The Full Circle

The National Stadium in Beijing - more than meets the eye, I think. Based on this review I'm not so sure.

2008-08-07T10:34:00.004-05:00

Architecture reviews should not be allowed on the sports page.

It's taken me three days to decipher the review by Nicolai Ouroussoff of the new National Stadium, affectionately known as "The Bird's Nest", in Beijing. I'm still not sure if "an intoxicating beauty that lingers in the imagination" is anything more than a flowery placeholder, but I'll do my best to break down the extraordinary use of language employed by Mr. Ouroussoff.

Here we go:

Given the astounding expectations piled upon the National Stadium, I’m surprised it hasn’t collapsed under the strain.

It's a structural engineering metaphor! Hooray!

Its elliptical latticework shell, which has earned it the nickname the Bird’s Nest, has an intoxicating beauty that lingers in the imagination. Its allure is only likely to deepen once the enormous crowds disperse and the Olympic Games fade into memory.

Really? He had to go with "intoxicating beauty"? This might be the most gag-inducing 2 word phrase in the English language. And equally stupid. "Don't let me drive home, man, this road is too beautiful." Dumb. You can do better than that, Nicolai.

Herzog and de Meuron (the architects) have carved out psychological space for the individual, and rethought the relationship between the solitary human and the crowd, the everyday and the heroic.

That's a little better. Now I can attack language. What is psychological space? Is it:

a. something a stupid person has a lot of
b. a bogus selling point for NYC real estate brokers, as in "sure it's a little tight, but there's plenty of psychological space."
c. a placeholder phrase for architecture reviewers at a loss for descriptive phrases that actually mean something

Viewed from a distance, the contrast between its bent steel columns and its bulging elliptical form gives the stadium a surreal, moody appearance, as if it were straining to contain the forces that are pushing and pulling it this way and that. Philosophically, it suggests the tensions just beneath the surface of a society in constant turmoil.

...From close up, the tilting beams suggest rather a dark and enchanted forest in a fairy tale.

So if I stand far away, I feel a sense of societal turmoil. But if I get closer, I'm suddenly Little Red Riding Hood?

The crisscrossing columns create a Piranesian world of dark corners and odd leftover spaces
Make up your mind? How can the crisscrossing columns mean all of those things? And what the hell does Piranesian mean?

Piranesian - relating to Italian architect Giovanni Piranesi, whose sketches led to the etchings of Rome and its ruins contributed to the revival of neoclassicism.

Well that clears things up. Especially for most readers of the Sports section. I mean, what sports fan doesn't know the name Giovanni Piranesi? He's like the Tiger Woods of Italian Neoclassicism for goodness sake. Come on.

Clearly, Mr. Ouroussoff is in touch with his audience.

The feverish play of light and shadows is reminiscent of the set for a German Expressionist film.

Oh yeah. I mean, how can you not look at the National Stadium in Beijing and immediately think of Paul Leni's 1923 classic Das Wachsfigurenkabinett or Emil Jannings in his his signature role as the demoted hotel doorman in Der Letzte Mann? The association is obvious to most sports fans. It has to be.

By creating a hierarchy of intimate spaces, Herzog and de Meuron allow for unexpected moments of privacy and solitude.

Well, Mr. Ouroussoff, you've done about everything you can to be as pretentious as possible. All that's missing is the word "zeitgeist".

Herzog and de Meuron’s achievement is undeniable. Rather than offering us a reflection of China’s contemporary zeitgeist, they set out to create a sphere of resistance, and to gently redirect society’s course.

Ah, There you go.

The National Stadium reaffirms architecture’s civilizing role in a nation that, despite its outward confidence, is struggling to forge a new identity out of a maelstrom of inner conflict.

Translation -- it's a pretty cool stadium. Check it out.

Wednesday Wordplay, on Thursday

2008-07-24T08:00:00.004-05:00

On Wednesday, the New York Times accidentally printed an old crossword puzzle. On Thursday (today), it printed the new Wednesday puzzle alongside the new Thursday. That's right. One paper, two puzzles. It's a crossword nerd paradise.

In honor of this momentous occasion, I shall live blog my solving of the side-by-side puzzles.

It's a special Thursday edition of Wednesday Wordplay. Stop reading now if you haven't done the puzzles yet and plan to.

Ok. I'm going for pure stream of consciousness here, so bear with me. Or don't, I don't care. Hey, be happy I'm blogging something again the way the summer's been going.

I start with the Wednesday puzzle, which has a pattern of circles throughout that kind of looks like a staircase. I start at 9-across (Frank in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame). That's ZAPPA, and then 9 down (Cubic ______) is ZIRCONIA. Both of those words start with Z and end with A. Both words are in circles. I thought 1 across (Coors Product) might be Beer, but it's also circled, so I'll go with ZIMA. Don't hear much about Zima anymore. 4-down (Ingrediente en paella) starts with A, and ends with Z - ARROZ. Gracias, Senora Collella.

Let's try to get all the circles. 23 across (Keebler cracker brand) I'll come back to, but it must end in A. 24 down (Flagstaff's place) is ARIZONA. 39 across (This puzzles theme) crosses Arizona at the Z, and starts with A and ends with Z, so it's "A-TO-Z-TO-A". That works. 39 down (The Rock) ALCATRAZ. Thank you Sean Connery. 68 across (Ball's Comic partner) "arnaz."

70 across (Animated film hit of 1998) ANTZ. Never saw that one.

Off to a good start. Let's get rolling.

A recital player is a SOLOIST. 1 down (Goes this way before going that) is zigs or zags. But it means 17 across (lovers of fine fare)starts with G. I don't know yet.
Rough up - MAUL. NYC Theater area - Bway. What's more - AND. Sammy Davis, Jr's "___ Can" starting with Y, must be YES I.

All the way to 41 across now (One of eight Eng. kings) is EDS. Because Eng. is abbreviated in the clue, the answer is abbreviated too. There were eight Edwards, or Eds here. Let's get the crossers - 31 down (Cubs, but not Bears for short) think Chicago, think baseball vs. football and you get NLERS, short for national leaguers, a crossword puzzle favorite. 32 down (When said 3 times, "et cetera") that's YADDA, as in "yadda yadda yadda." And 33 down (Ol' Blue Eyes classic). MY WAY, but only if 41 across is EDW. One of eight. So it is EDW.

60 down Let's leave IT AT that. 54 down lady of Spain is a DAMA. 49 down Of course, senor! SI SI senor. Boy Spanish class is coming in handy. Begins slowly - EASES IN.

Yes! Lovers of fine fare - GOURMANDS. That will open things up. So that's MIES van der Rohe, a military official is a BRASS HAT, and 6 down (deteriorated) is WENT TO POT. Incidentally, the Keebler cracker is a ZESTA. 44 across (Famous Amos) TORI. She has nothing to do with cookies.

40 down (Getty or Rockefeller) is OIL BARON. Madison Ave trade is ADBIZ. That's the last of the theme clues. Harsh quality - STRIDENCE. Sacramento Arena - ARCO. Secluded area - GLEN. Mother of England's Charles II and James II - Henrietta. English history classes paying off as well.

Back up to the top right corner. This puzzle is harder than I thought it would be at the beginning. 12 across (producers' fears) is pans, so it's producers as in movies and pans as in bad reviews. Apple instant messaging program is ICHAT. River flowing in and out of Lake geneva is the RHONE, Madden and How - INCENSE. Nothing to do with John. 22 down (Three R's org) is NRA. Nothing to do with guns, that's the National Recovery Administration, one of FDR's programs. FDR's successor was Truman, who's last secretary of state (10 Down) was ACHESON.
Still with me? I'm almost done with the first puzzle...1 Down must be zigs, because you zig before you zag and the clue is goes this way before that. So Zigs, I'm going with it. So ITAR Tass news agency, not ATAR. I think that's right. Top is done.

Sci-fi sidekick, maybe - BOT? NYC Country Club? - THE UN. That's cute. "What a kidder!" - OH YOU. Free Pass, of sorts - BYE.

54 across (redlines) is DEMOTES. 9 empty squares to go. Stiller's comedy partner is Anne MEARA. 6 to go. Richard Strauss must have been born in MUNICH because that's what fits. Down to 3. 62 Across (Be _____ and...) 5 letters A_ _ _ R

A Dear! It's done! But wait, flip the page over...and there's a whole other puzzle for me to do...on the Subway home. I'll let you know how it goes.

One more time though - the A to Z to A theme: ZIMARROZESTARIZONADBIZEENAntZ and ARNAZARTACLATOZTOAINOCRIZAPPA (Alcatraz and Zirconia are the backwards ones) .

Story of the Week - June 30-July 4

2008-07-03T09:07:00.002-05:00

A day early, cause of that holiday thing.

A couple of my favorite July 4 facts:

George M. Cohan, the man who wrote the song "Born on the Fourth of July", was born on July 3, 1878.
John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, political rivals and the country's 2nd and 3rd presidents, both died on the same day - July 4, 1826, the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.
On July 2, 1776, the Continental Congress passed a resolution declaring "these United Colonies are, and of right, ought to be, Free and Independent States." But it says July 4th on the Declaration, so we go with that.

On to story of the week, which I call:

FARC: Funniest name of an extremist left-wing insurgent terrorist group ever!

FARC , the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, is widely recognized as a terrorist cell, or a group of gangster thugs perhaps, have had a stranglehold on the legitimate Colombian government for decades and control most of the region's lucrative and criminal cocaine production. FARC is the reason the U.S. sends billions of dollars in aid to Colombia in the name of drug prevention.

FARC has hundreds of people held hostage deep in the Colombian jungle. And this week, they have 15 fewer, thanks to a stunningly awesome rescue by the Colombian army and US forces there.

Two things strike me about the hostage rescue: 1. the way it happened is a deliciously good story. and 2. the fact that there have been American hostages in Colombia for years, and we hardly ever hear about them.

So first, the rescue. Here's how it happened. Government agents spent months working their way into FARC ranks. They gained the trust of the rebels, got themselves promoted to levels where they could learn the inner workings of the organization, and put themselves in positions of power.

Then the agents proposed a plan to move 15 hostages from three different locations deep in the jungle to one rendezvous point 90 miles away, telling their FARC friends that an international mission was coming to visit the hostages.

More government agents posing as FARC rebels met the 60 or so real FARC rebels and the 15 hostages at the rendezvous point via helicopter. The helicopter crew handcuffed the hostages and took them aboard, along with two of the 60 guards. The helicopter took off. When it was safely off the ground, the government agents knocked out the 2 FARC guards, cuffed them, then uncuffed the hostages and told them they were free.

It was a beautifully simple, perfectly executed bait-and-switch that could be a James Bond plot if it hasn't been already. As a result, FARC was humiliated and significantly weakened by the Colombian Government, which has been battling the terrorist group seemingly forever. Also, 3 of the hostages were American, and had spend nearly 5 years in FARC prison camps.

That's right, five years. I bet you hadn't heard about that.

It's my understanding that during the Iranian Hostage Crisis of 1979-81, when over 50 Americans were held hostage at the embassy in Tehran, ABC created a nightly news cast devoted to all developments in the effort to bring them home. Today, it's called Nightline.
Every night, Ted Koppel gave Americans a daily reminder that there were Americans in captivity abroad. That crisis lasted 444 days.

These guys in Colombia were there for 5 years! How has there been no outrage? Or at least, some news on the situation, some effort to get them back? It doesn't make sense. And worst of all, there are more of them, still being held deep in the Colombian jungle, by a group of terrorists.

I don't know if we can expect more daring rescues any time soon, but we should be working on it, especially if we're supposed to be fighting a "global war on terror." Not all terrorists speak Arabic. Some of them speak Spanish and grow cocaine.

And have a silly acronym. FARC!

Where Have I Been?

2008-06-30T09:57:00.004-05:00

I know, I've been MIA, thanks to the 10 of you that noticed.

I'll make it up to you, with my 10 favorite news stories of the last 2 weeks, in no particular order.

Harmony in Unity
I'm glad Hillary and Barack made nice, but the way they did it makes me want to throw up. And I want to throw up right on the town of Unity, NH. Unity, NH, a town so united, the town's democrats cast exactly the same number of votes for Obama as they did for Clinton. Doesn't sound like unity to me. And to the democrats - stop giving the media the easy way out when it comes to punnery and wordplay. Make 'em work for it.

Gas Prices Hurting Brothels
This is my favorite "gas prices hurting business" story of all time. Brothels in Nevada are experiencing a roughly 25% decline in business because of high gas prices. See, 75% of brothel clients are long-haul truckers who have to spend double what they spent a year ago on gas, leaving less money, presumably, for, um, other things.

But the brothels aren't taking this lying down. One brothel is offering $50 gas cards to clients who spend $300, and $100 cards for those who spend $500.
Another, the Moonlite BunnyRanch (the one made famous by HBO's Cathouse: The Series...don't act like you don't know...) is offering to provide double the services for the first 100 people who spend their economic stimulus checks at the brothel.
The BunnyRanch calls its promotion "Double Your Stimulus."

Man Leaves Jail Naked, Gets Arrested Again
In a related story, well, the headline pretty much covers it. Guy gets let out of jail, doesn't like the clothes he was given. So he takes off said clothes, starts to walk home naked. Witnesses call police, who arrest the man and take him to jail.

Mets win Subway Series
Here's a fun stat - Jose Reyes has scored a run in each of the last 13 Mets wins.
Actual conversation from the 7 train after Sunday's 3-1 Mets victory:
10 year old kid: Yankees Rule! Mets Stink!
Much older passenger: Scoreboard!
10 year old kid: Yankees won two out of three
Much Older passenger: no, they split--
10 Year old kid: --if you don't count the game on Friday, which was really from May.
Other passenger: But the Mets swept at Yankee Stadium
10 Year old kid: yeah they did but Yankees won 2 out of three at Shea.
Other passenger: So the Mets won the Subway series 4 out of 6.
10 year old kid: Yankees Rule! Mets Stink!

Tiger's Big Day
It took 19 extra holes, but Tiger Woods won the U.S. Open. A day later he announced he was having season-ending knee surgery. That means he won the U.S. Open with a broken leg. And that's just crazy.

Employee Who Updated Russert's Wikipedia Page Fired
When Tim Russert died, the first place I saw the news (after hearing rumors fly for about an hour) was Wikipedia. The page simply said "Tim Russert (May 7, 1950 - June 13, 2008) Of course, it was 3:30 on June 13, 2008 when I saw it, and the mainstream news media had yet to break the news. It's possible Russert's family didn't know before that was posted. I thought there had to be a b-movie plot in there somewhere - "a man changes his ways after wikipedia says he's going to die the next day." Turns out - a junior-level employee at a company that provides web services to NBC posted to Wikipedia, thinking the news was already public knowledge. Oops.
I'll take "things that can get you fired very quickly for $200, Alex..."

Hardee Har Har
Two notable passings - one melancholy mash-up headline.
Wilbur Hardee, founder of Hardee's restaurants, died June 20, at the age of 89. Of course, West of the Rockies, he was known as Wilbur Carl's Jr.

Hardee opened his first burger stand in 1960. There are now nearly 2,000 Hardee's restaurants nationwide.

And comedian and wordsmith George Carlin died last week. I saw this particularly negative obituary of him in a Nova Scotia newspaper by Peter Duffy, an article I'm sure Carlin would have had a good chuckle at, and clearly said something like "this guy doesn't get it," and turned his words against him. Here's my favorite paragraph:

He was probably best known for his Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television routine. Two of these words involved bodily functions; two were slang names for parts of the female anatomy; one was an Anglo-Saxon word for the sex act and the remaining two were insults involving derivatives of it.

Let me help you, Mr Duffy:
Two of these words involved bodily functions - shit and piss
two were slang names for parts of the female anatomy - tits and cunt
one was an Anglo-Saxon word for the sex act - fuck
and the remaining two were insults involving derivatives of it - motherfucker, and...well, the 7th word is "cocksucker," which isn't a derivative of "fuck", so he's wrong. Which makes his indignation even funnier.

The right to arm bears?
Makes about as much sense as the Supreme Court decision that will put more handguns on the streets of Washington, D.C. and other crime-ridden areas. The court says individuals have the right to defend themselves with assault rifles and such. I think they're misreading the sentence:

"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

I'm all in favor of the Constitution, but can't we agree that some of the language is obsolete? BrookLyn GaL and I had a discussion about the 3rd amendment:

"No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law."

This was drafted because American colonists were forced to house British soldiers during the French and Indian War, and pretty much doesn't apply to today's army at all. It's pretty obsolete, but doesn't really garner much discussion. We decided it can stay in the Constitution, because what if the country went under martial law or something and the army forced you to let a soldier crash on your couch and then required you to feed him/her? That would be terribly inconvenient.

Dog loses $10 Million
a year ago, Leona Helmsley died and left $12 million, the largest portion of her inheritance, to her dog Trouble (instead of to her family or her charitable fund or countless other worthier causes). A judge reduced the amount to $2 million last week, saying that is enough money to fund the highest, most luxurious level of care for 10 years - double the dog's life expectancy. The judge said the other $10 million should go to charity. Trouble currently lives in Florida with the General Manager of the Helmsley Sandcastle Hotel. He estimates the annual care costs at $190,000, including his own $60,000 guardian fee and $100,000 for round-the-clock security.

Martha Stewart Visa Denied
Because of her criminal history and subsequent jail time, lifestyle guru Martha Stewart was barred entrance the United Kingdom. The government says they don't want redecorating the Houses of Parliament or recklessly improving the quality of British cuisine.

Story of the Week - June 9-13

2008-06-13T10:05:00.004-05:00

Happy Birthday Dad.

Wither Reality?

Maybe, just maybe, the reality TV craze is ending. Or at least receding.

On Monday night, New episodes of reality TV shows got lower ratings than reruns of scripted shows on other networks.

