Hampshire. You people stay where you are.
Michigan: But we're a swing state and we have a terrible economy, give us some love!
DNC: No dice.
Michigan: But Florida--
DNC: Don't but Florida us, their delegates aren't going to count. And yours won't either.

Michigan: You’re bluffing.

DNC: Sheesh.

Nobody was bluffing, and these states acted retardedly by insisting on earlier primaries. And today they look even retardeder because the Democratic race has gone on for over a month past the original Florida and Michigan dates.

Yes, I know retardedly is not a valid adverb. And that retardeder isn’t a word.

And I know retarded is offensive to some people. It’s just that it’s too good a word to fall into the un-PC category. As Steve Carrell’s character, Michael Scott, says: “You don’t call a retarded person retarded. You call your friends retarded when they act like retards.” Or in this case, you call 2 states retarded when they act like retards.

Ok, back. It’s bad enough that these 2 important states shirked the Democratic National Committee and pig-headedly held meaningless primaries, but now they want a do-over. And in clamoring for the do-over, they once again display their utter retardation.

This is what the president of the Michigan Association of County Clerks has to say:

“It would be a logistical nightmare. First of all, we have the school board elections coming up in May, and then we have to get ready for the local and state elections in August. How are we going to be able to squeeze a presidential primary in the middle of all of that?”

Seriously? This woman is like the registration lady at the beauty pageant at the end of “little Miss Sunshine.” You know, the one who says Olive can’t register because she already turned off the computer? Turn the damn computer back on!

It’s not a logistical nightmare. Pick a day, set up the voting machines the same way you did when you had your stupid fake primaries, invite everyone who’s registered to come vote, and make a choice: Clinton or Obama. Pretend like the first vote never happened, because it shouldn’t have happened. Then, count the votes. Tada!

Because of what’s at stake here, because of the record turnouts of this election, there is no doubt people in these states will want their voices heard and their votes counted. So keep it simple, Florida and Michigan, ok?

Florida: We want a do-over. We want to do it by mail.
DNC: No. Don’t do that.
Florida: Bad idea?
DNC: Do you like being the butt of election jokes?
Florida: We’ve gotten used to it. At least we have sun.
Michigan: Shut up.
DNC: Retards.

Wednesday Wordplay - This week, it's on Thursday!

Due to daylight savings time, Wednesday Wordplay will be held on Thursday this week.

What, that doesn't make any sense? Well, neither does starting Daylight Savings Time at least 3 weeks before anyone else in the world.

No daylight is being saved, it's just reallocated. Ask anyone who has to leave for work before 7. A week ago, we commuted in daylight. Now, half-darkness. Screw you, Daylight Savings Time.

Ok, for real, Wednesday Wordplay: I'm tired of explaining myself on Facebook every time I use the word "QI" or "XU" in scrabulous. The Scrabble Dictionary says these are words and let's me use them, so stop being bitter that I scored 50 points with it. Now, you can too. And you can tell your opponent what they all mean....here we go.

Qi - n. The vital force believed in Taoism and other Chinese thought to be inherent in all things. It's also spelled "Chi" and "Ki" (that one's usable, too) Ka is an egyptian spiritual entity, believed to live within the body during life and to survive it after death. Ba is another egyptian spiritual entity, an aspect of the soul represented by a bird with a human head.

Let's go alphabetically now (roughly), so as not to confuse.

Aa is a word, and will get a scrabble player out of plenty of rough spots. Aa is rough itself, it's a rough basaltic lava. Ae is also acceptable, the scottish word for "one". Ai is a three-toed sloth, pronouced ah-ee!

Ab is an abdominal muscle, you knew that. Ad is an advertisement. You knew that, too. Ag is agriculture.

Al - n. an indian mulberry tree.

Am, An, As, At - duh. More duhs: Be, By, Do, Go, He, If, In, Is, It, Me, No, Or, Ox, So, To, Up, Us and We.

Ax - a thing you use to cut stuff.

Ay - the letter "A" Ef is the letter "F". There's also Em, En, Ar, Es, and Ex.

