Story of the Week -- July 16-20

14,000

It's 6am and I'm standing in the middle of an empty trading floor at the New York Stock Exchange. And that's just weird. I have nothing to do, either. I mean, I am supposed to be setting up a live shot for the morning show, but I already did that, so I'm just standing around trying not to touch anything and I dont know start another Great Depression or something.

And all because of a number. That's why I'm here. I'm here because, psychologically, we're obsessed with numbers with lots of zeros, and no threes or sixes. I'll explain.

Last Thursday, the Dow Jones Industrial average gained 283 points, to close at 13,861.73, a new record. Friday, the Dow closed at 13,907.25, another new record. Monday, it closed at 13,950 (say it with me now...) another new record. And what was the story? "Well, we're almost at 14,000. We're flirting with 14,000. OOh boy, here comes the next set of 3 zeros!"

Then came Tuesday, when we hit 14,000 sometime in the middle of the day, and there was no party, no ball dropping, no fireworks. Nothing. And then it went back below 14,000. Then back above. Then back below. And the people at my esteemed network went nuts. "If it closes above, it's a huge story! We need lots of live shots from the floor." And that's when they asked me if I could be on Wall Street in time for a 6 am update on Wednesday. Which would mean a 3:30 am wake up.

So I began mentally preparing myself for Wednesday morning, working with an anchor who barely knows me, doing things I've mostly never done before, in a setting that is intimidating to say the least. And they set it up for me, made all of the preliminary arrangements, told me where to be and when. And then it was 3:30, and the Dow was at 13,970 or something and I said "hey, do they still want all this if we don't hit 14,000?" Good question.

The answer? No. When the market closed at 4, the Dow was at 13, 971. And I was off the hook.

And lucky me, I only have to get up at 4:30. And I'm excited, because maybe we'll hit 14,000 while I'm actually there, and I'll get to hear all the cheers and see the inane excitement first hand.

Um...nope. Dow dropped 53, and I went home.

Fast forward to 4pm Thursday, the closing bell rings and the Dow is at 13,999. So close! And as the numbers settle, us business dorks are staring at the ticker like it's an odometer waiting for those nines to rollover. And then they do! And we close at 14,000.41. We close over 14,000 for the first time, and in dramatic, pallindromic fashion. Amazing.

The phone call I get on my way home is inevitable. Wheels in motion, 3:30 wake up. Be on Wall Street by 5:45. Updates at 6, 6:30, 7, etc. For what? 3 zeros. Big story.

As a baseball fan, I understand the numbers obsession. The 3,000th hit is bigger than the 2,999th. Because they are benchmarks. On the other hand, the 756th home run is a bigger deal because it breaks a record. So why didn't we do extra stuff last Thursday, when the Dow broke a record and went up almost 300 points? Where was the 3 am wake up call then?

No, instead, the big story comes, and it's me, getting a crash course in, I don't know, organized chaos or something, making sure my anchor gets seen around the world, so that everyone can watch us get all excited over a few zeros on the big board.

The real kick in the head, of course, is that the minute the market opened, the Dow went down 50 points and 14,000 was gone. So what's the moral of the story?

I don't know.

Dow Schmow. I'm tired.

Story of the Week -- July 9-13

Toilet Talk

The news is awash with stories of washrooms this week, flush with joy over a throng of throne innovations and the latest in toilet technology, and of course - crappy puns.

The barrage of bathroom briefs began when health products giant Kimberly-Clark announced it was entering the "final frontier" of public restroom innovation:

Richard Thorne grins as he waves his hand under a toilet paper dispenser in a women's restroom. The machine spits five sheets of tissue into his grasp.
A year in the works, the electronic tissue dispenser is being rolled out to the masses by Kimberly-Clark Professional as it seeks to capture more of the $1 billion away-from-home toilet paper market. The company believes most people will be satisfied with five sheets -- and use 20 percent less toilet paper.

A $1 Billion away-from-home toilet paper market? THAT is some serious shit. Kimberly Clark is offering a completely touchless experience while at the same time cheating you out of toilet paper and paper towels and probably water and soap as well. Though, if you don't really touch anything, how much soap do you really need?