ABC finished 4th among the major networks. A two hour episode of The Bachelorette took in less than 7 million viewers. The Mole followed up with just 4 million.
Meanwhile, reruns of House and Bones on Fox doubled up ABC. So did a rerun of CBS' CSI: Miami. I know it's just one night, so I can't call it a trend. But these numbers are encouraging.

I'm not saying that reality tv is disappearing. Just that it's slowly exiting the network TV stage. In 2000-01, just as the reality craze was taking hold, networks collectively aired 7 reality shows. This included Fox's COPS and America's Most Wanted, arguably two of the original reality tv series, and definitely the most persistent. The list also included the second installment of Survivor which was then making weekly headlines (remember Richard Hatch, the naked guy who won the first one?), and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, which isn't a reality show so much as a game show, but Millionaire proved that networks could stop trying to fill each time slot with something different, as it aired the Regis Philbin quizzer 3, sometimes 4 or even 5 days a week.

By 2004-05, the craze was in full swing. Networks offered 31 reality shows that year, from standbys like Survivor, American Idol, and The Amazing Race, to more forgettable programs like My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, Life of Luxury, and Renovate My Family. And of course, COPS and America's Most Wanted. You could say the network tv landscape was oversaturated with cheaply made, poorly planned reality garbage. And you'd be (with a few exceptions) right.

In 2007-08, before the writer's strike, only 17 reality shows hit the networks, and a similar amount is planned for '08-'09. 17 is still a lot, but here's the thing: many are really game shows (Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader, Deal or No Deal, Don't Forget the Lyrics), not reality shows. And even more striking is the fact of the 17 planned for '08-'09, only one (Opportunity Knocks) is new. And that one's borrowed from Britain. And of course 2 of them are COPS and America's Most Wanted.

Sidebar: why are COPS and America's Most Wanted still on, and are they really making new episodes? And is anybody watching? Really?

The bulk of reality TV has been relegated to Cable. Chances are, you have one vice or another (mine is Top Chef) you stalk on Bravo, VH1, MTV, or the Learning Channel (or Discovery, or Food Network, etc.) The genre has been diced up into subgenres like competition and celeb reality and others. And I'm convinced the channel selection would contract significantly if people suddenly stopped watching reality TV altogether.

But network TV is and should be held to a higher standard. Bigger budgets, yes, but also higher quality shows with more of a chance at becoming part of the greater public conversation. The reality shows that have stuck on network tv are the ones that have become fixtures in American pop culture (American Idol, Dancing With the Stars) are just plain better than most other offerings (The Amazing Race, Survivor) or for some reason still pull big ratings (The Bachelor, Extreme Makeover Home Edition). We want quality on network TV, keep the crap on cable (and we want R-rated quality on HBO and Showtime)

Reality raised the bar for Sitcoms and Dramas, and those shows are living up to the challenge with quality offerings. Quality enough that a rerun of a good drama is more popular than a new episode of a piece of crap reality show. Cable knows this. The premiere of the second season of the drama Army Wives just became Lifetime's highest rated show ever. And more and more cable shows are ending up with emmy nominations.

Some say we're living in the golden age of television right now. I have to agree, except I miss The West Wing. Because we have so many choices as consumers, producers can't just throw crap at us all the time. So half the reality junk food has gone away, leaving room for a well-balanced meal on Network TV.

Now if only Fox would cancel COPS.

Wednesday Wordplay - more Scrabulous fun!

2008-06-11T12:29:00.004-05:00

One game of Scrabble. 42 words needing to be put to good use. Um, sort of.

A Wavey is a wild North American goose, the only zoic word of the bunch.

Two words start with Q - Quags (short for quagmires - giggity) and Qi. Qi is a vital life force, so it doesn't need a "U". Just like Qatar, a country in the middle east, but you can't use it in Scrabble. Its currency, the Riyal, is good.

If you go see an ex, a former Jo, or an old flame, if you will, don't count on sex. That's wrong, and it could get you into a heap of trouble.

Grandma knits sweaters and says "Pin your jeans when they get too long." Er...what else?

The vet gave the dog a clip, which caused her to wag her tail. Then he retied the bow on her head, and freed her.

Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do...demos an aural exercise.

Too silly? a strange tact? Nah, I rode it this far, I feel haled to finish what I started.

Gob? Es de tab? ah, na...

All done. Woo!

Story of the Week - June 2-6

2008-06-06T14:42:00.005-05:00

It's the Stupid Economy, Stupid

Facts: The U.S Economy lost 49,000 jobs in May, and has lost 324,000 year to date.
The Unemployment rate rose from 5.0% in april to 5.5% in May, the biggest monthly increase since 1986.

What Barack Obama wants: Change that will provide working families with a middle-class tax cut, affordable health care and college, and an energy plan that will create up to five million good-paying jobs that can’t be outsourced.

What John McCain says Barack Obama wants: The wrong change for our country - an economic agenda based upon the policies of the past that advocate higher taxes, bigger government, government-run health care and greater isolationism.

What John McCain wants: immediate tax relief (aka tax cuts), enacting a HOME plan to help those facing foreclosure, lowering health care costs, investing in innovation, moving toward energy independence and opening foreign markets to our goods.

What Barack Obama says John McCain wants: to spend billions of dollars on tax breaks for big corporations and wealthy CEOs and continue failed Bush economic policies for another 4 years.

What Hillary Clinton wants: still not entirely sure.

What I want:

I want the "change" wars to stop. Senators, you are overusing the word.

I want to stop hearing about tax cuts until the U.S has paid off its gazillion dollars in debt. Taxes pay for stuff we need. Like roads. And running water. And wars.

I want old Jews to stop thinking Barack Obama is a muslim. He's not. This isn't an issue that's up for debate.

I want all those women who voted for Hillary and shouted "Denver!" at her rally Tuesday to realize that a John McCain presidency means no chance at universal health care.

I want issues like abortion, gay marriage, and whether or not a candidate wears a flag pin to go away.

I want people who can cause the price of oil to rise by $11 a barrel to be a little more careful about what they say:

Israeli's deputy Prime Minister, Shaul Mofaz, said "an attack on Iran is unavoidable." This spooked the oil market and caused the price to skyrocket.

Hey! Shaul! Shut up. There was no need for you to say that. If Iran develops a viable nuclear weapon, Israel is going to at least try to blow it up (and chances are they'll succeed). Just ask Iraq or Syria what happened to their nuclear programs. And, Mr. Mofaz, if an attack on Iran is unavoidable, then you can't avoid it by talking about it. Keep your mouth shut. Gas is expensive enough.

I want Barack Obama to beat John McCain in November.

Foofaraw - A big fuss over small matters

2008-06-03T08:49:00.003-05:00

So things happen. I miss a story of the week. After being late on another. I'm slacking. Let's get you caught up with some foofaraw.

If you could ask an astronaut one question only, what would it be? If you're normal, you'd ask, "how do you go to the bathroom in space?" And thus, there's the number one (or number two) reason we as a nation have paid attention to NASA this year.

But fear not. After two weeks of manual flushing, Discovery arrived with a spare pump and the Russian-made toilet has been restored to full working order.

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The guy who invented the Pringles can died last weekend. His family honored his dying wish to have a portion of his cremains placed inside a Pringles can.

I don't have a joke for this.

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Priceline.com is offering a money-back guarantee if you book a summer vacation and it rains for more than half your trip.

Translation: Priceline.com is offering free trips to London, England this summer.

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Yves Saint Laurent died yesterday and was also a clue in the New York Times Crossword Puzzle. Isn't that weird?

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I might be in the middle of the weirdest Scrabulous game ever. Among the words used so far:
aural, quag, riyal, and zoic. More on this tomorrow.

Wednesday Wordplay - Freedom is Pancakes

2008-05-28T12:18:00.003-05:00

George W. Bush gave the commencement address at the U.S Air Force Academy today. He used the word "freedom" a total of twenty times.

I also saw an add for IHOP with the slogan "International House of Freedom"

By this logic, freedom=pancakes.

For good measure, tyranny=waffles.

I've revised and abridged Mr. Bush's remarks for this Wednesday Wordplay. Enjoy.

Thank you. Mr. Secretary, thank you for the kind introduction. General Moseley, General Regni; Mr. Congressman, thank you. Academy staff and faculty, distinguished guests, and proud family members. I am so pleased to stand before the future leaders of the United States Air Force.

In the 20th century, air power helped make possible pancake's victory in great ideological struggles with fascism and communism. In those struggles, our nation faced evil men with territorial ambitions and totalitarian aims, who murdered the innocent to achieve their political objectives. Through a combination of military strength and national resolve, and faith in the power of pancakes, we defeated these adversaries -- and secured the peace for millions across the world.

And now, in the 21st century, our nation is once again contending with an ideology that seeks to sow anger and hatred and despair -- the ideology of Islamic extremism. In today's struggle, we are once again facing evil men who despise pancakes, and despise America, and aim to subject millions to their violent rule. And once again, our nation is called to defeat these adversaries -- and secure the peace for millions across the world. And once again, our enemies will be no match for the men and women of the United States Air Force.

Today, revolutionary advances in technology are transforming warfare. During Operation Iraqi Pancakes, for example, we employed military capabilities so precise that coalition air crews could take out a tank hiding under a bridge without damaging the bridge. With this military technology, we can now target a regime without targeting an entire nation. We've removed two cruel regimes in weeks instead of years. In Afghanistan, coalition forces and their Afghan allies drove the Taliban from power in less than two months. In Iraq, with the help of the United States Air Force, our troops raced across 350 miles of enemy territory to liberate Baghdad in less than one month -- one of the fastest armored advances in military history.

These facts create both opportunities and challenges. One opportunity is that, if we have to fight our enemies, we can now do so with greater precision and greater humanity. In the age of advanced weapons, we can better strike -- we can better target strikes against regimes and individual terrorists. Sadly, there will be civilian casualties in war. But with these advances, we can work toward this noble goal: defeating the enemies of pancakes while sparing the lives of many more innocent people -- which creates another opportunity, and that is, by making war more precise, we can make war less likely.

And you'll see the impact of these changes in your own Air Force careers. Instead of serving at 10,000 feet, some of you will serve on the ground as battlefield airmen -- deploying behind enemy lines and using laser technology to fix targets for aviators circling above. Instead of sitting in jet fighter cockpits, some of you will sit before computer consoles at bases here in the United States, where you'll guide Predator UAVs half a world away and use them to strike terrorist hideouts. These and other changes will increase your ability to prevail in asymmetric warfare. They will make you more effective in the defense of pancakes.

In both the 20th century and today, defeating hateful ideologies requires using our national resources to strengthen free institutions in countries that are fighting extremists. We must help these nations govern their territorial -- territory effectively so they can deny safe haven to our common enemies. And in Afghanistan and Iraq, where we removed regimes that threatened our people, we have a special obligation to help these nations build free and just societies that are strong partners in the fight against these extremists and terrorists.

We've assumed this obligation before. After World War II, we helped Germany and Japan build free societies and strong economies. These efforts took time and patience, and as a result, Germany and Japan grew in freedom and prosperity. Germany and Japan, once mortal enemies, are now allies of the United States. And people across the world have reaped the benefits from that alliance. Today, we must do the same in Afghanistan and Iraq. By helping these young democracies grow in pancakes and prosperity, we'll lay the foundation of peace for generations to come.

This experience will help shape your careers as officers in the United States Air Force. During your time in uniform, some of you will have to help young democracies build free institutions amid chaos and confusion. You'll have to work with civilians on the battlefield in ways generations never imagined. To support your efforts, to help you make young democracies transition from waffles to pancakes, one thing is for certain: The United States Congress better make sure you have all the resources you need to do your job.

For all the advanced military capabilities at our disposal, the most powerful weapon in our arsenal is the power of pancakes. We can see this story in the 20th century. In 1941, when Nazi bombers pounded London and Imperial Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, the future of pancakes appeared bleak. There were only about a dozen democracies in the world -- it seemed that waffles, not liberty, was on the march. And even after Japan and Germany were defeated in World War II, pancakes' victory was far from clear. In Europe, the advance of Nazi waffles was replaced by the advance of Soviet waffles. In Asia, the world saw the Japanese Empire recede and communism claim most of its former territory -- from China to Korea, to Vietnam.

Many throughout history have underestimated the power of pancakes to overcome waffles and transform whole societies. Yet in the end, despite challenges and setbacks, pancakes ultimately prevail, because the desire for liberty is written by our Creator in every human heart. We see that desire in the citizens of Georgia and Ukraine who stood up for their right to free and fair elections. We see that desire in the people of Lebanon who took to the streets to demand their independence. We see that desire in the Afghans who emerged from the waffles of the Taliban to choose a new president and a new parliament. We see that desire in the jubilant Iraqis who held up ink-stained fingers, and celebrated their pancakes. And in these scenes, we see an unmistakable truth: Whenever men and women are given a real choice, they choose to live in pancakes.

The enemies of pancakes understand this -- and that is why they're fighting desperately to deny this choice to men and women across the Middle East. But we understand some things, too: We understand that pancakes help replace the conditions of hopelessness that extremists exploit to recruit terrorists and suicide bombers. We understand that free societies are peaceful societies, and that people who live in liberty and hope do not turn to ideologies of hatred and fear. And that is why, for the security of America and the peace for the world, the great mission of your generation is to lead the cause of pancakes.

This is the last time I'll address a military Academy commencement as the President. Over the past eight years, from Annapolis to West Point, to New London, to Colorado Springs, I have looked out at the best young men and women our nation has to offer -- and I have stood in awe. And I stand in awe again today. Each of you is a volunteer who stepped forward to accept the burdens of war, knowing all the dangers you would face upon graduation. You willingly risk your lives and futures so that our country can have a future of pancakes and peace. Our enemies say that America is weak and decadent, and does not have the stomach for the long fight.

A nation that produces citizens of virtue and character and courage like you can overcome any challenge and defeat any adversary. So I'll leave this campus today filled with the confidence in the course of our struggle and the fate of our country, because I've got confidence in each of you.

Thank you. May God bless, and congratulations to the Class of 2008.

Ok, also: someone tell me what this is supposed to mean:

And we need to recognize that the only way America can lose the war on terror is if we defeat ourselves.

WHAT?

Story of the Week - May 19-23

2008-05-23T07:32:00.002-05:00

And Now an Important Message from American Airlines

Dear Loyal Customer:

Due to the recent astronomical rise in fuel prices, American Airlines has been forced to pass on additional costs to its passengers. We understand this is an inconvenience, but we’d like to make it up to you.

In an effort to keep your business, American has decided to lower the price of all fares to $5*.

However, we are reducing the size of our fleet to one plane per airport. To meet demand, all seats on all flights will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.

Winners of all spaces will receive a congratulatory letter (please add $5 shipping and handling to the final auction price for your congratulatory letter) and the option to upgrade to a seat with a seatbelt, 2 armrests, dropdown oxygen mask and seat cushion floatation device for $250. (Due to FAA regulations, this optional upgrade is mandatory).

Once your seat is reserved**, we hope your airport experience will be a pleasant one. To speed the process, you may print your boarding pass at home. To do so, go to aa.com and click “check in at home.” Have your credit card ready***. You may also check in at the airport using our automated kiosks, a major credit card and your confirmation number. If you do not remember your confirmation number, you may purchase a new one for the convenient low price of $20 (note: you must have a confirmation number in order to check in).

After you have paid for your boarding pass, you can check any bags you may have brought with you (and for that matter, you can check any bags you may not have brought with you!), again for a nominal fee for your convenience. American will now check your bags for the low low price of $15 for the first bag, $25 for the second bag, and $100 for the third bag. If checking more than 3 bags, a routine credit check is required along with a minimum down payment of $2,000 toward the cost of a used MD-80 passenger aircraft****.

For your comfort and convenience, American Airlines has overhauled the TSA Security experience. We’re really excited about our “Personal Choice TSA” program and we think you will be, too. Our security experience is now only $37. If you’d like your full cavity search performed by an attractive member of the opposite sex, please add $50. For children, we suggest you purchase anti-pedophile insurance for $95. It’s a small price to pay for your child’s safety and security.

Once on board the aircraft, we have a number of services available for your comfort and entertainment. First, we invite you to rent space in our overhead compartments to store any bulky carryon luggage you have chosen not to check. Space is available for just $29 per square inch.

The in-flight safety demonstration is as good as any fringe theater performance. Tickets are mandatory and just $17. During flight, complementary beverages are available for $9. Supplementary beverages are also available for $18. If you’d like to use the bathroom, be sure to bring quarters, and a little bit of luck! If you don’t have quarters, they may be purchased on board for $2 each.

We do apologize that due to budget constraints, American no longer offers luxuries such as meals, pillows, blankets, in-cabin lighting, or window shades. However, we at American Airlines are committed to your comfort and safety. If you should need assistance at any point during the flight, please feel free to ask a flight attendant, who will gladly come to your seat, hit you with a hammer, knock you unconscious and steal what’s left of your money. We assure you you’ll wake up refreshed and ready for an adventure, wherever your final destination may be. And we really mean that, because depending on how much fuel our experienced flight crew is given to work with, you may or may not make it to your intended destination.

American Airlines appreciates your business in these difficult times. We hope you’ll take advantage of our industry-low $5 fares the next time your travel plans call for
air travel.*****

Sincerely,

American Airlines.

*Does not include federal airline tax ($92), sales tax ($1.22), Federal anti-terrorism surcharge ($100), and NASA airspace intrusion fees ($1,339). North Dakota residents add $5,000 to final cost of flight. $5 fares not valid for flights between any two original colonies.

**All seat reservations subject to change. American Airlines does not officially accept bribes for better seat locations but it does accept unofficial bribes in the form of cash, family heirlooms, child labor and sexual favors.