Bi is slang for a bisexual. Bo is slang for pal. Other accepted slang or dialectic words : un (one), na (no), et (ate) ya (you). Za is a slang word for pizza (that I've never heard anyone use, why do you have to abbreviate the word Pizza?).

De is the preposition meaning "from" or "of", just like in french or spanish class.

Do. A deer. A female deer. Ok, not really. it's actually a verb. But - Re, Mi, Fa, La, and Ti are all acceptable, too. Li and Si are semi-tones. Loyal reader Eric can explain.

Ed - short for "education"

Fe - the hebrew letter פ. Put a dot inside and it's Pe.

Id - the opposite of ego

Interjections!
Ah! or ahhhhh
Eh...
HA!
Hm?
Mm(mmmmm)
Ow!
Sh(hhh)
Uh
Yo!
Lo (and behold)
Aw...
Er...
Hi! Ho! Oh,
Oi Oy (vey!)
TA
Um....
Ye (an olde-y but a goode-y)

Jo - n. beloved one; darling; sweetheart.

Li - n. a Chinese unit of distance, equivalent to about one-third of a mile

Ma - and her husband Pa.

Mo - short for moment

Mu - is a greek letter, so is nu, pi and xi.

Ne - from the french "nee" meaning born.

Od - n. a hypothetical force formerly held to pervade all nature and to manifest itself in magnetism, mesmerism, chemical action, etc.

Oe is a whirlwind

Om - a mantric word used in meditation.

Op - as in "op-art"

Os - bone

Xu - 1/100th of a Dong

(It's Vietnamese currency, not... get your mind out of the gutter. There's room here for a Lorena Bobbitt joke, but I think I'll steer clear)

Goodnight Everybody!

And that's Wednesday Wordplay, on thursday. Now go win your scrabulous games!

Story of the Week - March 3-7

Farewell, Ron Paul?

Ron Paul is a stunning waste of paper. At least Mike Huckabee won a caucus. But Ron Paul motivated a substantial number of people to yell and scream wherever they could find a camera and then return to putting up posters and papering cars at train stations.

At times, I have to say, I liked Ron Paul. I liked that he spoke from his heart or mind or something, and didn't sound like a politician. But it seems every time he had my attention, he'd run off the rails the same way Huckabee did. Listen to a Huckabee speech and the mind plays out a progression like this: well, that whole "no more income tax" thing sort of makes sense....hey this guy's kind of funny and charming....and he plays bass guitar....wait what was that he just said about Jesus and the Constitution....what does he mean "I'm a miracle guy, not a math guy"?...All right, Mikey, you lost me, and you need to be kept away from sharp objects.

The same with Ron Paul. I was with him, I was ok with him (and Huckabee for that matter) keeping his campaign going until McCain sewed up the nomination. Then Friday his campaign released this statement:

We acknowledge that Ron will not be the nominee and are winding down the campaign.

Take a minute to go over that in your head. And keep in mind he said this on FRIDAY.

Three days after you were mathematically eliminated from the race, and exactly a month since you last won a delegate, you "acknowledge" you won't be the nominee? Just now, you're getting this? Fine, but then he says his campaign isn't over, it's just winding down. He's leading the Ron Paul revolution. He's still running, for what I'm not sure.

But the fact that he has stuck around so long, and picked up over 100,000 votes on Tuesday, speaks to the way Republicans feel about their nominee, John McCain.

I don't know how this guy won. But I'd say that about any of the Republican candidates. John McCain? he's so old, and boring, and old. And he's about as inspiring as a pair of tube socks. He's been a good senator and I felt bad 8 years ago when he got Rove'd by the Bushies in South Carolina, but 8 years ago John McCain was 64 and this country hadn't endured 8 years of George W. Bush. The last thing we need is another Republican with no imagination who wants to keep us in Iraq for 100 years.

AND STOP TALKING ABOUT RONALD REAGAN!