Richard Thorne also philosophized that people "take what they are given," so they'll be satisfied with 5 sheets. How do they know this? Well, through extensive market research of course. Man, where was I when they were signing up volunteers for that study? "Here, go do your thing, come back and tell us how much paper you used."

It's likely that on your next trip to the airport you'll come face to face with the washroom's final frontier. And hopefully all will go smoothly.

But if it doesn't, or if you don't trust the new machines, and if you just happen to be flying on Japan Airlines or All Nippon Airways (i know, it's a stretch - work with me here, I'm going for the transition) , you can hold it in and wait for the experience awaits you in the lavatory of a brand new Boeing 787 Dreamliner!

All Nippon Airways has teamed up with Boeing and TOTO Ltd of Japan to develop a brand new in-flight amenity - bidet toilets. TOTO adapted its trademark Washlet to withstand the rigors of long international flights while still providing the comforts of an at-home bidet (2/3 of Japanese households have bidet toilets, apparently they like a little extra over there...) The Washlet is operated by a side control panel that, according to ANA's executive VP, is "very accurate" and sprays in a number of different directions.

Just look how happy you can be when you use a bidet! http://www.cleanishappy.com/ I defer to a fellow blogger for more on this silly ass story.

(go ahead, look at the happy asses)

Are you back?

Ok, good, because I've got one more. See, maybe the bidet experience isn't quite what it's cracked up to be. Well, then, on your continued search for lavatorial nirvana, you should hop a flight to....Chonqing, China!

(I think I have a future writing Price is Right Showcases...)

That's right, Chonqing, where they are flush with pride over the opening of their new "porcelain palace" a garden of over 1,000 toilets and urinals spread out over 4 stories and 30,000 square feet.

"We are spreading toilet culture. People can listen to gentle music and watch TV," said Lu Xiaoqing, an official with the Yangrenjie, or "Foreigners Street," tourist area where the bathroom is. "After they use the bathroom they will be very, very happy."

At last! Bathroom bliss, and in a public restroom, no less, with a thousand of my very happy friends.

Ah.....many toilet stories, so little time to wonder why. But allow me for a minute. Why on earth does one need so much love in the loo? I mean, music, TV, how much time am I really going to be spending in the bathroom in China?

Then I found this: there's WHAT in these dumpings?? ohhhhh.....

How many channels does this crapper get?

Fox Bashing!

I started this blog last December, which means my readers have yet to experience an October with me. However, those readers who know me know that October means time to bash Fox's baseball coverage!

This includes everything from cursing out Tim McCarver every time he squeezes a not-so-subtle Yankees reference into a game that doesn't involve the Yankees AT ALL, to calling for Jeannie Zelasko's death and dismemberment every time she makes a bad pun or offers an ill-informed and totally obvious "update". (You're gonna love October...)

Luckily (or not), October came early this year and Fox's All Star coverage was as sucky as ever. Here are just a few examples:

Eric Byrnes
The Diamondback's outfielder didn't make the All-Star roster, so instead he joined the Fox follies and took his spot in a kayak in McCovey Cove along with his glove and his bulldog. A seat in the cove seemed as hard to come by as a seat in the ballpark. Harder maybe. And that was funny to me, since not one baseball landed in the Cove during the game or during Monday's Home Run Derby. Maybe that's why Byrnes got out of the water around the 4th inning (perhaps suddenly realizing that AT&T Park is a pitcher's park, hmm?). Maybe he figured that if he's going to contribute zero substance to the game, he might as well be dry.
Not even the bulldog wanted to be out in the Cove with Byrnes. When Eric tossed a ball out into the water for the dog to fetch, the dog made a beeline for the Pacific Ocean.
Next year, I'm voting as many times as I can for Eric Byrnes to be an All-Star.

Information Overload
I understand that numbers are a huge part of baseball, and so I had certain expectations when I turned on the broadcast. It didn't bother me to hear how many all star games each player played in, what their stats were this year, etc. It's the unnecessary and/or painfully obvious offerings from Fox that irk me the most.
First came the graphic about Ken Griffey, Jr's standing on the all-time HR list. He has 586 career HR, so does Frank Robinson. What was the graphic? a picture of Griffey and a picture of Robinson. Under each: "586 HR, T-6th all time." Who's 5th? Don't know. Who's 7th? No idea.