***Please add $9 per credit card transaction. Cash, personal checks not accepted.

****Bag check not required to purchase retired aircraft. Seriously, wanna buy an old MD-80? Still works, just guzzles gas and we can’t afford that now, can we? C’mon, be a pal, buy an airplane. I’m talking to you, national airline of small African country…

*****This letter is property of AMR Corporation and must be returned within 2 days of receipt at risk of $30,000 fine and up to 90 days incarceration.

Wednesday Wordplay - Haikus

2008-05-21T12:42:00.003-05:00

There seems to come a time in the life of every blog when haiku is employed. For the Full Circle, that time is now.

This week's Wednesday Wordplay: definitions in Haiku.

You have skinny toes

and skinny fingers. You are
Leptodactylous.

Remuneration -
Something that pays an equal
Amount for; Fair pay.

Perspicuity:
Clearness and Lucidity.
Simple enough, right?

Extemporane--
--ous. Damn! Too many sylla--
--bles. Damn! Did it a--

(Oh, yeah, by the way
Extemporaneous means
Spur-of-the-moment.)

A malingerer
Calls in sick even if he's
perfectly healthy.

Look at all of these
diff'rent elements! A Nice
agglomeration.

Hey! Olivier!
Read these haikus to yourself -
No histrionics!

Benedict Arnold
The most famous disloyal,
Perfidious man.

A powerful storm
that sucks things to its middle
is called a maelstrom.

Supercilious:
Patronizingly haughty
expressing contempt.

Lackadaisical
don't know the meaning? Don't be
lazy - look it up!

Story of the Week - May 12-16

2008-05-19T08:41:00.002-05:00

A little late this week. Do I lose a letter grade?

Grey's Anatomy Sucks

I got hooked on Grey's Anatomy (and I took the heat from my guy friends for it) back when it was eye and ear candy. It was sexy, it was funny, it was quirky. And now it sucks.

Just when I thought this show couldn't get any worse than it was at the stale, drawn out, and at times frustrating end of the last season, it decides to move the plot with brain tumors. Lots of them.

For the past 4 episodes, someone checks in to Seattle Grace Hospital with an inoperable brain tumor, some odd supposed-to-be-funny-or-teach-you-something mood altering brain damage, and checks out in a body bag. In this week's episode, Meredith thinks the woman's tumor is causing her to invent a boyfriend. The woman wants to wait for the boyfriend to come before she goes under the knife. Meredith insists the boyfriend is imaginary. Woman goes in for surgery. Turns out boyfriend is real, and he shows up just in time to see his girlfriend turned into a vegetable. How uplifting.

And how stupid. Because we all know what's coming. The tumor parade is a set up for Meredith and Derek to get back together for the three millionth time. Probably after they save one of these tumor patients and drink that not-so-subtly-foreshadowed bottle of champagne.

The once fun and scandalous show has become boring, predictable and melodramatic. Consider the synopsis of one of the better episodes from Season 1:

A sexually transmitted disease breaks out and affects several members of the hospital staff. Chief Webber promptly calls a meeting. Meanwhile, the chief reluctantly tells Dr. Derek Shepherd about his own medical concerns. Izzie and Cristina worry about a patient's wife and daughter who can't agree on his care. Burke treats his college buddy Bill, whose medical diagnosis raises some questions regarding his wife's actions. Then just as Meredith and Derek grow more intimate, a surprise is revealed.

Yes! It was the STD hour, in a funny way! And then at the end, the surprise - "you must be the woman who's sleeping with my husband." And we're off and running.

Three years later, nobody's shtupping in the on-call room, Izzie, Meredith, new sexy intern Lexi, etc, all keep their clothes on and the episode ends with Torres and Hahn sharing a kiss in the elevator. A girl on girl kiss that we've been bracing for for a month, and NOT looking forward to.

In conclusion, allow me to bash the show with a series of medical metaphors. Someone call in a code blue and charge the paddles. Grey's is crashing.

Looks like this show could use some experimental brain surgery.

Cause at the moment, it's making me sick.

Wednesday Wordplay - Phrases to be phased out

2008-05-14T12:51:00.003-05:00

Today - 3 Phrases that need to disappear.

1. Have a safe day
This phrase is usually used to conclude a train safety announcement encouraging you to watch the gap between the train and the station platform and speak up if you think the guy sitting next to you might have a bomb in his briefcase. Then you're told "have a safe day."

So for the record, if you aren't blown up or crushed between the train and the platform?
Isn't it safe to say that nearly every day is a safe day? And if it's a dangerous day, I probably won't have a chance to have another?

And more importantly, by telling me and my fellow passengers to have a safe day but watch out we may need you to thwart a terror attack, you're sending mixed messages. By thwarting terror I'm probably putting myself in danger, aren't I? Telling us all to have a safe day is pointless, there's nothing I can do about it. Go back to wishing me well. Or just say "thank you for listening to this pointless announcement. New York next."

2. Have a Safe Flight
Stupid. Unless you're a pilot, you have no control over whether the flight is safe or not. If that plane's going down and you're in coach, it doesn't make much difference whether you were told to have a safe flight or not. The flight is no longer safe. "Drive safe", consequently, can stay.

3. What was your name again?
Why would you say this? Only one circumstance where this question is appropriate - if you are addressing someone who's switched genders.
--What was your name again?
--Jonathan. But now it's Jillian.

In all other cases, if someone asks you "what was your name again?", this is the only proper response: "(insert your name). and it still is."

Story of the Week - May 5-9

2008-05-09T12:51:00.004-05:00

Hard to Fathom

fathom - v. to penetrate to the truth of; comprehend; understand

A cyclone this week in Burma killed (depending on what source you cite) either 22,000 or 100,000 people, and left behind a nightmare situation for the living.

I heard at least one pundit call the disaster "Myanmar's Katrina." No. Katrina was bad. This is worse.

How much worse? You can't even begin to penetrate the truth of such a disaster.

One Hundred Thousand people dead? Incomprehensible, you can't even begin to put that into perspective. You can't even fathom 22,000.

Response was slow after Hurricane Katrina, but that was nothing compared to this. Our government showed incompetence. The military junta that controls Burma doesn't care at all about its people. That's hard to understand. What's even harder to figure out is why this military junta doesn't want help from the outside world. An outside world that wants to help.

You can't comprehend such indifference, oppression and ignorance. As bad as the Bush administration has been, you can still be assured that what happened in Myanmar can't happen here. Or any thing remotely close to that, for that matter.

In September, I wrote about Myanmar/Burma after monks there staged a protest against the military junta. The protests sparked international outrage and brought the plight of the Burmese people to the forefront of world consciousness. Then the junta squashed the protests and the world (for the most part) went back to forgetting about the Burmese people.

Paying attention wouldn't have stopped the natural disaster. But had the military junta disbanded in September, it's at least plausible to think the aid might be getting through to the people who need it now. Instead, we are seeing the government stop shipments of food, block visas to UN aid workers, and add to the already incomprehensible death toll.

There's not much more to say really. Except that it's hard to fathom.

Wednesday Wordplay

2008-05-07T10:30:00.003-05:00

Today on Wednesday Wordplay - people words.

Do you know anyone who is a:

Argus - a watchful guardian
Bruxer - one who habitually grinds his teeth.
Centaur - an expert horse rider
Cruciverbalist - A compiler or solver of crossword puzzles.
Deipnosophist - A person skilled in dinner-table conversation.
Funambulist - a tightrope walker
Gongoozler - an idle spectator
Hidalgo - a member of the lower nobility in Spain
Ideophobic - a person who is afraid of ideas
Josser - one born outside circus life
Killick - a leading seaman in the British Navy.
Lychnobite - One who works at night and sleeps during the day.
Mudlark - someone who scavenges in a river for items of value.
Piker - a cheapskate
Quidnunc - a gossip
Schnook - a moron.
Toxophilite - an expert archer.
Turophile - a lover of cheese.
Ultracrepidarian - Somebody who gives opinions on matters beyond his knowledge.
Velocipedist - a rider of a velocipede, an early type of bicycle

For the record, I am definitely a cruciverbalist, a Josser, have at times been a gongoozler. I am most definitely not a centaur.

Story of the Week - April 28-May 2

2008-05-02T09:44:00.002-05:00

Psst! They're pandering to you!

Solve:

John, Hillary and Barack are running for President. After gas prices hit record highs for 17 straight days in April, John and Hillary both propose a gas tax holiday. For the entire summer, Americans won't have to pay tax on their gas, saving them 18 cents on every gallon of gas they buy. Barack thinks John and Hillary's plans are silly and won't save Americans much money. The Smith family from North Carolina is moving to California this summer. Mr. and Mrs. Smith figure out that if they drive to their new home, they will need to fill their car's 15 gallon tank 8 times. If gas costs an average of $4.00 a gallon normally, how much money will they save this summer if there is a gas tax holiday? Is it a significant amount of money or are John and Hillary pandering to the Smith family to win their votes?

The answer:

If gas costs $4.00 a gallon normally, it will cost the Smiths $60 to fill their tank each time. (4 x 15 = 60)

8 tanks of gas will cost the Smiths $480. (8 x 60 = 480)

With a gas tax holiday, the Smiths will save 18 cents per gallon of gas, so a gallon of gas will cost them an average of $3.82. (4.00-0.18 = 3.82)

If gas costs $3.82 a gallon, it will cost the Smiths $57.30 to fill their tank each time (3.82 x 15 = 57.30)

8 tanks of gas with the gas holiday will cost the Smiths $458.40 (57.30 x 8 = 458.40)

With a gas tax holiday in place this summer, the Smiths will save $21.60 on their trip cross country. (480-458.40 = 21.60)

Though it may supplement the purchase of snacks for the road, this is not a significant amount of money. ($21.60 = 6 lbs of trail mix for the road)

Therefore, John and Hillary are pandering to the Smith family for their votes.

Story of the Week - April 21-25

2008-04-25T15:00:00.000-05:00

Difficult to Bear

The teddy bear has seriously harmed our society's perception of actual bears.

This week, in reaction to a particular bear-related story, my coworker said this:

"oh, look how cute! The poor bear is on the loose in Paramus!"

Wrong. Not cute. You know how I know? You don't cancel outdoor activities when there's something cute walking around outside. Nor do you send for police and guns.

Teddy bears are cute. Were a teddy bear on the loose in Paramus, you'd send the kids outside to say hi. Then you'd take the teddy bear with you to the Stateline Diner for pancakes. And he'd sit there being cute and quiet and he wouldn't eat your pancakes.

A real bear? He'd eat your pancakes. And he might even take a bite out of you.

The 345 pound black bear was shot with a tranquilizer dart in a public park. Authorities transferred the bear to a less populated area. Said my coworker, "oh the poor bear."

Wrong. The "poor bear" eluded police for more than 2 hours as he ran past a high school and a busy park where he could have attacked any number of people. Also they didn't kill it. They subdued it and took it to a more bear-friendly place.

Still: "aw, but look at him, he's so cute." It was at this point I reminded my coworker of another bear story from this week:

Grizzly Bear Attacks Trainer

The "loveable" grizzly bear from the Will Ferrell movie, Semipro, bit his trainer in the neck. The trainer died at the scene.

Said my coworker: Look at him, he's so cute.

Said I: I think he officially stopped being cute when he killed the guy.

Coworker: Yeah but he ate, like, his best friend. He bit his trainer in the neck and killed him.

Again, I made the distinction: teddy bears are cute, inanimate, cuddly. Grizzly bears are 7 ft tall, weigh 700 pounds and eat people.

Said Coworker: I feel bad for him, though. I want to pet him.

Ok. Not me. I don't want to pet anything that weighs 700 pounds and can eat me. I also don't feel bad for the bear. Authorities are deciding whether or not he should be euthanized for his actions. Deciding. The bear gets a trial. The trainer is still dead.

Coworker: but he's still cute.

Time for visual aids:

Cute:

Kills People:

I hope this clears things up. If you need more convincing, go to abc.com and watch this week's episode of Grey's Anatomy.

Wednesday Waffle Wordplay

2008-04-23T14:00:00.004-05:00

Too good to resist (I promise this time I'll maintain one position):

The leftovers of a waffle eaten by Barack Obama was posted on Ebay. That's two amazing waffle-related stories in the same month.

As stated in my "Waffle Kerfuffle" story, the key to a good waffle story is to work in (at least once) the verb form of the word "waffle."

Waffle is the perfect word for a political campaign. In fact, a synonym of waffle was the centerpiece of George W. Bush's reelection (no, not pancake) - "flip flop".

But enough about your shoes. It's Wednesday Waffle Wordplay time. Let's play with our food:

The word Waffle comes from the dutch word "wafel" which means "honeycomb." The verb form comes from the old english onomatopoeia "waff" which meant to yelp or bark, then evolved into "to equivocate" and tacked on the "le" to allow for pun-filled tales of vacillating breakfasters.

some words that can be made with the letters in "waffle": wale, leaf, flea, feal, waff, weal, flew, flaw, alef, lea, law, few, eff, awl, elf, ale.

Words that ryhme with Waffle: falafel (that's about it)

but if you stretch it - then awful. Hence the "awful waffle" a camp favorite immortalized in "Salute Your Shorts," in which a tennis racket is placed on the bare buttocks. Then a comb is scraped over the racket strings, and what you're left with is a series of waffled welts. (luckily I don't know about this from hands on experience)

I suppose "baffle" could rhyme with "waffle" if you had a funny accent.

Story of the Week - April 14-18

2008-04-18T10:14:00.003-05:00

Dear Wednesday Wordplay,

um, What?

--TFC

Yetziat New York

Here's a little something I learned in Hebrew School this week.

I learned a new verb this week, only it turns out, it wasn't new to me at all. In fact, it was one of the fundamental words of the Passover holiday and the Jewish faith.

The verb, in its infinitive form, is l'tziat.

The verb appears repeatedly in the Passover seder, in basically 3 contexts:

hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz. the bringer of bread from the earth.
motzi matzah - the part of the seder when we take out the matzah from under its cover and eat it for the first time.
the theme of the Passover Seder is Yitziat Mitzraim - the going out of Egypt. (as seen in the song "Deyenu" in the line "ilu hotzianu mimitzraim" (for bringing us out of egypt).

My Hebrew teacher offered another context for Yitziat Mitzraim that I decided to share with my handful of loyal blog readers this Passover season (and in light of a story that dominated this week's news)

Here's the portion of the article we read in class that I've translated as best I could:

Passover is an important, meaningful holiday in Judaism. It emphasizes the transformation from a group of people into a nation - from a group of slaves to a free people.

Yitziat Mitzraim is the turning point in the tale of the Jewish people, an event that completely changed our history.

We asked the students of Ulpan Akiva: do they also have their own Yitziat Mitzraim - a meaningful event, after which their lives never seemed the same.

The article chronicled a diverse group of Jews who at one time or another faced a moment of Yitziat Mitzraim. It's an interesting question, one that can enrich and make current the conversation at any seder, as a way of fulfilling the seder's request that each of us think of ourselves as having personally gone out from the land of Egypt.

My story of the week is a mini Yitziat Mitzraim - not a life altering event, but one that illustrates that new verb I learned - L'tziat (to take out, go out. It has a lot of meanings. In one context it means "to spend money" or as I like to think, to bring forth money from one's wallet). I call it Yitziat New York.

This year's seders fall on a Saturday and Sunday. That timing means that few Jewish Young Adults living in New York City have to face a difficult decision - to stay in the city and go to work, or to be home with family on Passover.

Then there's another timing thing - The Catholic Church, in the form of its leader, Pope Benedict XVI, has invaded New York City. With traffic everywhere blocked off and diverted on the streets, extra security in the Subways, and the Mets and Yankees both on the road (not to mention the ascension of thousands of gawking, goyish tourists), it's the perfect weekend for the young Jews of New York to go out from the land of Manhattan, to cross the sea (already conveniently parted by the miracle of modern bridges and tunnels) and enter into the promised land of good family and delicious food.

Minus, of course, the wandering for 40 years in the desert. Because, hey, some of us have to work Monday, and the Holy Father will be gone by then anyway.

For now, it's Passover, time to remember and to celebrate the Original Yitziat Mitzraim.

Wednesday Wordplay feels Neglected

2008-04-17T09:03:00.003-05:00

Dear Full Circle,

It's Thursday again, and I know you have an overwhelming stack of words from the Big Word a Day calendar from Avalanche publishing just sitting around not doing anything. So how about some love for your old buddy? It's been weeks, I'm dying here.

I understand, as this blog's deuteragonist, it is your prerogotive to collocate me as you see fit. In deference to that, I have been quiescent, shown equanimity, and demonstrated prodigious forebearance in the face of your resplendent intransigence.

I have tried to maintain rectitude despite the opprobrium, but I cannot continue to stand idly by while you parade a series of unprepossessing, sententious stories of the week onto the blog without so much as a passing glance at your friend, Wednesday Wordplay. I must remonstrate this turpitude.

And so I fastidiously compose this letter, that i may macadamize whatever fiduciary pothole (so to speak) that may have formed in our short yet prosperous time together. I do not wish to obfuscate the terms of our relationship with an angry, juvenescent rant. I only hope to put an end to this aeonian delay, and to restore Wednesday Wordplay to its rightful regularity, for a preponderance of Wednesdays to come.