I'm sick and tired of Ronald Reagan! I hope every time John McCain touts the glory of the "party of Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Ronald Reagan", the democratic nominee points out that it's also the party of Herbert Hoover, Richard Nixon, and George W Bush. Enough with the Ronald Reagan, ok? You're just reminding people that you're old, don't have a clue about the economy, and are completely out of touch. Without the disarming "aw dad" sense of humor.

I wish they Republicans would nominate Ron Paul, a total crackpot with lots of posters and crazy ideas. This way I wouldn't feel so bad about the ongoing slugfest on the Democrat side. Kiss and make up, Dems, one of you has to go beat the old man.

Which leads me to my last point - this primary process needs fixing in a hurry, before Puerto Rico and a handful of semi-influential congressmen decide the Democratic race. Let's have a national primary. No more caucus crap, no more marathon campaigning, no more 20 debates, no more state-by-state pandering week after week.

Now that Ohio's done with, you won't hear a word about NAFTA until the general election. Texas is over, so no more talk about immigration. It's Mississippi now, so they'll talk about Katrina. Then it's on to Pennsylvania, where they'll talk about, I don't know, Cheesesteak reform? Enough. 1 day, 1 election, for all the marbles.

Take up that cause, Ron Paul, and get me a staple gun, and I'll join your revolution.

Wednesday Wordplay

Good thing there's only 1 primary on Tuesday, April 22. We're running out of good titles for Tuesdays with multiple primary elections.

Anyway, this week's Wednesday wordplay isn't about election titles (Super Tuesday 2? Super-Duper Tuesday? Texas Tuesday, and also 3 other states that don't start with T?), but it's similar.

Ok, in 1992, the New York Mets spent a pile of money in the off season, bringing in Pirates' star slugger Bobby Bonilla, along with Pitcher Bret Saberhagen, Future hall-of-famer Eddie Murray, and a new manager, Jeff Torborg. The Mets marketing team went with the slogan "Hardball is Back", which turned out to mean "This time we'll suck for more money." The team finished 72-90, good for 5th place in the NL East. In 1993, their slogan should have been "the worst team money could buy" as they went 59-103.

Fast forward, it's 2005, Mets new GM Omar Minaya signs Carlos Beltran and Pedro Martinez and hires new manager Willie Randolph, generating all kinds of optimism in the marketing department. In '05, they're the "New Mets". In '06, it's "The Team. The Time." All season long, "the team, the time, the ticket", "the team, the time, the t-shirt" on and on and on, and what did it mean?

The Team. The Time. The heartbreaking Game 7 loss in the NLCS.

The Marketers regroup. Mets 2007: "Your Season Has Come." These marketing guys should be forced to turn around and spit or something after they come up with their slogans from now on.
Finally, in 2008, the marketers get a break. No slogan this year, it's the last year of Shea Stadium, the slogan is self-evident. And there's no chance that the slogan won't come true.

For me, it means I can make fun of other teams' stupid slogans because my team doesn't have one. Here they are, along with what they really mean:

Toronto Blue Jays
What they say: It's always game time
What it means: Yeah sure, whenever you can get here, eh?

Atlanta Braves
What they say: Welcome to the bigs.
What it means: In case you didn't notice, we play Major League Baseball here and we won 14 straight division titles, what is wrong with you people? Come to our games!

Chicago Cubs
What they say: NL Central Champs 2007
What it means: Still haven't been to the World Series since 1945, and it's been 100 years since we won it.

Seattle Mariners
What they say: MOJO Risin'
What it means: We're good again!

Florida Marlins
What they say: You gotta be here!
What it means: PLEASE! PLEASE! YOU HAVE TO COME! PLEASE!!

Washington Nationals
What they say: Pledge Your Allegiance
What it means: It's a pun. because, Washington DC is the capital of America, and you say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag...of America, like so then you say it to the team, you pledge allegiance to a team like when you go to games and root for them and wear their hats, so pledge allegiance and Pledge of Allegiance, see? yeah, it's good.

Baltimore Orioles
What they say: This is Birdland
What it means: We got this slogan in a trade we made with the Blue Jays and Peter Angelos is forcing us to use it even though it sucks.