Then, when Barry Bonds came to the plate for his second at bat, Fox decided to scroll his entire career underneath the score bar at the top of the screen. All you people talk about is Barry Bonds! This whole All Star Break has been about Barry Bonds! So now I finally get to see him up at bat, but I can't, cause all I can see is this stupid crawl about his lifetime on base percentage. Goddammit, Fox, is it so hard to talk about his numbers, or is McCarver too busy talking about how great Derek Jeter is at getting into ready position?

Stupid prepared packages
I don't mind so much that you have stuff prepared to introduce us to players we may not know, like Chase Utley and Prince Fielder. That's fine. EXCEPT -- show them while the players are still in the game! TWICE this happened:

"Orlando Hudson bats for the first time. The D-Back's second baseman came into the game for Chase Utley. And let's show you Utley's HP Dumbass Bio thingie. OOH! He likes to dance at weddings. Do you like to dance at weddings, Tim?"

(I was paraphrasing)

And Tim, I get it, you used to be a catcher. And catchers are Jesus.

OH MY GOD I HATE FOX!! MAKE IT STOP!!

And then, in the 9th Inning, Joe Buck forgot where he was: "...on this beautiful night in San Diego..."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

Ready for October?

Story of the Week - July 2-6

Posting early this week, because I'm going away for a long weekend at camp.

Happy Birthday, USA

On this July 4th, I think it's time for Congress to do the patriotic thing. It's time to come together to draft articles of impeachment and remove President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney.

For their utter disregard for the other branches of government, system of checks and balances, criminal justice system, laws and Constitution of this country, they have to go. Time to have our first woman president, 18 months early. Time to restore America's faith in itself, and the world's faith in America.

That's all I can say. I can't remember getting more angry over a newspaper headline than when I saw "Bush Commutes Libby Sentence, Saying 30 Months ‘Is Excessive’" on the front of Tuesday's New York Times. I'm appalled, disgusted, and embarrassed to be sharing this national holiday with a leader like this.

When I called camp last week to tell them I was coming for the holiday weekend, I was warned, "no fireworks this year." Maybe that's fitting, because I'm in no mood to celebrate my country right now.

Story of the Week -- June 25-29

China Buffet - um, don't eat that. Or that. And drive safely, your tires may explode. And careful when you brush your teeth tonight.

I've had some serious flashbacks lately to freshman year and this class I took on globalization.

There was this assignment we had to do. We were supposed to go through our closets and find out where all of our clothes were made, and then write how we felt about it.

I remember thinking it was kind of neat how my pants were made in Malaysia and my sneakers came from Guatemala or something, how the shirt I was wearing had, to that point, had many better travel adventures than I (not to mention all those trips through the wash) It didn't really bother me that the shirt was probably made by a 9 year old girl. Hey, for a nine year old, she did a pretty good job.

One thing that also surprised me was that not everything I owned was made in China. I had just assumed most stuff was. Growing up, "made in China" was one of the first phrases I learned to read (maybe, I don't really remember, but for argument's sake, let's say it was. It could have been) It was stamped on lots of toys, especially the ones that came in happy meals.

It still is. Lately, though, "made in China" isn't as trustworthy as it used to be. 24 different toys have been recalled so far this year in the United States. All of the recalls are for toys made in China. In one of the worst cases, Thomas the Tank Engine Trains - you know, the little wooden trains the toddlers tend to chew on as much as they play with - were recalled when the company that sells the trains discovered that the Chinese factory was using lead-based paints to paint the toys.

We also found out that the same chemicals China uses to make its plastic toys might be finding its way into a number of brands of pet foods. Oh, and 450,000 tires that they've exporting to New Jersey don't meet safety standards. And your toothpaste might be mixed with a chemical usually found in antifreeze.

And that shrimp fried rice you have there, you can keep eating it, but it might give you cancer later. This is the latest one - after a nearly 6 year investigation, the FDA concluded that fish farmers in China are giving harmful additives to the fish, and ordered a ban on at least four types of Chinese seafood, including catfish, eel and shrimp. The additives have caused cancer in lab animals, and the FDA doesn't want to take anymore chances. But this isn't a recall situation, it's just a precaution.