Yours truly,
Wednesday Wordplay.

deuteragonist - n. the actor taking the part of second importance in a classical greek drama.

collocate - v. to set or arrange in a place or position.

deference - n. submission or courteous yielding to the wishes of another.

quiescent - adj. being quiet, still, or at rest; inactive.

equanimity - n. calmness of temperament.

prodigious - adj. impressively great in size, force or extent.

forbearance - n. tolerance and restraint in the face of provocation; patience.

resplendent - adj. splendid or dazzling in appearance.

intransigent - n. refusing to moderate a position; uncompromising.

rectitude - n. moral integrity; righteousness

opprobrium - n. public or known disgrace or ill fame that ordinarily follows from conduct considered grossly wrong or vicious.

unprepossessing - adj. not overtly impressive; unremarkable; nondescript.

sententious - adj. short and pithy

remonstrate - v. to protest, object

turpitude - n. depravity; baseness. A base act

fastidious - adj. possessing or displaying careful, meticulous attention to detail.

macadamize - v. to cover or pave, as a pathway or roadway, with small broken stone.

fiduciary - adj. involving a confidence or trust

obfuscate - v. to make so confused or opaque as to be difficult to perceive or understand.

juvenescence - n. the state of being youthful or growing young.

aeonian - adj. lasting for an immeasurably long period of time.

preponderance - n. greatness in number, strength, weight, or influence.

Story of the Week - April 7-11

2008-04-11T09:48:00.004-05:00

Waffle Kerfuffle

Here's something I learned this week that I never knew before: chicken and waffles is a popular dish. Very popular, in fact. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, one minute I think, "hm, sounds good," and the next minute I think "no, it's either breakfast, or it's dinner, but you can't mix them." On the other hand I think maybe you can.

Regardless of what I think, this dish previously unbeknownst to me is well beknownst to others and has a rich and diverse history and even mythology behind it. But that's not why it's an essential part of Story of the Week.

The story of the week involves a pair of restaurants that specialize in Chicken and Waffles - Roscoe's House of Chicken n' Waffles in California (actually a chain of restaurants), and Rosscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles in Chicago. Roscoe's sued Rosscoe's for trademark infringement, and won. First though, the curious history of Chicken and Waffles.

The curious history of Chicken and Waffles may have begun in the late 18th century, when Thomas Jefferson brought a waffle iron back to America from Paris. Soon after, chicken and waffles started appearing in southern cookbooks.

But some say the waffle iron was brought over earlier by German and Dutch settlers and to attribute its arrival with Thomas Jefferson is silly. The Pennsylvania Dutch to this day put creamed chicken on waffles and possibly a host of other savory ingredients once found their way onto the indented delights. The traditional Chicken and Waffles dish may also have originated in the south as a luxury meal for newly freed African American slaves, who subsisted mostly on table scraps.

Of course, not everyone agrees on that origin. Many historians aren't certain at all and often go back and forth ascribing to different theories. There is little consensus to be found until the 1930s, when Chicken and Waffles went through a renaissance in Harlem, at the famous Wells Supper Club.

Wells was frequented by the likes of Miles Davis, Sammy Davis, Jr, and Frank Sinatra. The restaurant was famous for staying open late. So late, in fact, that in the wee hours its clientele struggled to decide between breakfast and dinner. Wells didn't want to see its clients risk ordering dinner only to regret not ordering breakfast. Instead (perhaps hearkening back to old southern traditions, and perhaps not, then again perhaps...or not) Wells compromised, slapping down some fried chicken on top of a waffle, and the dish was born again.

In the early 1970s, Herb Hudson took the dish west to Los Angeles and opened up Roscoe's House of Chicken n' Waffles, where it has become a fixture in California's obsession with fast food and fast food oddities.

Which brings us to this week's story.

Roscoe's has thrived in California and grown into a popular chain. I guess there are a lot of indecisive people in California. Then again, maybe chicken and waffles is just that good. Then again...

Anyway, all was well with Roscoe's until recently, when owner Herb Hudson learned of Don Johnson's new restaurant in Chicago, IL. The restaurant is similar to one Johnson owned in Harlem in the 1990's and is called Rosscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles.

Herb Hudson took exception to the new restaurant in Chicago and sued Don Johnson for trademark infringement. Don Johnson can't have been surprised by this move. The names of the two eateries are nearly identical. The extra "s" and proper spelling of "and" aren't fooling anyone. Both restaurants also have the same logo - a cartoon chicken standing in front of a waffle (though one could argue that's the only natural choice). There's also an eerily similar menu (but again, when the name of your restaurant is "Chicken and Waffles" you're kind of pigeonholed) and both restaurants offer "sunrise" and "sunset" drinks (ok that's going too far). A lawsuit was inevitable.

On the other hand, maybe Don Johnson could have felt surprised. That's because when Johnson owned Rosscoe's restaurant in New York for 8 years, Hudson knew about it and did nothing. Hudson says he didn't plan to open any restaurant in New York, so he let it go. But he wants to expand to Chicago, soon in fact. He plans to open a Roscoe's in Chicago within a year. So he's no longer indifferent to there being a Rosscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles in the windy city.

Another reason Hudson might be suing is the hideous response Rosscoe's in Chicago is getting. Customers have been complaining of poor service and long lines, and naturally compare it to the original, more famous Roscoe's in California. No more though, as Don Johnson has agreed to change the name to "Chicago's House of Chicken and Waffles", change the signage and get a new logo and everything.

Hudson isn't done. His attorney is seeking damages.

Said Don Johnson (seemingly the big, big loser here): "I'm as happy as a chicken eating waffles."

Which brings up the most important question of all: just how happy is a chicken eating waffles? On one hand, he's very happy. Waffles are delicious. But, maybe chickens don't like waffles, in which case they wouldn't be very happy eating them. Well maybe chickens think waffles are ok, but they don't affect their moods. On the other hand, how can you tell whether or not a chicken is happy? Then again...

I was surprised to find that someone getting sued for trademark infringement and about to get taken for a substantial sum of money could be happy at all. Maybe he's also happy to have poor service and bad reviews. Or, maybe a chicken eating waffles isn't very happy after all.

Happy or not, the chicken and waffles battle will continue, one-sided as it appears to be. District Judge Samuel Der-Yeghiayan is pleased with the way the case is going so far, and its good to know that all involved understand the most important issue: that "waffle" is both a noun and a verb.

Said the judge at the end of Wednesday's hearing: "I see that both parties understand the issues and facts of life and none of the parties are waffling on the issue."

I couldn't agree more. Well, I could agree more but it doesn't feel necessary. On the other hand, I could disagree. Then again...

Story of the Week - March 31-April 4

2008-04-04T09:06:00.003-05:00

I'm back. Thanks for waiting.

Read about my trip and how it's going to turn into an amazing book: nameourbook.blogspot.com

Time for story of the week, back and better than ever. Or maybe just back.

The Nappy Headed Hos: Where are they Now?

Friday marked the 40th anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. It also marked the one year anniversary (a coincidence few in the news media picked up on a year ago, strangely enough) of the day Don Imus made his infamous racially charged insensitive comments about the Rutgers Women's Basketball team. So what's happened to all the players from the overblown media circus? Let's take a look:

The Rutgers Women: The Lady Scarlett Knights fell short of duplicating or surpassing their '07 success this season. They were eliminated by Connecticut in the Regional Finals. However, the school remains one of the elite teams in Women's Basketball, and they have developed a staunch rivalry with UConn.

Rutgers coach, Vivien Stringer, used the incident to put her team and herself into the national consciousness. She has written a book out called "Standing Tall" that will no doubt be a best seller because she'll be promoting it on Oprah later this week.

Don Imus: Imus is proof of the axiom "no publicity is bad publicity." After about six months of sitting in the corner with his head down, Imus inked a deal with ABC Radio. Imus returned to the air in December of '07 and ABC got an instant and pronounced boost in its ratings. In February his ratings were more than double what they were at the old show, proving that people who listen to ABC's other personalities like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity had plenty of time left to tune in to another narrow minded old white man and don't give a shit about women's basketball (and they probably agreed with Imus' original description of the Rutgers players). The one key difference between the CBS Radio Imus and the ABC Radio Imus is the addition of 2 black cast members. I guess now any further controversy can be avoided because Imus has black friends and he was just kidding around with them or something.

Governor Jon Corzine: the NJ Governor provided a bizarre twist during Imus week a year ago when he was speeding to Princeton to facilitate a meeting between Imus and the Rutgers women. Corzine wasn't wearing a seat belt when his car crashed and broke seemingly every bone in his body. Corzine recovered, apologized, even taped a morbid public service announcement, and has had a much better 2008, especially when compared to either governor of New York.

MSNBC TV and CBS Radio: The network fills its morning time slot now with "Morning Joe", hosted by former Florida congressman Joe Scarborough, who has about as much charisma as a pair of khaki pants, and brings in about half as many viewers as Imus did. WFAN NY, the Imus flagship, replaced the highly rated morning show with Boomer Esiason and newcomer Craig Carlton, and it has fallen far short (just like most of Boomer's passes! Zing!). Both nets are probably wishing the Imus controversy never happened, or at least, never escalated the way it did.

Al Sharpton: The Reverend was outspoken about getting Imus fired, but, as he so often does, failed to continue the conversation and turn the controversy into a constructive discussion about race in America. Maybe that's one reason he's become an afterthought in the first serious African American campaign for the Presidency.

America: As a nation, we might have been better off if everyone had let the Nappy Headed Ho's thing go the way of Imus' dozens of other offensive over-the-top comments. It didn't bring about any intelligent discussions on race and it made Imus richer. In other words: he got away with it.

And all we as Americans have to show for all that trouble is "Standing Tall: The Vivian Stringer Story."

Follow me around the Midwest - figuratively

2008-03-22T22:54:00.005-05:00

I'll be away from The Full Circle for the next 2 weeks, as I am off on a purpose-driven road tour of a substantial portion of the Midwest. The purpose? To go to a variety of sporting events, take lots of pictures, ask lots of questions, then come home and write a book.

In the meantime, you can track my progress, along with my 2 sports-crazed college friends, on our trip blog. Enjoy!

Wednesday Wordplay

2008-03-19T12:37:00.003-05:00

It's time for a veritable truckload of new words before the Full Circle goes on vacation for 2 weeks. Time to dump a bunch of new verbiage on my loyal (and disloyal) readership:

veritable - adj. being truly so called; real or genuine

Saponaceous - adj. having the nature or quality of soap. such as, um, soap. What else is saponaceous other than soap?

Hey, Joey, stop rubbing up against me, whaddya think, I'm saponaceous or something?

That ought to effectively attenuate my readership...

attenuate - v. to make slender, fine or small. to reduce in force, value, amount, or degree; weaken.

Moving on...I wish I could take credit for this, but last week Wordsmith.org chose a week's worth of 14 letter words, then defined each word in exactly 14 letters:

circumbendibus - n. circumlocution

Brobdingnagian - adj. Of gigantic size.

tinctumutation - n. Change of colour. (in this case, the rule only works if you're British)

tintinnabulate -v. To ring; to tinkle.

acritochromacy -n. Color blindness. (didn't need the Brits this time)

I can't take credit. But I'll do them one better. Or, that is, one less.

13 letter words! defined in 13 letters, let's do it!

indefatigable - adj. cannot be tired
jurisprudence - n. science of laws
prevarication -n. an intended lie
efflorescence - n. a flowery state
deuteragonist - n. second billing

10 letters!

speciesism - n. humans rule!
nidifugous - adj. fly away now
honorarium - n. service fee
bowdlerize - v. to bleep out
alimentary - adj. nourishing

Alimentary, my dear Watson. Simply delicious.

Story of the Week - March 10-14

2008-03-16T11:57:00.002-05:00

Do-Over

Florida: We want to have our primary in January.
DNC: No. You can't.
Florida: But we want to.
DNC: Don't.
Florida: We're doing it. We took a vote.
DNC: If you do it, it won't count. And we won't let you come to our party.
Florida: You're bluffing.
DNC: Are we?
Florida: But we really want to have it in January! Nobody will mind, the weather's great here in January.
DNC: Don't do it.
Florida: We're doing it.

Michigan: We want to be HEARD! EARLY!
DNC: You too?
Michigan: yep!
DNC: No. Iowa first, then New Hampshire. You people stay where you are.
Michigan: But we're a swing state and we have a terrible economy, give us some love!
DNC: No dice.
Michigan: But Florida--
DNC: Don't but Florida us, their delegates aren't going to count. And yours won't either.

Michigan: You’re bluffing.

DNC: Sheesh.

Nobody was bluffing, and these states acted retardedly by insisting on earlier primaries. And today they look even retardeder because the Democratic race has gone on for over a month past the original Florida and Michigan dates.

Yes, I know retardedly is not a valid adverb. And that retardeder isn’t a word.

And I know retarded is offensive to some people. It’s just that it’s too good a word to fall into the un-PC category. As Steve Carrell’s character, Michael Scott, says: “You don’t call a retarded person retarded. You call your friends retarded when they act like retards.” Or in this case, you call 2 states retarded when they act like retards.

Ok, back. It’s bad enough that these 2 important states shirked the Democratic National Committee and pig-headedly held meaningless primaries, but now they want a do-over. And in clamoring for the do-over, they once again display their utter retardation.

This is what the president of the Michigan Association of County Clerks has to say:

“It would be a logistical nightmare. First of all, we have the school board elections coming up in May, and then we have to get ready for the local and state elections in August. How are we going to be able to squeeze a presidential primary in the middle of all of that?”

Seriously? This woman is like the registration lady at the beauty pageant at the end of “little Miss Sunshine.” You know, the one who says Olive can’t register because she already turned off the computer? Turn the damn computer back on!

It’s not a logistical nightmare. Pick a day, set up the voting machines the same way you did when you had your stupid fake primaries, invite everyone who’s registered to come vote, and make a choice: Clinton or Obama. Pretend like the first vote never happened, because it shouldn’t have happened. Then, count the votes. Tada!

Because of what’s at stake here, because of the record turnouts of this election, there is no doubt people in these states will want their voices heard and their votes counted. So keep it simple, Florida and Michigan, ok?

Florida: We want a do-over. We want to do it by mail.
DNC: No. Don’t do that.
Florida: Bad idea?
DNC: Do you like being the butt of election jokes?
Florida: We’ve gotten used to it. At least we have sun.
Michigan: Shut up.
DNC: Retards.

Wednesday Wordplay - This week, it's on Thursday!

2008-03-13T12:35:00.010-05:00

Due to daylight savings time, Wednesday Wordplay will be held on Thursday this week.

What, that doesn't make any sense? Well, neither does starting Daylight Savings Time at least 3 weeks before anyone else in the world.

No daylight is being saved, it's just reallocated. Ask anyone who has to leave for work before 7. A week ago, we commuted in daylight. Now, half-darkness. Screw you, Daylight Savings Time.

Ok, for real, Wednesday Wordplay: I'm tired of explaining myself on Facebook every time I use the word "QI" or "XU" in scrabulous. The Scrabble Dictionary says these are words and let's me use them, so stop being bitter that I scored 50 points with it. Now, you can too. And you can tell your opponent what they all mean....here we go.

Qi - n. The vital force believed in Taoism and other Chinese thought to be inherent in all things. It's also spelled "Chi" and "Ki" (that one's usable, too) Ka is an egyptian spiritual entity, believed to live within the body during life and to survive it after death. Ba is another egyptian spiritual entity, an aspect of the soul represented by a bird with a human head.

Let's go alphabetically now (roughly), so as not to confuse.

Aa is a word, and will get a scrabble player out of plenty of rough spots. Aa is rough itself, it's a rough basaltic lava. Ae is also acceptable, the scottish word for "one". Ai is a three-toed sloth, pronouced ah-ee!

Ab is an abdominal muscle, you knew that. Ad is an advertisement. You knew that, too. Ag is agriculture.

Al - n. an indian mulberry tree.

Am, An, As, At - duh. More duhs: Be, By, Do, Go, He, If, In, Is, It, Me, No, Or, Ox, So, To, Up, Us and We.

Ax - a thing you use to cut stuff.

Ay - the letter "A" Ef is the letter "F". There's also Em, En, Ar, Es, and Ex.

Bi is slang for a bisexual. Bo is slang for pal. Other accepted slang or dialectic words : un (one), na (no), et (ate) ya (you). Za is a slang word for pizza (that I've never heard anyone use, why do you have to abbreviate the word Pizza?).

De is the preposition meaning "from" or "of", just like in french or spanish class.

Do. A deer. A female deer. Ok, not really. it's actually a verb. But - Re, Mi, Fa, La, and Ti are all acceptable, too. Li and Si are semi-tones. Loyal reader Eric can explain.

Ed - short for "education"

Fe - the hebrew letter פ. Put a dot inside and it's Pe.

Id - the opposite of ego

Interjections!
Ah! or ahhhhh
Eh...
HA!
Hm?
Mm(mmmmm)
Ow!
Sh(hhh)
Uh
Yo!
Lo (and behold)
Aw...
Er...
Hi! Ho! Oh,
Oi Oy (vey!)
TA
Um....
Ye (an olde-y but a goode-y)

Jo - n. beloved one; darling; sweetheart.

Li - n. a Chinese unit of distance, equivalent to about one-third of a mile

Ma - and her husband Pa.

Mo - short for moment

Mu - is a greek letter, so is nu, pi and xi.

Ne - from the french "nee" meaning born.

Od - n. a hypothetical force formerly held to pervade all nature and to manifest itself in magnetism, mesmerism, chemical action, etc.

Oe is a whirlwind

Om - a mantric word used in meditation.

Op - as in "op-art"

Os - bone

Xu - 1/100th of a Dong

(It's Vietnamese currency, not... get your mind out of the gutter. There's room here for a Lorena Bobbitt joke, but I think I'll steer clear)

Goodnight Everybody!

And that's Wednesday Wordplay, on thursday. Now go win your scrabulous games!

Story of the Week - March 3-7

2008-03-09T11:53:00.006-05:00

Farewell, Ron Paul?

Ron Paul is a stunning waste of paper. At least Mike Huckabee won a caucus. But Ron Paul motivated a substantial number of people to yell and scream wherever they could find a camera and then return to putting up posters and papering cars at train stations.