We used to have Cal Ripken, Jr. Our stadium is still really nice.

Texas Rangers
What they say: You could use some baseball
What it means: Meh, it's a baseball team.

Cincinnati Reds
What they say: "C" you there!
What it means: Get it? Cause Cincinnati starts with C!

Colorado Rockies
What they say: 2007 National League Champions
What it means: We finally got something to put next to that "1995 NL Wild Card Winner" banner.

Kansas City Royals
What they say: New. Blue. Tradition
What it means: As opposed to the old blue tradition of winning.

Detroit Tigers
What they say: Who's your tiger?
What it means: We're grrrrrrrrreat!

Minnesota Twins
What they say: This is your state. This is your team.
What it means: Hence - Minnesota. Twins.

Story of the Week - Feb 25-29

It's Leap Day! Buy Stuff!

Here are 29 great discounts, deals, traditions, and facts about the 29th Day of February:

Boston Market gave Leap Day Babies a free lunch today, up to a $10 value.

29 Approximately 4 million people in the World celebrate their birthday today, and then go back to celebrating on March 1 or February 28 for 3 years.

28 Papa John's is giving Leap Day Babies a free pan pizza today

27 Free lunch at Boston Market for Leap Day Babies. Exploit that ID that says you were born today and get that chicken!

26 The Saginaw Spirit of the Ontario Hockey League is hosting Leap Day Night, sponsored by the AARP.

25 Get a $49-a-night Leap Day special at Bay Inn in Petoskey, Michigan! $49! You know, cause 29 plus 20 is 49, so it makes total sense.

24 If you happen to be in Avondale, Arizona, you can head on over to Leap's Coffee Shop, which, appropriately, celebrated Leap Day all February long, giving away free ice cream and custard to Leap Day babies and their families.

23 Leap Day Babies get in free to see the Long Beach State baseball team battle Wichita State. That's a $12 value!

22 The Eureka Opera House in Eureka, NV is having a Leap Day Concert. How do you celebrate Leap Day through music? Well, you bring in Juni Fisher and Cowboy Entertainer Dave Stamey. yeehaw! Nothing says "Leap Day" like country western in an opera house.

21 You're probably wondering, how many Leap Day babies are there in the United States? Well, there are about 200,000.

20 My loyal reader in High Point, NC can go to the Leap Year Happiness Weekend at the JH Adams Inn on North Main Street.

19 Some guy in Rhode Island wants you to go to his Leap Day party:
Two of my friends, who are also Leap Day Babies, and I, are planning a
huge Birthday Party for our Birthday Leap Year Day 2008. It should be a really good time. You can email me
at lbell80229@aim.com.

18 Get free admission to The Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago for Leap Day.

17 Morton's Steakhouse is giving a free steak and seafood dinner to all leapling's with proper ID.

16 McDonald's is offering a free McSkillet Burrito with the purchase of a medium or large beverage during breakfast hours. Not sure if that's a Leap Day promotion or they just can't think of any other way to get you to eat that crap.

15 The year 2100 will be the next time there will be a Presidential election, but not a leap year. Why? A leap year must be divisible by 400, and 2100 is not. 1900 also was not a Leap Year, but who could forget the riveting race to the White House between William McKinley and the electrifying William Jennings Bryan?

14 Some suggest celebrating Leap Day by "leaping back in time" and playing an old childhood game.

13 JaRule has a birthday today. So does Antonio Sabato, Jr and the late Dinah Shore-a.

12 Julius Caesar first created Leap Year in 46 BCE so that the calendar would match the solar year.

11 On Leap Day 1952, the first Walk/Don't Walk signs were installed in New York City.

10 Shedd aquarium in Chicago is using Leap Day to jumpstart its "Year of the Frog" campaign with two for one tickets.

9 Pope Paul III was born on February 29, 1468.

8 A deal that makes sense! Expedia is offering 29% off travel deals! Good job, use the date to fit the promotion!

7 It's customary that on the Leap Day, it is acceptable for women to propose marriage to men.

6 Can't have a birthday without a Cake! Whole Foods in Mt. Pleasant, SC is offering a free six inch birthday cake to anyone born on the 29th of February.