What we're going through with China isn't mad cow, but there is potential. If what they put in the pet food finds its way into human food (not unlikely considering the deadly chemical was added to wheat gluten), we might start to see some terror on some faces at the grocery store unless something is done. Good thing we're doing something, and we're not worried about pissing off China in the process. Because, we're pissing off China in the process.

But American companies are being responsible for a change, thanks to the wave of recalls that doesn't seem like it will stop any time soon. Companies like Toys R Us, Kellogg's and General Mills, are stepping up scrutiny of Chinese products.

The only question I have is, why haven't we been doing this all along? And the answer is that you don't ask a lot of questions when food is cheaper, toys are cheaper, and tires are cheaper. And big companies don't ask a lot of questions when profits are higher. The beauty of globalization is that things are cheaper and people make more money. The reason I don't care that my t-shirt was made by a 9 year old girl is it cost me $9 instead of $20, and now I have $11 to spend on faulty tires and tainted seafood.

So, I'm sorry Fido and Rex and little baby Timmy who likes to put toys in his mouth had to suffer before we did something about it, but I'm glad we're doing something about it.

Now I'm glad I did that globalization excercise. It's good to know not everything was made in China.

Foofaraw Immortalized

in today's New York Times Crossword:

58. Foofaraw

3 letters.

Can you get it?

Story of the Week -- June 18-22

In the Middle of Everything

Palestinians, for a change, are killing Palestinians. In Gaza, a piece of land half the size of Washington D.C, utter chaos broke out, then Hamas (essentially, "democratically" elected terrorists) took control, then Mahmoud Abbas and Fatah dissolved one government and set up another. Then the sun set.

I mean, it happened that quickly. And now there's talk of 3 independent states in an area the size of New Jersey (I know, I'm getting carried away with the comparative size thing, but the point is these people are and have been fighting over a very tiny piece of the world) 3 states? Palestinians can't keep the lights on and the children fed in one state, now they want two because they can't get along with each other?

Thankfully, the rest of the world refuses to recognize a Hamas-only government, and have gone as far as to promise money and weapons to Fatah (careful there) so they can fight Hamas. Then, I guess, cause they hadn't done it in a while, Hamas launches a couple of Qassams into Israel, Israel does the whole retaliatory thing and at the same time they allow Gazans who need medical attention to get out of Gaza. And here we are, for now.

I'll be honest, the more I try to make sense of what's going on in Gaza and the West Bank and try to figure out what's good and what's bad for Israel, the more hopelessly confused I get.

But this I know: In the middle of everything, 3500 people marched in a gay pride parade in Jerusalem.

Long Live Israel.

As one columnist put it, "Israel may have more faults per capita than any nation in the world" but he was proud of Israel for having the parade in Jerusalem, even if there was some controversy attached to it. For me, I'm proud of it especially because there was controversy attached to it.

Israel is extremely diverse, and the Jews of Israel are divided by differences in heritage (askenazi vs. sephardic), religion (religious vs. secular), politics, social standing (sabras vs. immigrants, and then what kind of immigrant...) On top of that, they're all Jews. What's the old saying? put 10 Jews in a room together and you'll get 15 different opinions? It's like that. How could a gay pride parade in the holiest city on earth NOT evoke some controversy?

While the 3500 people were marching in the parade, some 1500 ultra-Orthodox Jews demonstrated against the parade. 7,500 policemen (that's 1/3 of the country's police force) were sent to Jerusalem to ensure a peaceful demonstration on both sides. At least a dozen of the ultra orthodox were arrested for anything from planting fake explosives to setting garbage cans on fire. And 23 others were arrested the night before the parade.

Most Orthodox rabbis publicly forbade violence against homosexuals in spite of their religious opposition to homosexuality and a demonstration of homosexual openness in Jerusalem, of all places. Instead, they went on Israeli TV and spoke out against the parade, and debated those who supported it, in the way public discourse is supposed to take place in a democracy with free speech.

The parade happened, the protests happened. No one was killed. In spite of all their differences, Jews are learning to live with other Jews.

Meanwhile in Gaza, Palestinians, divided politically and by little else, are killing each other.

http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/873728.html