At times, I have to say, I liked Ron Paul. I liked that he spoke from his heart or mind or something, and didn't sound like a politician. But it seems every time he had my attention, he'd run off the rails the same way Huckabee did. Listen to a Huckabee speech and the mind plays out a progression like this: well, that whole "no more income tax" thing sort of makes sense....hey this guy's kind of funny and charming....and he plays bass guitar....wait what was that he just said about Jesus and the Constitution....what does he mean "I'm a miracle guy, not a math guy"?...All right, Mikey, you lost me, and you need to be kept away from sharp objects.

The same with Ron Paul. I was with him, I was ok with him (and Huckabee for that matter) keeping his campaign going until McCain sewed up the nomination. Then Friday his campaign released this statement:

We acknowledge that Ron will not be the nominee and are winding down the campaign.

Take a minute to go over that in your head. And keep in mind he said this on FRIDAY.

Three days after you were mathematically eliminated from the race, and exactly a month since you last won a delegate, you "acknowledge" you won't be the nominee? Just now, you're getting this? Fine, but then he says his campaign isn't over, it's just winding down. He's leading the Ron Paul revolution. He's still running, for what I'm not sure.

But the fact that he has stuck around so long, and picked up over 100,000 votes on Tuesday, speaks to the way Republicans feel about their nominee, John McCain.

I don't know how this guy won. But I'd say that about any of the Republican candidates. John McCain? he's so old, and boring, and old. And he's about as inspiring as a pair of tube socks. He's been a good senator and I felt bad 8 years ago when he got Rove'd by the Bushies in South Carolina, but 8 years ago John McCain was 64 and this country hadn't endured 8 years of George W. Bush. The last thing we need is another Republican with no imagination who wants to keep us in Iraq for 100 years.

AND STOP TALKING ABOUT RONALD REAGAN!

I'm sick and tired of Ronald Reagan! I hope every time John McCain touts the glory of the "party of Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Ronald Reagan", the democratic nominee points out that it's also the party of Herbert Hoover, Richard Nixon, and George W Bush. Enough with the Ronald Reagan, ok? You're just reminding people that you're old, don't have a clue about the economy, and are completely out of touch. Without the disarming "aw dad" sense of humor.

I wish they Republicans would nominate Ron Paul, a total crackpot with lots of posters and crazy ideas. This way I wouldn't feel so bad about the ongoing slugfest on the Democrat side. Kiss and make up, Dems, one of you has to go beat the old man.

Which leads me to my last point - this primary process needs fixing in a hurry, before Puerto Rico and a handful of semi-influential congressmen decide the Democratic race. Let's have a national primary. No more caucus crap, no more marathon campaigning, no more 20 debates, no more state-by-state pandering week after week.

Now that Ohio's done with, you won't hear a word about NAFTA until the general election. Texas is over, so no more talk about immigration. It's Mississippi now, so they'll talk about Katrina. Then it's on to Pennsylvania, where they'll talk about, I don't know, Cheesesteak reform? Enough. 1 day, 1 election, for all the marbles.

Take up that cause, Ron Paul, and get me a staple gun, and I'll join your revolution.

Wednesday Wordplay

2008-03-05T10:49:00.005-05:00

Good thing there's only 1 primary on Tuesday, April 22. We're running out of good titles for Tuesdays with multiple primary elections.

Anyway, this week's Wednesday wordplay isn't about election titles (Super Tuesday 2? Super-Duper Tuesday? Texas Tuesday, and also 3 other states that don't start with T?), but it's similar.

Ok, in 1992, the New York Mets spent a pile of money in the off season, bringing in Pirates' star slugger Bobby Bonilla, along with Pitcher Bret Saberhagen, Future hall-of-famer Eddie Murray, and a new manager, Jeff Torborg. The Mets marketing team went with the slogan "Hardball is Back", which turned out to mean "This time we'll suck for more money." The team finished 72-90, good for 5th place in the NL East. In 1993, their slogan should have been "the worst team money could buy" as they went 59-103.

Fast forward, it's 2005, Mets new GM Omar Minaya signs Carlos Beltran and Pedro Martinez and hires new manager Willie Randolph, generating all kinds of optimism in the marketing department. In '05, they're the "New Mets". In '06, it's "The Team. The Time." All season long, "the team, the time, the ticket", "the team, the time, the t-shirt" on and on and on, and what did it mean?

The Team. The Time. The heartbreaking Game 7 loss in the NLCS.

The Marketers regroup. Mets 2007: "Your Season Has Come." These marketing guys should be forced to turn around and spit or something after they come up with their slogans from now on.
Finally, in 2008, the marketers get a break. No slogan this year, it's the last year of Shea Stadium, the slogan is self-evident. And there's no chance that the slogan won't come true.

For me, it means I can make fun of other teams' stupid slogans because my team doesn't have one. Here they are, along with what they really mean:

Toronto Blue Jays
What they say: It's always game time
What it means: Yeah sure, whenever you can get here, eh?

Atlanta Braves
What they say: Welcome to the bigs.
What it means: In case you didn't notice, we play Major League Baseball here and we won 14 straight division titles, what is wrong with you people? Come to our games!

Chicago Cubs
What they say: NL Central Champs 2007
What it means: Still haven't been to the World Series since 1945, and it's been 100 years since we won it.

Seattle Mariners
What they say: MOJO Risin'
What it means: We're good again!

Florida Marlins
What they say: You gotta be here!
What it means: PLEASE! PLEASE! YOU HAVE TO COME! PLEASE!!

Washington Nationals
What they say: Pledge Your Allegiance
What it means: It's a pun. because, Washington DC is the capital of America, and you say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag...of America, like so then you say it to the team, you pledge allegiance to a team like when you go to games and root for them and wear their hats, so pledge allegiance and Pledge of Allegiance, see? yeah, it's good.

Baltimore Orioles
What they say: This is Birdland
What it means: We got this slogan in a trade we made with the Blue Jays and Peter Angelos is forcing us to use it even though it sucks.

We used to have Cal Ripken, Jr. Our stadium is still really nice.

Texas Rangers
What they say: You could use some baseball
What it means: Meh, it's a baseball team.

Cincinnati Reds
What they say: "C" you there!
What it means: Get it? Cause Cincinnati starts with C!

Colorado Rockies
What they say: 2007 National League Champions
What it means: We finally got something to put next to that "1995 NL Wild Card Winner" banner.

Kansas City Royals
What they say: New. Blue. Tradition
What it means: As opposed to the old blue tradition of winning.

Detroit Tigers
What they say: Who's your tiger?
What it means: We're grrrrrrrrreat!

Minnesota Twins
What they say: This is your state. This is your team.
What it means: Hence - Minnesota. Twins.

Story of the Week - Feb 25-29

2008-02-29T14:20:00.007-05:00

It's Leap Day! Buy Stuff!

Here are 29 great discounts, deals, traditions, and facts about the 29th Day of February:

Boston Market gave Leap Day Babies a free lunch today, up to a $10 value.

29 Approximately 4 million people in the World celebrate their birthday today, and then go back to celebrating on March 1 or February 28 for 3 years.

28 Papa John's is giving Leap Day Babies a free pan pizza today

27 Free lunch at Boston Market for Leap Day Babies. Exploit that ID that says you were born today and get that chicken!

26 The Saginaw Spirit of the Ontario Hockey League is hosting Leap Day Night, sponsored by the AARP.

25 Get a $49-a-night Leap Day special at Bay Inn in Petoskey, Michigan! $49! You know, cause 29 plus 20 is 49, so it makes total sense.

24 If you happen to be in Avondale, Arizona, you can head on over to Leap's Coffee Shop, which, appropriately, celebrated Leap Day all February long, giving away free ice cream and custard to Leap Day babies and their families.

23 Leap Day Babies get in free to see the Long Beach State baseball team battle Wichita State. That's a $12 value!

22 The Eureka Opera House in Eureka, NV is having a Leap Day Concert. How do you celebrate Leap Day through music? Well, you bring in Juni Fisher and Cowboy Entertainer Dave Stamey. yeehaw! Nothing says "Leap Day" like country western in an opera house.

21 You're probably wondering, how many Leap Day babies are there in the United States? Well, there are about 200,000.

20 My loyal reader in High Point, NC can go to the Leap Year Happiness Weekend at the JH Adams Inn on North Main Street.

19 Some guy in Rhode Island wants you to go to his Leap Day party:
Two of my friends, who are also Leap Day Babies, and I, are planning a
huge Birthday Party for our Birthday Leap Year Day 2008. It should be a really good time. You can email me
at lbell80229@aim.com.

18 Get free admission to The Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago for Leap Day.

17 Morton's Steakhouse is giving a free steak and seafood dinner to all leapling's with proper ID.

16 McDonald's is offering a free McSkillet Burrito with the purchase of a medium or large beverage during breakfast hours. Not sure if that's a Leap Day promotion or they just can't think of any other way to get you to eat that crap.

15 The year 2100 will be the next time there will be a Presidential election, but not a leap year. Why? A leap year must be divisible by 400, and 2100 is not. 1900 also was not a Leap Year, but who could forget the riveting race to the White House between William McKinley and the electrifying William Jennings Bryan?

14 Some suggest celebrating Leap Day by "leaping back in time" and playing an old childhood game.

13 JaRule has a birthday today. So does Antonio Sabato, Jr and the late Dinah Shore-a.

12 Julius Caesar first created Leap Year in 46 BCE so that the calendar would match the solar year.

11 On Leap Day 1952, the first Walk/Don't Walk signs were installed in New York City.

10 Shedd aquarium in Chicago is using Leap Day to jumpstart its "Year of the Frog" campaign with two for one tickets.

9 Pope Paul III was born on February 29, 1468.

8 A deal that makes sense! Expedia is offering 29% off travel deals! Good job, use the date to fit the promotion!

7 It's customary that on the Leap Day, it is acceptable for women to propose marriage to men.

6 Can't have a birthday without a Cake! Whole Foods in Mt. Pleasant, SC is offering a free six inch birthday cake to anyone born on the 29th of February.

5 The odds of being born on February 29th are 1 in 1,461. A bit of a faulty statistic, since the odds of you being born are zero unless you are conceived 7-9 months before February of a Leap Year. But assuming you have an equal chance at being born on any day in a span of 4 years, those are the odds.

4 Here's a good thing - Martha Stewart packed the audience of her Leap Day show exclusively with people born on Leap Day.

3 The website www.leapyearday.com is run by the Honor Society of Leap Year Day Babies. The Society is the leading advocate (or it must be) for getting "Leap Day" on to the calendar officially. It also pushes software companies to recognize February 29th as a valid date of birth. Many leaplings run into issues with online registrations, for example, that don't recognize their birthdays.

2 The 6th Quadrennial World Wide Leap Year Festival takes place in the town of Anthony, NM/TX (yep, that's right, it's a town in 2 states, and it says it is the "Leap Day Capital of the World", um, because they have more Leap Years than any other place on earth?) over 5 days of course centered on the 29th. This is from the event website:

"birthday folks can spend some time preparing signs boasting
their age in Leap Years, to use in the parade. Since Leap Year Day falls on Friday
this year the parade will be held after school, about 3:00 p.m.

We encourage all Leap Year babies and Leap Year anniversary couples to join
the parade. A variety of vehicles will be provided for those who do not have their
own or, if you prefer to walk the parade route is about a one and a half (1 1/2)
mile trek.

The day will be completed with a birthday dinner, cake and entertainment."

But the undisputed number 1 deal on this Leap Day comes from Domino's Pizza:

This Leap Day, to promote its new "BRKLYN Pizza", Domino's is giving $1,000 in Free Pizza Coupons to the first Leap Day Baby born today and named "Brooklyn."

That's right, new parents of the world, if you have a child today, and name him/her "Brooklyn" (any spelling accepted) you MIGHT win $1,000 worth of free pizza. Plus the chance to have a very strange conversation one day with said child.

Oh yeah, I said "might." Because if someone ELSE does it first, you only get one free BRKLYN pizza, and will have even more explaining to do.

Of course, says Domino's, you could just buy a BRKLYN pizza for $9.99 and find a better reason to give your child a strange name.

Happy Leap Day Everyone. Savor it, because there won't be another one for 4 whole years.

Except maybe in Anthony, NM/TX.

Playing with Vocabulary in the Middle of the Week

2008-02-27T13:40:00.003-05:00

I'm sick of alliteration. So there will be no alliteration in this, an anti-alliteration Wednesday Wordplay.

Crap.

Starting NOW.

this week's list of words, from both Dictionary.com and the Big Word of the Day Calendar from Avalanche Publishing as a group make me think of Don Quixote, beginning with Quixotic, which of course takes its origin from the Cervantes character.

The Quixotic hero Quixote lived his life in a state of pure imbroglio, thinking of himself with aplomb, riding his donkey, charging at nettlesome windmills.

And all the time, the villagers saw Quixote in a completely different way, as he charged temerariously at inanimate objects, irrupting lissome, pastoral scenes, leaving confusion in his wake.

One day, Quixote thought he spotted an enemy combatant, which of course was an innocent church, with a simple bell tower. Quixote, sword drawn, gleaming in the refulgent midday sun, readied himself for the charge as the clock struck twelve, and the camponologist in the belfry rang a paean across the countryside. Quixote charged! Summoning all his puissance and aiming the sword at the church gate, meeting his enemy head on and falling splat! Alas...

A fate the quixotic Quixote could not avoid, what alliterative agony...

The Words!

quixotic - adj. caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; foolishly impractical especially in the pursuit of ideals. Capricious; unpredictable (One of English's greatest words)

imbroglio - n. a complicated and embarassing state of things. A confused or complicated disagreement or misunderstanding.

aplomb - n. Assurance of manner or of action; self-possession; confidence; coolness.

nettlesome - adj. Causing irritation, vexation, or distress.

temerarious - adj. Recklessly or presumptuously daring; rash.

lissome - adj. Light and quick in action; nimble; agile; active.

refulgent - adj. shining brightly; radiant; brilliant; resplendent

camponology - n. the art or skill of ringing bells to make music.

paean - n. a joyous song of praise, triumph, or thanksgiving. An expression of praise or joy.

puissance - n. power; might

Story of the Week - Feb 18-22

2008-02-22T10:37:00.005-05:00

Schadenfreude, with Gary Coleman

This is the strangest story I have ever read. Join me, as I try to wrap my head around it.

Gary Coleman told "The Insider" that even though he got married in August... Gary Coleman got married? BUT, He hasn't yet consummated the relationship with his wife. He got married but he hasn't had sex in six months. Six months! Why bother getting married? He says "It will happen when it happens." Six months! Gary Coleman? I can't believe Gary Coleman got married but can you believe that? He hasn't had sex with his wife? Maybe it's a height thing...ok keep reading

He and his wife, Shannon Price, both say that they fight so much that she has feared for her safety. Stop. So they get married but don't have sex because he's too busy beating the crap out of her, I see, so she's too scared to do it with him, fair enough but then why did she marry him? I mean she married the guy and right away he starts beating her, maybe just maybe she should have seen it coming. Then again, this is Gary Coleman we're talking about. Ok maybe she didn't see it coming but it's Gary Coleman, WHAT DID YOU SEE IN GARY COLEMAN?

"i'm used to it" says Price. Used to what? Fighting? fearing for your own safety? this thing is seriously messed up. Oh look at this, Coleman got a citation for a domestic dispute after the police were called in... this is a marriage made in heaven.

Actually it's a marriage made in Nevada, on a mountaintop and Shannon Price is 22. 22!!??? But they've been keeping the vows secret, probably because she's embarrassed, did she marry him for his money? How the f*ck does Gary Coleman land a 22 year old? and then he'd rather beat her than nail her?

The couple met on the set of the 2006 comedy "Church Ball" I don't remember that movie, gotta IMDB it, back in a flash (you don't care how soon I come back, anyway...) Right, "Church Ball" is about a team of misfit, unathletic basketball players playing for a priest who's pressured to win the church ball championship before the league falls, and Gary Coleman is one of the basketball players. Right. And Shannon Price isn't listed in the credits or anywhere on IMDB. On with the story...

Price says it was she who proposed to Coleman.

...

.........

..................

WHA??????????????????????

I have no words for this. That's nuts! SHE proposed to HIM? You're Gary Coleman! A 22 year old is throwing herself at you, asking to be your wife, and you're fighting with her! I shudder to think people like this even exist, what the hell is wrong with these two? Gary surprised Shannon on her birthday and whisked her away to Valley of Fire State Park to exchange wedding vows. That was six months ago, and no sex yet, just fighting, can't forget that.

And he convinced her to keep it a secret (or maybe she convinced him) because she wanted to keep being seen as her own person. Ahh, think you blew that one when you proposed to Gary Coleman.

Of the age difference, Coleman said "I don't have issues with age, I have issues with intelligence...she's more intelligent than I am" um, that would make you pretty effin' stupid because she's 22, she proposed to you and is staying with you even though she fears for her own safety this whole thing is so screwed up OF COURSE it's happening to Gary Coleman. Oh yeah I'm glad I've made it this far without a--nope, not gonna do it. Someone'll leave it in the comments, inevitably.

The 5'7" Price commented on the height difference. Gary Coleman is 4'8". "That doesn't really matter to me," she said. "He was 10 feet tall to me because he was sweet (but now you fear for your safety) and I really liked his personality." Until you fought so much that you refused to have sex with him and somehow he doesn't mind but oh yeah something's wrong with this relationship because you fear for your safety, but you're used to that? This story makes my head spin,

yet still manages to be hilarious.

It's...
Schadenfreude!
Makin' the world a better place....
to beeeeeeeeee
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!

source: AP

Wednesday Wordplay - President's Week Edition

2008-02-20T13:10:00.003-05:00

Washingtonian - adj. living in or coming from Washington, D.C., or the state of Washington.