5 The odds of being born on February 29th are 1 in 1,461. A bit of a faulty statistic, since the odds of you being born are zero unless you are conceived 7-9 months before February of a Leap Year. But assuming you have an equal chance at being born on any day in a span of 4 years, those are the odds.

4 Here's a good thing - Martha Stewart packed the audience of her Leap Day show exclusively with people born on Leap Day.

3 The website www.leapyearday.com is run by the Honor Society of Leap Year Day Babies. The Society is the leading advocate (or it must be) for getting "Leap Day" on to the calendar officially. It also pushes software companies to recognize February 29th as a valid date of birth. Many leaplings run into issues with online registrations, for example, that don't recognize their birthdays.

2 The 6th Quadrennial World Wide Leap Year Festival takes place in the town of Anthony, NM/TX (yep, that's right, it's a town in 2 states, and it says it is the "Leap Day Capital of the World", um, because they have more Leap Years than any other place on earth?) over 5 days of course centered on the 29th. This is from the event website:

"birthday folks can spend some time preparing signs boasting
their age in Leap Years, to use in the parade. Since Leap Year Day falls on Friday
this year the parade will be held after school, about 3:00 p.m.

We encourage all Leap Year babies and Leap Year anniversary couples to join
the parade. A variety of vehicles will be provided for those who do not have their
own or, if you prefer to walk the parade route is about a one and a half (1 1/2)
mile trek.

The day will be completed with a birthday dinner, cake and entertainment."

But the undisputed number 1 deal on this Leap Day comes from Domino's Pizza:

This Leap Day, to promote its new "BRKLYN Pizza", Domino's is giving $1,000 in Free Pizza Coupons to the first Leap Day Baby born today and named "Brooklyn."

That's right, new parents of the world, if you have a child today, and name him/her "Brooklyn" (any spelling accepted) you MIGHT win $1,000 worth of free pizza. Plus the chance to have a very strange conversation one day with said child.

Oh yeah, I said "might." Because if someone ELSE does it first, you only get one free BRKLYN pizza, and will have even more explaining to do.

Of course, says Domino's, you could just buy a BRKLYN pizza for $9.99 and find a better reason to give your child a strange name.

Happy Leap Day Everyone. Savor it, because there won't be another one for 4 whole years.

Except maybe in Anthony, NM/TX.

Playing with Vocabulary in the Middle of the Week

I'm sick of alliteration. So there will be no alliteration in this, an anti-alliteration Wednesday Wordplay.

Crap.

Starting NOW.

this week's list of words, from both Dictionary.com and the Big Word of the Day Calendar from Avalanche Publishing as a group make me think of Don Quixote, beginning with Quixotic, which of course takes its origin from the Cervantes character.

The Quixotic hero Quixote lived his life in a state of pure imbroglio, thinking of himself with aplomb, riding his donkey, charging at nettlesome windmills.

And all the time, the villagers saw Quixote in a completely different way, as he charged temerariously at inanimate objects, irrupting lissome, pastoral scenes, leaving confusion in his wake.

One day, Quixote thought he spotted an enemy combatant, which of course was an innocent church, with a simple bell tower. Quixote, sword drawn, gleaming in the refulgent midday sun, readied himself for the charge as the clock struck twelve, and the camponologist in the belfry rang a paean across the countryside. Quixote charged! Summoning all his puissance and aiming the sword at the church gate, meeting his enemy head on and falling splat! Alas...

A fate the quixotic Quixote could not avoid, what alliterative agony...

The Words!

quixotic - adj. caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; foolishly impractical especially in the pursuit of ideals. Capricious; unpredictable (One of English's greatest words)

imbroglio - n. a complicated and embarassing state of things. A confused or complicated disagreement or misunderstanding.

aplomb - n. Assurance of manner or of action; self-possession; confidence; coolness.

nettlesome - adj. Causing irritation, vexation, or distress.

temerarious - adj. Recklessly or presumptuously daring; rash.

lissome - adj. Light and quick in action; nimble; agile; active.

refulgent - adj. shining brightly; radiant; brilliant; resplendent

camponology - n. the art or skill of ringing bells to make music.

paean - n. a joyous song of praise, triumph, or thanksgiving. An expression of praise or joy.

puissance - n. power; might

Story of the Week - Feb 18-22

Schadenfreude, with Gary Coleman

This is the strangest story I have ever read. Join me, as I try to wrap my head around it.

Gary Coleman told "The Insider" that even though he got married in August... Gary Coleman got married? BUT, He hasn't yet consummated the relationship with his wife. He got married but he hasn't had sex in six months. Six months! Why bother getting married? He says "It will happen when it happens." Six months! Gary Coleman? I can't believe Gary Coleman got married but can you believe that? He hasn't had sex with his wife? Maybe it's a height thing...ok keep reading

He and his wife, Shannon Price, both say that they fight so much that she has feared for her safety. Stop. So they get married but don't have sex because he's too busy beating the crap out of her, I see, so she's too scared to do it with him, fair enough but then why did she marry him? I mean she married the guy and right away he starts beating her, maybe just maybe she should have seen it coming. Then again, this is Gary Coleman we're talking about. Ok maybe she didn't see it coming but it's Gary Coleman, WHAT DID YOU SEE IN GARY COLEMAN?

"i'm used to it" says Price. Used to what? Fighting? fearing for your own safety? this thing is seriously messed up. Oh look at this, Coleman got a citation for a domestic dispute after the police were called in... this is a marriage made in heaven.

Actually it's a marriage made in Nevada, on a mountaintop and Shannon Price is 22. 22!!??? But they've been keeping the vows secret, probably because she's embarrassed, did she marry him for his money? How the f*ck does Gary Coleman land a 22 year old? and then he'd rather beat her than nail her?

The couple met on the set of the 2006 comedy "Church Ball" I don't remember that movie, gotta IMDB it, back in a flash (you don't care how soon I come back, anyway...) Right, "Church Ball" is about a team of misfit, unathletic basketball players playing for a priest who's pressured to win the church ball championship before the league falls, and Gary Coleman is one of the basketball players. Right. And Shannon Price isn't listed in the credits or anywhere on IMDB. On with the story...

Price says it was she who proposed to Coleman.

...

.........

..................

WHA??????????????????????

I have no words for this. That's nuts! SHE proposed to HIM? You're Gary Coleman! A 22 year old is throwing herself at you, asking to be your wife, and you're fighting with her! I shudder to think people like this even exist, what the hell is wrong with these two? Gary surprised Shannon on her birthday and whisked her away to Valley of Fire State Park to exchange wedding vows. That was six months ago, and no sex yet, just fighting, can't forget that.

And he convinced her to keep it a secret (or maybe she convinced him) because she wanted to keep being seen as her own person. Ahh, think you blew that one when you proposed to Gary Coleman.

Of the age difference, Coleman said "I don't have issues with age, I have issues with intelligence...she's more intelligent than I am" um, that would make you pretty effin' stupid because she's 22, she proposed to you and is staying with you even though she fears for her own safety this whole thing is so screwed up OF COURSE it's happening to Gary Coleman. Oh yeah I'm glad I've made it this far without a--nope, not gonna do it. Someone'll leave it in the comments, inevitably.

The 5'7" Price commented on the height difference. Gary Coleman is 4'8". "That doesn't really matter to me," she said. "He was 10 feet tall to me because he was sweet (but now you fear for your safety) and I really liked his personality." Until you fought so much that you refused to have sex with him and somehow he doesn't mind but oh yeah something's wrong with this relationship because you fear for your safety, but you're used to that? This story makes my head spin,

yet still manages to be hilarious.

It's...
Schadenfreude!
Makin' the world a better place....
to beeeeeeeeee
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!


source: AP