ADAMS - stands for Agencywide Documents Access and Management System. It's a system commonly used by organizations, schools and universities.

patronym - a name derived from a father or ancestor; a surname or family name
for example - Jefferson, Jackson, Harrison, Johnson, Wilson. 7 presidents have patronymic last names. 2 presidents fathered presidents.

madison - n.a dance in which the participants stand side by side in a line while one person, acting as leader, calls out various steps, each letter of the word “Madison” signaling a specific step. Madison is not a patronymic last name. It is, however, a metronymic last name (derived from a female ancestor)

monroe can be rearranged to form the word "mooner"

John Quincy Adams' middle name comes from the latin for five, but he was the sixth President.

nerub nav nitram is Martin Van Buren backwards.

Some presidents have occupational last names - like Tyler (tiler) or Taylor (tailor)

Taylor was not a tailor before he was President, though.

Filmore comes from the german for "very famous", but he was not very famous. And he's even less famous today.

rearrange the letters in "Pierce" and you get "recipe"

Don't know what Buchanan was thinkin'
So bad, he must have been drinkin'
He offered no lead
The south did secede
What a mess for next president, Lincoln.

grant - v. to bestow or to confer.

rutherford - n. A unit expressing the rate of decay of radioactive material, equal to one million disintegrations per second. After Ernest Rutherford, not Rutherford B Hayes.

James Garfield - elf jam is red, G.

CAA - Chester Allan Arthur
also Colonial Athletic Association, Creative Artists Agency, Canadian Automobile Association, Civil Aeronautics Administration, Chiropractics Association of Australia, Chicken Anemia Agent, Corsican American Association, and the Centre d’Acheminement des Abonnés.

all of those are real.

Grover is a furry blue monster. Cleveland is a city. Grover Cleveland was the 22nd and 24th president. Grover Cleveland Alexander was a pitcher from Nebraska. The capital of Nebraska is Lincoln, after the 16th President.

William McKinley was assassinated. The word assassin comes from a fanatical Ismaili Muslim sect of the time of the Crusades, under leadership of the "Old Man of the Mountains". Mt McKinley is the tallest mountain in North America.

An "arctophile" is a person who collects teddy bears. Not a person who loves Teddy Roosevelt.

Taft was FATT.

4 Presidents have alliterative names, each with different letters, all of them consonants. Can you name these alliterated Amercians? *

Words you can make with the consonants "FDR" in that order and any combination of vowels:
feeder
fader
fedora

Harry Truman....
Doris Day
Red China
Johnny Ray
South Pacific
Walter Winchell
Joe DiMaggio
Joe McCarthy
Richard Nixon

JFK Blown away what else do I have to say?

Words that rhyme with Carter: barter, charter, darter, farter, garter, larter (as in Heroes' Ali), martyr, parter, quarter (nope, never mind), starter, tarter.

Rearrange the letters in darter and get "RETARD" rearrange "farter" and get "RAFTER" rearrange "starter" and get "RESTART"

I heard this on NPR: George Herbert Walker Bush's nickname in the navy was "George Herbert Walker Bush."

His son is a darter.

...and Bill Clinton plays the Sax.

daa dum da daa dum da dum da dum da daa dum.

*Calvin Coolidge, Herbert Hoover, Ronald Reagan, Woodrow Wilson

Wednesday Wordplay

2008-02-13T12:48:00.011-05:00

This week's Wednesday wordplay is written in boustrophedon.
ni gnitirw fo dohtem tneicna na si nodehportsuoB .kcul dooG
which lines are written alternately from left to right and from
morf radnelac sdrow gib eht knaht nac uoY .tfel ot thgir
Avalanche publishing for this. Instead of a day-appropriate
maharbA fo yadhtrib ht991 eht ot detaler spahrep drow
Lincoln, the word of the day on February 12th was
ecno tub,siht gnidear elbuort evah yam uoY .nodehportsuob
you get used to it your eyes and neck are actually doing 50%
.cinicip on si nodehportsuob ni gnitirw yaw eht yB .krow ssel
I'll be keeping this short.

Here are four fun words from the past week. I learned that
dna paehc a ni desserd eb d'I ,flesym nezideb ot erew I fi
showy manner. It's unlikely I'll bedizen myself. I'm not that
.ecnaraeppa ym htiw ("luftsaob" snaem taht) lacinosarht
Animals that live in trees tend to find fruit copacetic. And
suorovigurf a hctac t'now uoY .suorovigurf meht sekam taht
frugivorous animal bedizening itself. That would make him a
htiw yllaicepsE .yas ot drah oot si taht dna ,erovigurf lagurf
a mouthful of berries.

Copacetic - adj. very satisfactory. And that (mercifully) ends
.yalpdroW yadsendeW fo noitide nodehportsuob siht

Story of the Week - Feb 4-8

2008-02-08T14:14:00.000-05:00

The Candy Factory

In the 1920s, two brothers returned from business college in Vienna to their hometown of Cieszyn on the border of Poland and Czecheslovakia and started a cookie making company in a basement. Soon after, the cookie making company blossomed into a thriving little chocolate factory that employed 500 people and made candy around the clock.

The family and the factory survive to this day. The family wound up in Cleveland, by way of the ghetto and concentration camp. The factory, , was confiscated by the Third Reich like all Jewish-owned businesses in Poland, then nationalized by the communist government of Poland, and later sold to its current owner, Kraft Foods.

The family would like its factory back.

Cieszyn is a large town about 100 miles southwest of Krakow, 200 miles north of Vienna and 300 miles west of Prague, on the Polish border with the Czech Republic and near the Polish and Czech border with Slovakia. It is and has for centuries been a crossroads town with a diverse population. Historically, Cieszyn was a tolerant and independent community made up of merchants and craftsmen.

In the Middle Ages, Cieszyn was a geographically ideal location for Jewish settlers. Jews were allowed to practice business freely and the proximity of Cieszyn to a variety of trade opportunities made that business lucrative. And so a Jewish community grew.

By the late 19th century, Jews made up 10 percent of the town's population. The rest of the population of Ciezsyn was a vibrant mix of Catholics, Protestants, Hungarians, Austrians, Czechs, and Germans. From about 1890 up to the outbreak of the First World War, Jews enjoyed political stability and security and economic prosperity in Cieszyn.

After World War I, political stability wavered as Ciezsyn was divided by the new border of Poland and Czechoslovakia. At the same time, the Schramek brothers returned from college in Vienna and started a cookie-making venture in a basement on the Polish side. They built up a factory and expanded into chocolate making. Even after one of the brothers died in 1932 and the future of Ciezsyn and Poland itself became uncertain, the factory continued to grow, and the 12 year old Hans Schramek envisioned one day inheriting the factory.

By 1939, the Schramek's candy factory had 500 employees. The town of Cieszyn had been reunited and had a Jewish population of about 3,000, still about 10 percent of the town. Hans Schramek was 19 years old when Germany invaded, and chose to remain behind in Cieszyn even as some family members fled the Nazi occupied country. The Third Reich issued its restrictions on Jews swiftly, and soon all Jewish businesses in Cieszyn, including the chocolate factory, were confiscated by the Nazis. The factory was sold to a German official at a steep discount.

Hans was forced to live in a ghetto and then shipped to various concentration camps, but managed to survive. After the war he attempted to reclaim his family's chocolate factory. But a lack of documentation and the rise of a new communist government in Poland made the reclamation impossible. In 1948, the candy factory was nationalized by the Polish government and the Schramek's appeal to a Polish high court was denied. In 1950, Hans Schramek and his mother left Europe and immigrated to Cleveland, OH.

Under Polish governmental control, the factory introduced the Prince Polo Bar, which was widely popular in the Eastern Bloc and even became the first widely available chocolate bar in Iceland. After the communist regime fell, Poland began to privatize its nationalized businesses, and in 1993 it sold the Schramek's factory to Kraft Foods, then a division of Phillip Morris.

The Schramek's have been fighting for their candy factory for over 50 years. They believe it was stolen from their family and should be returned. Kraft says it bought the factory in good faith and that the Polish Government has upheld the legitimacy of the sale, which is true.

But the situation brings up a moral responsibility debate that has been ongoing since the end of World War II: what can and or should be done to restore Jewish property stolen by the Third Reich?

According to the German government, a lot can and should and has been done. Germany has spent hundreds of billions of dollars satisfying Jewish claims of lost property from the Nazi regime. Since 1951, the Conference on Jewish Material Claims Against Germany (based in New York) has negotiated restitution for Holocaust victims on everything from real estate to artwork and family heirlooms. Forced labor compensation has also been addressed, though records in that area are sketchier and reparations are harder to calculate.

While Germany has provided retribution to surviving Jews worldwide for the atrocities of its recent past, the Polish government has done nothing. No legislation exists and therefore no legal precedent exists within the country to provide restitution to Jews, even in the case of the Schramek's chocolate factory, in which the claim to the property is relatively strong. Polish courts have ruled consistently against the claims of the Schramek family. As Hans Schramek told his daughter-in-law after Kraft bought the factory: "That factory belongs to us! No one ever compensated us for it! I am the legal heir to that business. I should have received millions of dollars for it!"

What is the United States doing to help the Schramek's and others like them? In short, a lot. The U.S. Government and various agencies, including the State Department's Office of Holocaust Issues, has put pressure on eastern European governments like Poland's to restore stolen property to its rightful Jewish owners. Thursday, the House Financial Services Committee heard testimony for the Holocaust Insurance Accountability Act of 2007. The act would provide accountability for thousands of bank accounts, insurance policies, and real estate claims that have gone uncompensated.

In 2008, the issue is increasingly more urgent and necessary. Holocaust survivors are aging and decreasing in number. Testimony to congress in October 2007 showed that as many of 1/4 of the remaining survivors are living in poverty. So if there is money or property in Eastern Europe that could benefit them, they should get it. Even if it's 50 years too late. Even if there really isn't enough money in the world to bring justice for the atrocities they experienced.

The Schramek's claim to the chocolate factory in Cieszyn can be rectified without government intervention. Kraft Foods is a large multinational corporation. The factory in Cieszyn, with its 250 employees represents only a small piece of that corporation. So it would not cost Kraft that much. in the grand scheme of things, to return the factory to its rightful owner. Kraft could see it this way, too - in time, legislation could obligate them to hand over millions of dollars in revenue to the Schramek family from years of selling the Eastern bloc's most popular candy bar.

It's about doing the right thing. And if it gets the factory back, the Schrameks should do the right thing, too. And it should allow the Foundation for the Preservation of Jewish Heritage in Poland to use the factory as a reminder of the once vibrant community of Jews in the town of Cieszyn and perhaps a sign of a possible return. After all, the benefits and reparations provided by the German government to Jews has caused the Jewish community in Germany to grow and prosper again. Under the right circumstances, the same thing can happen in Poland. Especially in a town like Cieszyn, with its proud history of diversity and multiculturalism.

Hans Schramek died in 2006, at the age of 86. Now it is up to his family to champion the cause of his father and uncle's chocolate factory. Before he died, he got to taste a Prince Polo Bar, as made by Kraft. He quipped "They probably still use our recipes."

Further reading:
Holocaust Retribution Sought for Kraft Plant - by Greg Burns, Chicago Tribune 2/7/08
The Holocaust Insurance Accountability Act of 2007
Conference on Jewish Material Claims Against Germany
Foundation for the Preservation of Jewish Heritage in Poland
Cieszyn web site - includes detailed history of the Jews in Cieszyn
http://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/book_excerpt.asp?bookid=10881

Ya, L.P. Drow, Ya. Send E.W.

2008-02-06T11:04:00.000-05:00

Beware, Bostonians, the Giants fanfaronade rolls on!

And it's Babe Ruth's birthday today. Too bad you people have won 2 World Series now and can't skulk about Babe Ruth anymore. I think Tom Brady just got sacked again, though.

The name of the football team that won the league championship game this year, combined with the name of the league championship game itself made it too easy for the headline writers this year. Here's some they could have used without employing the words "giant" or "super":

18-1. Simple as that. And 14-6 just wouldn't look right.

Patriot Putsch

A Brobdingnagian Achievement. (too magniloquent?)

This is an entirely tautological exercise. I think I'll stop. More words:

Galumphing - v. to be moving in a boisterous or clumsy way

Solferino - adj. of a red color tinged with purple

Diurnation - n. The habit of sleeping or being dormant during the day.

And the words I used before:
fanfaronade - n. bragging or blustering manner or behavior

putsch - n. A sudden attempt by a group to overthrow a government.

brobdingnagian - adj. of huge size; gigantic; enormous

magniloquent - adj. Lofty or grandiose in speech or expression; using a high-flown style of discourse; bombastic.

tautological - adj. needlessly repeating the same idea by using different words

Three words I can't spell correctly to save my life:

terrific - 2 Rs, 1 F, why is it so hard?

exercise - just sounds like there should be a C after the X. Like in "except"

receive - yeah I know, I before E except after C, but up yours the C sounds like an S and that rule is stupid.

and that's .W.E dneS .aY ,worD .P.L ,aY

**as always, thanks to wordsmith.org, dictionary.com, and The Big Word a Day Calendar from Avalanche Publishing

Story of the Week - Jan 28-Feb 1

2008-02-01T14:14:00.000-05:00

So sue me, I waited until Monday morning to write this.

Super Weekend

It's going to be hard for me to forget my 25th Birthday and the weekend that followed. Almost all of it is sports related, but so what?

On Friday, the Mets bought me a $150 million birthday present, securing the services of "the best pitcher on the planet" (there are aparently better players on other planets, but the Mets are yet to set up an intergalactic scouting unit, so we're not sure.), Johan Santana. Instantly, the sports world says the Mets are the best team in the National League. I hope so.

Saturday, the Syracuse Orangemen (that's what they were called on my ticket, so I'm going with it) played an inspired game in Philadelphia against the Villanova Wildcats. After falling behind early, the Orangemen put together an 18-2 run and never relinquished. They kept 'Nova's offense off balance most of the game and were dominant on the defensive glass. And they did it all with just 7 players, as they'll have to do the rest of the season. The best part of the experience for me was a late basket that put Syracuse up by 16 and sent the majority of the crowd to the exits. It was such a good experience, I'll even spare the "philadelphia sucks" rant.

And then, there was Sunday. I'll keep it short, enough has been and will be written about Super Bowl XLII. But I'll just say this: The day the Mets finished their "historic collapse" (as it's come to be known) the Giants sacked the Eagle's Donovan McNabb a few hundred times en route to their second win. They were 2-2, and I was convinced they were at best an 8-8 team. I, like many other fans of the Giants, wanted Tom Coughlin out. Even after 6 straight wins, I was sure I was looking at an early exit from the playoffs and a long winter wait until Spring Training.
Then, they turned into a team I think I always thought they could be, but never thought they would be. And 6 weeks or so later, they do this:

Wednesday Wordplay

2008-01-30T14:32:00.000-05:00

You know when somebody uses a word, and you have no earthly idea what it means, but you don't want the person who used the word to know you don't know what it means, so you just nod and smile as if you do know what the word means?

That's what I saw on TV Thursday morning (yeah, deal with it, it's still Wednesday Wordplay because of the alliteration. That and I wrote the title on Wednesday so the dateline would hold) when CNN's John Roberts used the word "peripatetic" and Kieran Chetry smiled and nodded as if she knew what it meant, but the body language said she didn't know what it meant and she was trying as hard as she could to act like she did.

Don't let this happen to you the next time you hear the word "peripatetic"

peripatetic - adj. walking or traveling about; itinerant.

It also means "of or pertaining to aristotle" and came to mean walking around or traveling about because Aristotle used to walk around while he taught philosophy at the Lyceum in ancient Athens. John Roberts used the word to describe Arnold Schwarzenegger, referring to the way the governator crisscrosses California and is difficult to pin down. Good work, Mr. Roberts. Building vocabulary is a salubrious activity.

salubrious - adj. favorable to health or well-being.

Here's some more:

dissimulate - v. to disguise under a feigned appearance; to conceal one's true feelings.

canorous adj. Richly melodious; pleasant sounding; musical. As in come here the Canorous tones of my younger brother Thursday night at 169 Bar, 169 E Broadway at 7:30pm.

cingular - adj. 1. Of or pertaining to a cingulum, an anatomical band or girdle on an
animal or plant. 2. Encircling, girdling, surrounding. (nothing to do with a cell phone)

Ok, the term "quarterlife crisis" has to go. Stop telling me my quarter life crisis starts Friday. First of all, it assumes I make it to 100, and go no further. If I go for 104, then my quarter life crisis starts next year. If I live 90 years, then tomorrow's my five eighteenths life crisis, and my quarter life crisis came when I was 22 and a half (which is probably when it happened.) Secondly, it's a stupid idea. Crisis - bah! I've got plenty of time left to have a major freak out, who says it has to be now? Freaking out over birthdays is a silly idea anyway, because it's not like you can stop them from happening.

Nolens volens, I hit the quarter century mark on Friday. Whether it's the quarter life mark remains to be seen.

Nolens volens - Whether unwilling or willing.

Story of the Week -- Jan. 21-25

2008-01-25T08:53:00.000-05:00

A pair of loyal readers have birthdays today, and I think that deserves special mention here in The Full Circle, so Happy Birthday Mom! and Happy Birthday Sam!

Somebody Listened!
Last week I wrote out a laundry list of things that I felt needed to stop. And you know what? Somebody listened!

Yes, it happened, Congressman Dennis Kucinich has stopped running for president. But that's not the best part. The best part is WHY this disillusioned little man stopped running for president.

He has to run for congress. And by run, I don't mean make a few commercials, put up a few signs, win by 80 percent of the vote the way many incumbent congressmen run. No, Dennis Kucinich has to start RUNNING for congress in the Ohio 10th congressional district right now, or he won't have a chance to wipe the floor with the Republican party's feeble excuse for a challenger.

That's because he has not one, not two, not three, not four....oh yes, it is four...FOUR Cleveland-area democrats challenging Mr. Kucinich for the nomination to be the Democratic candidate for the seat he's held in congress for 12 years. And that may be more embarassing than his two presidential campaigns.

Let's meet the challengers, shall we?

Joe Cimperman appears to be the most likely alternative to Kucinich. He's a Cleveland city councilman who campaigned on behalf of Kucinich in 2006 when Kucinich promised him that he wouldn't run for president again. When Kucinich broke that promise, Cimperman broke his, and is portraying himself as a candidate with local interests in mind. He says "my money comes from Cleveland, not from California."

Rosemary Palmer also campainged for Kucinich in 2006, but now says: "I entered this race in June because I did not feel he was focused on the job, nor able to effect the change we so desperately need. On issues of job creation, health care, the environment, and the Iraq war, Mr. Kucinich often talks a good game but seldom delivers," she said in a prepared statement.
Palmer has been a newspaper editor, an ESL specialist, and now an anti-war activist who lost a son in Iraq in 2005.

Thomas O'Grady is the mayor of North Olmstead, OH. He doesn't have a problem with Kucinich, but he too is hoping he'll turn his attention back to the Ohio 10th. He entered the race to ensure the anti-Kucinich vote wouldn't be split among 2 people, causing Kucinich to win. He doesn't seem to have much conviction of his own, though.

Barbara Ferris says about Kucinich "He was unable to achieve anything running for president; he was unable to achieve in 11 years in Congress," Ferris ran against Kucinich in 2006 and was clobbered. She's a former Peace Corps and UN worker.

Here's the fun of this race: this district is blue as can be, so it's likely whomever wins the nomination will win the seat. So there probably wasn't any pressure from the Democratic party for Kucinich to stop with the presidential nonsense and get his butt back to Ohio. Dennis Kucinich is fighting for the one thing he has left in terms of a political career, and yet he still kept up the presidential campaign beyond when he originally said he would. Instead of focusing on his endangered congressional seat, he fought to get into debates with Clinton, Obama and Edwards in Nevada and Michigan, and he kept campaigning. Then he announced he was quitting the day before a primary.

Good timing dummy. If (god forbid) I lived in Cleveland, I'd definitely vote for one of the other guys.

Wednesday Wordplay: Because Wednesday starts with "W", and so does Wordplay

2008-01-23T12:55:00.000-05:00

Edition 2 of Wednesday Wordplay - here's some words that hit me this week:

I'm fishing for a need for a word like "piscatorial," but nothing's biting. Maybe I could do something piscatorial in piscataway, like throw salmon at Rutgers students. Can you be arrested for piscatorial misconduct in piscataway?

The word "piscataway" is lenni lenape for "great deer river," so Piscataway is both piscatorial and cervine. Got that?

Piscatorial - adj. of or relating to fishing or fish.
Cervine - adj. of or relating to deer.

Here's some other fun words:

adventitious - adj. Added extrinsically; not essentially inherent. (like an unsightly, out-of-place edition added onto an architectual marvel)

Symptomatology - n. the study of relationships between symptoms and diseases.

Effusive - Excessively demonstrative; giving or involving extravagant or excessive emotional expression; gushing

which brings me to something I think is excessively demonstrative in our lexicon - the use of the suffix -gate added onto a word to indicate a scandal. Monicagate, papergate, spygate, gonzo-gate...Keith Olberman is with me on this one, as he ironically and synically points out news from any 3 of the Bush administration's 50 "gates" on a nightly basis. At least I hope he's with me.

The origin of the suffix is of course the biggest scandal in our history, and comparing "spygate" (the absurd use of camera-toting spies by the New England Patriots to spy on the Jets) to that is just silly. And the use doesn't even apply to the original scandal. If you applied the suffix to the origin, you'd call it "watergate-gate." So maybe we should just go back to calling them scandals and giving them original names. I think you'll agree with me, "Teapot Domegate" and "XYZgate" just don't have the same ring as Teapot Dome and The XYZ Affair.

and that's Wednesday Wordplay.

Should've Pre-ordered

2008-01-21T08:58:00.001-05:00

Oh wait...

ONE MORE YEAR

2008-01-20T17:38:00.000-05:00

AMENDMENT XXII

"No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more than once..."

One year from today, it will officially become unconstitutional for George W. Bush ever to hold the office of President of the United States.

All bad things must come to an end, too.

Story of the Week - Jan. 14-18

2008-01-18T10:21:00.000-05:00

Things That Need to Stop

We need to stop talking about Britney Spears. She's speaking in a British accent now? She didn't show up at the hearing to fight for her kids? She's in and out of a mental institution? None of this is surprising, all of this is sad, and stop forcing me to give a crap.

=====================

The New York Post needs to stop doing things like this:

This is Lynsey Nordstrom (and yes, that's how she spells it). She's the 21-year old Jessica Simpson lookalike that "was brought to the game by The Post after news broke that Romo was angering Dallas fans by jetting off to Mexico for a seaside romp with girlfriend Simpson when he was supposed to be training in the days before the big game."

So if I have this right: After the Giants upset the Cowboys, the Post "reported" that the Jessica Simpson lookalike IT planted in the crowd shared some of the credit, AND that was the front page story! There's a name for a newspaper that has to invent its own front page stories - it's called The National Enquirer. No more, NY Post, you don't deserve to be called a reputable source. And stop wagging the dog anyway. As a giant fan, I'm embarrassed by the Post this week. As a human being, I'm embarrassed by it most other weeks.

======================

In a related story, NFL.com needs to stop doing this:

NO!
NOT!
YET!

I got this e-mail offer earlier this week and I lost it.
Why on earth would any sports fan EVER pre-order that? They haven't won anything yet!
Pre-order is for Harry Potter books, because there's no will it/won't it involved. The book is coming out. The Giants will win or lose. These shirts will end up all over the NY metro area, or all over some third world country, depending on what happens on Sunday. But until Sunday, i don't want to see or hear any of this. Don't jinx it!

======================

We need to stop referring to OJ Simpson as "Ex NFL star OJ Simpson." I think we all know who he is. And, if OJ were a Taboo word (I'm sure he is somewhere) his buzz words are probably:
KNIFE, BLOODY GLOVE, FORD BRONCO, JUDGE ITO, BUFFALO BILLS, and it's doubtful Buffalo Bills even makes the cut ahead of Marcia Clark, Johnny Cochran, Nicole Brown, Ron Goldman, even Hertz and the Naked Gun. And now OJ is back in big legal trouble because of a shameful scheme to steal back his own memorabilia. That's pretty disgraceful, and the NFL has enough problems with its current players.

======================

Hamas needs to stop firing rockets into Israel from the Gaza Strip. First of all, they suck at it. Those rockets have primitive technology, no aim, and they don't do much damage. Still, Israel won't tolerate Islamic militants firing into Israel unprovoked. So what does the Israeli military do? They retaliate with sophisticated weaponry, and they kill people. Israeli military strikes have killed 35 people since Monday. That's almost triple the number of Israelis who have been killed by Hamas rockets since 2001.

Secondly, Hamas is only hurting the people it claims to fight for by firing the rockets into Israel. Because it causes Israel to cut off the flow of food supplies and electricity and petroleum to Gaza. Very little makes sense in Israel when it comes to "the situation," but there seems to be a simple solution to this cycle of violence, and it must start with Hamas. Boys, put down your silly rockets that don't hit anything and Israel will stop destroying your buildings and killing your people and you can attempt to govern yourselves.

======================

Ok, Dennis Kucinich - it's time to stop running for president. When your campaign spends more time in the courtroom trying to get your name on the ballot and fighting your way into debates, it's time to hang it up and tell your supporter to vote for someone else.

======================

American Idol needs to stop humiliating talentless hacks, even if they ask to be humiliated. I'm not the only one who thinks this, either. Ratings for the season premiere were down from last year, an indication that people are tired of watching ridiculous people make total asses of themselves on national TV while Paula, Randy and Simon repeat the same 6 phrases they've been repeating for 6 years. The novelty of it all is about 5 years too old.

I have an idea. How about next season you take 500 of the best singers to Hollywood and you make it a real competition right from the start? I'd watch.

======================

The writers strike needs to stop. I'm watching too much Food Network. And American Idol sucks.

Wednesday Wordplay - NEW!

2008-01-16T13:22:00.000-05:00

Here's something new. A weekly post devoted to wordplay, phraseplay, and other such Grammatolatry. Every Wednesday. Because Wednesday starts with "W." And so does Wordplay.

Grammatolatry - n. the worship of words. Not to be confused with the "warship of words," which would be a boatload of insult-hurling pirates, I suppose.

Some of those pirates might be scorbutic due to a lack of vitamin C, aka ascorbic acid.

scorbutic - adj. Pertaining to or afflicted with scurvy

You might say Mike Huckabee is an antidisestablishmentarian. I've always wanted to know what that meant. Now's as good a time as any to find out.

antidisestablishmentarianism - n. opposition to the belief that there should not be an official relationship between a country's government and its national church.

The following phrase needs to be phased out of use (I'll have one of these every week):
"not gonna lie"
Good! don't lie! If you say "not gonna lie" does that mean you're lying when you don't say that? Same goes for "to be honest" as in "to be honest, I don't really like American Idol anymore"
Yeah, me neither. But to be dishonest, I think it's great. Gonna lie. It's still a great show and i love watching it, especially early in the season.

and that's Wednesday Wordplay. I hope you find it supererogatory(1), and not supererogatory (2).

supererogatory - adj. 1. going beyond the call of duty. 2. superfluous

with a little help from dictionary.com, wordsmith.org, and the big word of the day calendar from avalanche publishing.

Story of the Week -- Dec 31-Jan 4

2008-01-04T14:51:00.000-05:00

How to choose a Leader

a play.

(Yammernuen* Town Hall Episcopal Convenience Store Motel and Restaurant. Yammernuen, IA)
TOM: Good evening everyone, please have a seat. Don't get comfortable. First we'd like the thank the Yammernuen Township Town Hall Episcopal Convenience Store Motel and Restaurant for hosting the Caucus of the 119th precinct. I'm Tom Johnson, I will be overseeing tonight's proceedings. Some rules: It's now 7 o'clock sharp, so Frank over there will now lock the door. Nobody else is allowed into the caucus room. If you choose to leave, your vote will not count and a sympathy vote will be cast for Senator Joe Biden of Delaware. Rule number 2: please don't eat any of the cakes or cookies until told to do so if you want your vote to be valid. Rule number 3: excuse me, can I help you?

SPIEGALION: Oh, I'm just watching. You can pretend I'm not here.

TOM: You're not here.

SPIEGALION: That's what I meant. Keep going, don't mind me. This cake is delicious.

TOM: Ok, Rule number 3: please do not solicit homosexual sex in the bathroom or we will be forced to register you as a Republican and send you to Idaho. Yes, BOBBY, you have a question?

BOBBY: Do you think the Larry Craig jokes are starting to get old?

TOM: No. Rule number 4: each participant is allowed one question of the moderator. Probably should have waited on that one Bobby. Rule number 5: all other rules of the caucus are located in this 400 page publication which you should have received in the mail last year. Any questions? Good. Let's get started.
I'd like everyone to meet Bruno the Labrador Retriever. Everyone say hi Bruno.

EVERYONE: Hi Bruno!

BRUNO: Arf!

TOM: Bruno is going to walk around the room right now and count you. Please sit still. And don't mind him he's very friendly. While Bruno works, let me ask, how many of you have never participated in the Iowa caucuses before?

GROUP OF 10 IN THE BACK: WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOM: Yes, you must be from the University.

JOEY THE FISH: Yeah baby! Delta house baby!

TOM: Delta house? Like in Animal House?

SPIEGALION: That's my bad. Best I could come up with and I wanted to get this written before the New Hampshire primary. Really. Great cake. Who'd a thought?

TOM: All right, welcome, Delta House.

DELTAS: Yeah baby! Chug Chug Chug!

TOM: Hey, you can't drink in here!

MARTIN: Why not? Doesn't say it in the rulebook.

TOM: You read the rulebook?

JOEY THE FISH: He does all our homework too.

MARTIN: Well, not all....

PARKER: Don't be modest, you little genius, you. Have a beer.

BRUNO: Arf!

TOM: All right, looks like Bruno's done. Now he's going to show me on this number pad how many there are....and....101? Are you sure?

BRUNO: Arf!

TOM: Did you count Fred the bouncer?

BRUNO: Arf!

TOM: Were you supposed to count Fred the bouncer?

BRUNO: arf...

TOM: And why not? Because Fred the bouncer is from Minnesota...It's ok, just don't do it again. Here, have a cookie. Ok, so Bruno's vote is now invalid, and we have a revised number of 100 people in the room. That's very convenient.

SPIEGALION: You're welcome.

TOM: Right, so we have 100 voters here in the room and it appears we're ready to begin. Any questions? Nope. Saving em up. Smart. Alright let's go. The first round is simple. Each candidate has a designated area. Choose your favorite candidate, go to that area. They are as follows: for Hillary Clinton, you want the deli counter to my right. For John Edwards, the altar, underneath the cross. For Barack Obama--

DELTAS: Obama!! Drink! Drink! Drink!

TOM: For Obama--

DELTAS: Obama!! Drink! Drink! Drink!

TOM: Ahem, over there by the beef jerky. For Bill Richardson it's the check-out counter, Joe Biden, the newsstand, Dennis Kucinch, over there by the ladies' room, Chris Dodd right here at the podium, and....Mike...Gravel? Ok, raise your hand if you know who Mike Gravel is.

(nothing)

TOM: That's what I thought, all right, I motion to strike Mike Gravel from the ballot as he is not viable.

BETTY: Second

TOM: Thank you Betty. Here, have a cookie to make it official.

JOAN: Hey why does she get a cookie?

TOM: To make a motion pass, one must consume a combination of sugar, flour and chocolate. If a cookie or other such baked good is consumed...

JOAN: So I just had to second the motion?

RALPH: Trust me honey, you didn't need it.

JOAN: Why don't you have another pork chop, Ralph?

TOM: All right, all right. Enough. Now, you have 10 minutes to choose an area corresponding to your candidate. Time begins now.

(ten minutes later)

TOM: Ok, time is up. Now...we have to count up the various areas. Any candidate that has less than 15 percent, which, conveniently, means any area with less than 15 people, will be declared not viable.

TODD: And then we can have cake?

TOM: Not yet, um...sorry I forgot your name

TODD: It's Todd. Rhymes with Dodd.

TOM: Ah, and that's why you voted for Dodd?

TODD: Rhymes with Todd.

TOM: Good choice. Unfortunately it looks like you're the only one there, so, you'll have to either convince 14 more people to join you or choose a different candidate.

TODD: Oh....anybody else's name here rhyme with Dodd?

ROD: Mine does. Hi...Rod Leiden. Rhymes with Biden.

TODD: Rod, rhymes with Dodd...

ROD: That's true.

TOM: Rod, where's your wife?

ROD: Over there by the deli counter, with the rest of the middle aged women who don't watch Oprah.

PEGGY: I work during the day and Rod won't get us TiVo.

ROD: You don't need TiVo!

PEGGY: But it's only $5 a month!

ROD: I don't see how any of this will change if we have a woman as president.

PEGGY: Well I don't understand how you can vote for JOE BIDEN!

ROD: Rhymes with Leiden!

TODD: Rod, Rhymes with Dodd!

ROD: Yeah, I'm gonna move over here with my buddy Todd.

TOM: You see? This is what the Iowa caucuses are all about. Intelligent debate, youthful enthusiasm...and eliminating non-viable candidates. With Rod moving here, that puts a nail in the Joe Biden coffin. And sadly Rod and Todd--

ROD and TODD: Ryhmes with Dodd!

TOM: Right, well you're going to have to find a different criterion for choosing your candidate, because 2 is not 15. That goes for you two over there by the ladies room in the alien costumes. Not enough for Mr. Kucinich.

(two people in alien costumes leave, dejectedly)

TOM: That leaves Richardson, Edwards, Obama--

DELTAS: Obama!

TOM: And...Clinton. Now it appears there are only 9 of you over in Richardson's camp, so you'll have to choose someone else.

ELAINE: I don't know what to say.

TOM: Well, it's not that complicated, there isn't enough support for your candidate.

ELAINE: No I mean, we don't know what to say, we can't figure out what stereotype we're supposed to be.

TOM: Oh.

SPIEGALION: My friend BrookLyn GaL likes Richardson. Not sure if that helps.

ELAINE: Can she vote in Iowa?

SPIEGALION: No, no she can't. She's from Kansas.

TERRANCE: Iowa's more mind numbingly dull than Kansas.

SPIEGALION: Is that something you're proud of?

TERRANCE: mlurpgh.

SPIEGALION: Interesting.

TOM: Let's move on. Richardson people, find someone else to have nondescript semi-opinions for. Now, there are 3 viable candidates remaining. You have 20 minutes to persuade and decide. Once your vote is locked in, you can have a piece of cake.

RALPH: Finally

(takes a cookie)

TOM: Well I guess Ralph is voting for Clinton now.

JOAN: HA!

TRISHA: That's not fair, why are the cookies over by Hillary's area?

JOAN: Because that's where the counter is.

TRISHA : Yeah but now he's a vote for Hillary!

JOAN: Calm down, kid. He only voted for Obama because of the beef jerky.

DELTAS: Obama!

TRISHA: Motion to put the cookies and cakes in a neutral location.

RALPH: SECOND! (eats another cookie)

JOAN: Don't be a pig, Ralph.

RALPH: Can it, Joan. It's not my fault you're too slow.

TOM: Fred, can you get the cookies and bring them here to the center podium? OK, starting now, you have 20 minutes to persuade and make your second choices.

JOEY THE FISH: Attention young people and mothers who watch Oprah -- if you're not for Obama--

DELTAS: Obama!

JOEY THE FISH: You're against Obama.

DELTAS: Obama!

JOEY THE FISH: And if Obama Obama, Obama Obama. That's 4 more, ladies.

TRISHA: Hey, Obama's more than just the voice of the college student.

DELTA: Obama!

JOAN: Aren't you a college student?

TRISHA: Yes, but not like them. He's the voice of hope, and twentysomethings, and young people, and enthusiasm.

SUZANNE: And radical Islam.

MARY: He's not a Muslim! He's Episcopalian or something.

TRISHA: And even so, like another old white man is the answer?

SPIEGALION: I agree with you, but why should this rinkydink town in Iowa get to have this much power.

JOEY THE FISH: We brought beer.

SPIEGALION: Eesh.

TRISHA: Have you ever been to Iowa?

SPIEGALION: I'm not even here now.

TRISHA: Then what are you doing?

SPIEGALION: Trying to make a point that these caucuses don't make sense. That the race is far from over. That nobody cares about Iowa once the caucuses are over--

TRISHA: Stop there. You're ruining the ending. With my 10 drunk Delta boys and all these other young people who never participated in a caucus before, and these women who listen to everything Oprah tells 'em, I've got 39 votes here. Help me hand out these cookies.

SPIEGALION: I can't, I'm not here. Try the apple cake. Delicious.

TOM: Time's up. Bruno the Labrador will tally up the winners. And remember, in addition to this being a restaurant, town hall, motel lobby and convenience store, it's also a house of worship, so be sure to leave it how you left it. And you-

SPIEGALION: Yeah?

TOM: What are you doing? Nobody's gonna read this all the way to the end?

SPIEGALION: How do you know?

TOM: Cheesecake, saxophone, Brazilian tea paintbrush mechanism barbecue oxygen dynamic.

SPIEGALION: Now you're just messing with me.

TOM: You're messing with you.

SPIEGALION: right. Just call a winner.

TOM: Obama!

DELTAS: OBAMA!

*Yammernuen is a town invented by my younger brother when he was about 6 years old and is not the name of any town anywhere.

Parallel (o-Gram)

2008-01-02T21:41:00.000-05:00

In Hebrew class today, we read a dialogue called Sh'cheinot (Neighbor). Here's a rough translation:

Rivka: Noa, I'm going to the supermarket right now. Maybe you need something?

Noa: Yes, I'm having guests today, and I want to make chocolate cake. I only have oil and milk in the house, and I don't have time to go to the supermarket. I need eggs, a kilo of sugar, and milk chocolate.

Rivka: You need anything else?

Noa: Ah...yes. I also need a kilo of flour. And...that's it. That's all.

Rivka: Margarine you don't need?

Noa: No, for this cake I don't need margarine. Thanks.

Rivka: It's nothing. I'll be back in a little while. See ya later!

On the walk home from class, I devised a plan for the rest of my night. It went something like this:

Make lunch

Pass out.

But when I got to step two, my plan hit a small snag. I make the same thing for lunch every day. Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, pretzels, fruit. Done. Yep, I'm my own soccer mom. But then, I opened the refrigerator to find:

I didn't have any bread. Or jelly. Or peanut butter. I didn't have any peanut butter in the cabinet either, which is where I normally keep peanut butter, cause who keeps peanut butter in the fridge? I guess if it's that natural stuff you have to refrigerate it whatever, point is I didn't have it.

I was reminded of Noa, the poor needy neighbor who woke up one morning and said "i'm gonna make a chocolate cake today" and somehow thought she could do it without chocolate, flour, sugar, or eggs.

Below the dialogue, there were 4 true/false questions. Here is a rough translation:

Noa is a selfish person.
Noa has a good heart.
Rivka is a selfish person.
Rivka has a good heart.

And the answers, according to the book: T, F, F, T

So what's the moral of the story? I'm selfish, I need to go grocery shopping, I had too much champagne on new year's eve, I have to buy lunch tomorrow, and I'm a bad person.

v'ani tzarich lalechet lishon.

Story of the Week - Dec. 24-28

2007-12-31T08:57:00.000-05:00

Beyond the Grave

yeah, took me a while this week. I Hope it's worth it.

Benazir Bhutto left an email with Wolf Blitzer, of all people, to be read only in the event of her death. The email said, and I'm paraphrasing, "if I die, it's Musharaf's fault." Which shows more foresight that her life was in danger than the act of sticking her head out the sunroof of her car at a crowded rally less than 3 months after an assassination attempt that missed her but killed over 100 other people.

My story of the week, however, has little to do with Benazir Bhutto, except for a simple correlation and an easy "speaking of posthumous correspondence" segue.

Chet Fitch, of Ashland, Orgegon, died in October, at the age of 88. All indications are that he led a happy life, and had lots of friends for whom he was willing to do nearly anything. Including, bargain with God.

Chet, perhaps still new to all the rules up in Heaven and maybe just a little homesick, asked nicely if he might be able to get his Christmas cards out for just one more year. And so, he sat down on a nearby cloud, and filled out his final messages. And this is what he wrote:

Dear Debbie,

I asked Big Guy if I could sneak back and send some cards. At first he said no; but at my insistence he finally said, 'Oh well, what the heaven, go ahead but don't tarry there.' Wish I could tell you about things here but words cannot explain.
Better get back as Big Guy said he stretched a point to let me in the first time, so I had better not press my luck. I'll probably be seeing you (some sooner than you think). Wishing you a very Merry Christmas. Chet Fitch.

As it turns out, Chet had been planning this for 20 years, with his barber, so I imagine God had an idea he wanted to do it, and let him break the rules just the one time. Chet even told his barber "You must be tired of waiting to mail those cards. I think you'll probably be able to mail them this year."

A week later, Chet took up residence in Heaven.

Talk about foresight.

Christmas Eve Real Time Blogging!

2007-12-24T09:40:00.000-05:00

Monday, December 24, 2007 9:40am: It's a slow news day. How slow? CNN just ran a package about a Baby Jesus statue that was stolen in Florida and by some miracle replaced...just in time for Christmas. And who replaced the statue? a Jewish man from Cincinnati. It's a story that's built for local news, but with nothing else going on, it's now become a national story. With a follow-up: baby Jesus has been fitted with a GPS device.

I have come to a decision: It's the perfect time for Real Time Blogging! Let's go!

9:43 am: Welcome to the New York Stock Exchange. With the 9 am hour cancelled and our next hit an hour away, I have nothing to do. And neither does CNN. Right now, they've got their own Santa in the studio, surrounded by five kids and ignoring anchor TJ Holmes.

Don't think I'm not doing work. I'm preparing an update for Noon for an affiliate in Detroit, waiting for a call back about the average gas prices in the motor city. When they call back, I'll write it up.

One Stock to watch today is Merrill Lynch. Its shares are up almost 5 percent right now, you really don't care why. One CNBC anchor said its ticker symbol (MER) is the first 3 letters in the word "Merry", so it's fitting (gag me). I always thought of it as "mer", a favorite word of mine that means something boring and non-descript. As in, this blog post right now is pretty mer.

9:50am: Commercial Break.

9:54am: I went looking for a link to the story about the Florida Baby Jesus statue, and I found this incident of Stolen Baby Jesus in Pennsylvania
...and this one in Nyack, NY
...and this one in Texas that was returned after going missing for a year.
...and this one in Idaho
...ok, I found the one in Florida with the GPS. Enjoy. http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=339963

10 am Market Update: Dow up 86 points, Nasdaq up 13 points or half a percent, S&P up 2/3 of a percent. Thanks, blog, for making me feel like I'm here for a reason.

Somebody should look into whether local news stations are stealing baby Jesus statues.

10:11 am: Commercial break, but when we come back, we'll go to the mall to check out the final hours of the Christmas Shopping season!

These people stole the Donkey, sheep and wise men.

10:15am: Santa's back! Hooray for awkward banter!

10:18am: A Christmas-related story with some substance - the number of people celebrating Christmas in Bethlehem this year is more than double last year's number. Israeli authorities relaxed some of the tough security measures, making it easier for people to get to the West Bank city, and they were able to do so because the situation is relatively calm, especially compared to the last 7 years.

10:34am: Got an answer on Detroit gas prices! Up 6 cents from 2 weeks ago, to an average of $2.87. But you don't care. At least I don't think I have any readers in Detroit.

Now that I have this information, I have an hour and a half to write a 40 second update.

10:38am: Substitute anchor has arrived. 15 minutes to the first update of the day (of 4)

10:51am: back to Santa! And he can't hear anything.

10:55am: First Update successful! As if there was any doubt, I mean I had like 2 1/2 hours to get ready for it.

10:59am: Right before the 11am reset, a story about Santas running wild in a New Zealand movie theater. Probably on their way to go steal some Baby Jesuses.

11:12am: want a market update? Here: dow's up 82, nasdaq up 15, s&p up 8. mer.

11:14am: Promo for a special on tonight with Roland Martin called "What Would Jesus Really Do?" I think I can find 50 things I'd rather watch tonight on TV:

But first, back to Santa! And now he's not even looking at the camera. But he can hear. Sort of.
anchor: what do some of the children want for Christmas, Santa?
Santa: well, some of them want me to ignore them.

Ok, 50 things on TV tonight at 8pm I'd watch before I'd even think about watching "What Would Jesus Really Do?"

How I Met Your Mother
Cheaper By the Dozen
All the Pretty Horses
It's a Wonderful Life
Antiques Roadshow
A Christmas Story (but if I don't catch it at 8, it's on for the next 24 hours)
Spongebob, Squarepants
The Year in Animals
M*A*S*H
Scrubs
Monday Night Football (Broncos vs Chargers)
Reba rerun
Yankees Classics - game 6 of the 1977 World Series, the game where Reggie Jackson hits 3 HR in 3 ABs (yep, if forced, I'd rather watch an old Yankee game than "What Would Jesus Really Do?")
Happy Holidays from Home Shopping Network
BET Awards '07
Law & Order
Tom Hanks - Inside the Actor's Studio
Halls of Fame with Fran Healy (though, it's pushing it)
Dog Whisperer
The Martha Stewart Show (also pushing it)
Rugrats
Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Double Dare 2000 on Nick Gas
The Santa Clause 2
The Chronicles of Narnia
The last 45 minutes of "Best in Show"
The last hour of "Nanny McPhee"
The last five minutes of an episode of "Curb your Enthusiasm" followed by "Scrooged"
Snakes on a Plane
Mystery Diagnosis
Deal or No Deal
Kids by the Dozen - a reality show about a family with 12 kids
Keeping up with the Kardashians
Classic Boxing
Classic Golf - 1998 Johnnie Walker Classic
American Muscle Car
Good Eats
Nostradamous - 500 years later
CSI:
News 12 New Jersey
Blue Planet
Casper's Haunted Christmas
Skiing
The Weather Channel
Yule Log
Tin Man
Goodfellas
Everybody Hates Chris
MSNBC's Crimes Caught on Tape
Bars and Tone

11:40 am: I just found out that the New Jersey Society of Certified Public Accountants is ringing the Opening Bell at the NYSE on Wednesday. I don't know if I will be able to handle that kind of excitement.

11:50am: re-running the Baby Jesus story! the lady bolted down the Baby Jesus and it was still stolen. But it's "Jewish Jeffrey" to the rescue! "To make Christmas right for everyone."
And the reporter tried to rhyme "mensch" with "sinch". No. Bad.

11:56am: Letters to Santa package! A postal worker in Massachusetts who answers letters to Santa.

11:58: time to see bad Santas in New Zealand. They even kicked over a Christmas tree! The outrage!

12:00 noon: CNN International simulcast begins. And we go on the air in Detroit in 10 minutes. Yay!

12:17pm: lunch!

Too many exclamation points in this post? maybe.

12:24pm: weather update. why are people so concerned with having a White Christmas? Would they be as concerned if there hadn't been a movie?

12:38pm: as usual, not much to criticize about the International broadcast, as long as there's no British tabloid story being overblown.

12:49PM: Commercial for THE FISH PEN. Yes, it's a real fishing rod that's the size of a Pen. It's the Fish Pen!

1pm: Santa rings the closing bell at the NYSE in front of a few people who stuck around long enough to see it.

1:03pm: "White Christmas" talk again? And one anchor seems to be particularly concerned with maintaining suspension of disbelief when it comes to Santa. For example, Santa doesn't need snow to land on rooftops. Thanks for clearing that up.

1:18pm: In the home stretch. Want closing numbers? No? Here:
DOW closed at 13,549, up 99 points. Nasdaq was up 21, s&p up 12. Whatever.

1:21pm: A reporter interviews men out at malls and asks why they can't get their shopping done earlier.

Macy's has been open 24 hours a day for the last week. Can anybody tell me what you buy at Macy's at 4 o'clock in the morning?

1:23pm: prime time promos, including one for Larry King Live, rerunning a show from a year ago. So in other words it's Larry King One Year Ago. We're even rerunning the same promos, as if we're almost certain nobody's watching.

remember, it's never too late to steal a plastic Baby Jesus.

actually, in March, it's probably too late. And if there's still Baby Jesuses out in March, they deserve to be stolen.

1:26 pm: Water skiing Santa! My day is complete. And it's in Washington, DC, where the water temperature is under 40 degrees.

1:27pm: NORAD says Santa's in Ethiopia. So the water skier is a fake. More suspension of disbelief: Santa is magical. Santa moves at 8 times the speed of light but he can because he's magical. Santa is everywhere.

OK Then, that's enough. Happy Birthday Baby Jesus. I'm going home.

Story of the Week -- Dec. 17-21

2007-12-21T12:10:00.000-05:00

Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'

Before I begin this story of life, death, and well...redemption, (and jokes about New Jersey) I have this:

The 91st richest man in the US died yesterday. His name is Kenneth Hendricks, and he was the CEO of ABC Supply Co, the nation's self-described "largest wholesale roofing distributor." How did he die?

He fell through the roof of his own garage.

For sure, the unfortunate 66-year-old Wisconsin billionaire wasn't put to death by the state of New Jersey, because Governor Jon Corzine signed a bill making that illegal on Monday. New Jersey became the first state to repeal its capital punishment law since the U.S. Supreme Court reinstated the death penalty in 1976. Of course this measure is mostly symbolic, since New Jersey hasn't actually executed anyone since 1963.

"Today New Jersey is truly evolving," said Corzine (obviously he wasn't at a rest stop on the turnpike)
(he meant the state, not the people)
(evidently he hasn't been to a Jets game this year)
(clearly he wasn't in Newark when he made the speech)
(more?) in an eloquent speech at the signing. "Society must determine if its endorsement of violence begets violence and undermines the sanctity of life...I answer yes, and therefore I believe we must evolve to ending that endorsement."

The repeal was celebrated by death penalty opponents worldwide, including Sister Helen Prejean, a leading anti-death penalty activist and the author of Dead Man Walking, who attended the signing ceremony.

"There's no place on Earth I'd rather be," (she meant New Jersey, seriously)
(obviously she didn't know where she was)
(clearly she wasn't in Newark when she made the speech)
(no, seriously, she was in New Jersey. take that...everywhere else on Earth!!)
(I could do this all day) she said, and she continued heaping her praises on the Garden State: "the word will travel around the globe that there is a state in the United States of America that was the first to show that life is stronger than death, love is greater than hatred and that compassion is stronger than the need for revenge" (clearly she wasn't in Newark when she made the speech)

New Jersey had 8 men on death row, all of whom previously had little chance of ever really being put to death, and now they have no chance at all. Governor Corzine officially commuted the eight sentences in an order that provided "legal certainty" that the convicted murderers would spend the rest of their lives in jail.

That is, unless they've seen The Shawshank Redemption.

This week, 2 inmates at a jail in Elizabeth, NJ broke out and escaped, in an elaborate and creative scheme that you absolutely would never believe possible.

That is, unless you've seen The Shawshank Redemption.

If you've seen that movie, I don't have to tell you how these 2 guys got out of jail. If you haven't seen it, stop reading this and turn on the TV. It's probably on.

Yes, Jose Espinosa and Otis Blunt used the resources at their disposal in the prison to remove pieces of their cell wall, and disguised the hole by tacking up pictures of bikini clad models that they cut out of magazines. A move no guard or prison official seemed to see coming.

Prison authorities have launched a review of security measures, and inmates are now barred from pinning up pictures from magazines on their cell walls, a restriction nobody seemed to consider before, because clearly, inexplicably, nobody had seen The Shawshank Redemption.

Really? None of them saw the movie? Like, not even the last half hour one night on TNT or something? Really?

What scares me more is if they have seen the movie and just dismissed it as fantasy. Even after they saw inmate 034687 with a lot of pictures up in a particular spot. Andy Dufresne was a genius. These guys are just copycats. They were just seeing if it could work, and hey! It did.

And now, we don't have Tim Robbins, cleaned-up, calmly walking into a bank, wantin' no trouble, we have these guys:

Espinosa, who's awaiting sentencing after pleading guilty to manslaughter in a drive-by shooting, and Blunt, who's facing robbery and weapons charges. Until these guys are caught, you might want to reconsider your next vacation to downtown Elizabeth, NJ.

Oh right....well anyway, these guys need to be caught and brought back to jail, where their sentences will get significantly longer. But so far, they're still on the loose. Hey, NJ State Police, have you looked here?

Story of the Week -- Dec 10-14

2007-12-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

Digesting the Mitchell Report

In late June 1994, I was in my parents' bedroom, busily writing my name on every article of clothing I owned in preparation for camp. I had Sportscenter on in the background (this is back when Sportscenter was good and watching it was a daily ritual). I was about to find out that my favorite baseball player tested positive for Cocaine use. Dwight Gooden did drugs, and he was suspended for 60 games. I was 11 years old, and the news made me cry.

The next day I went to camp and essentially forgot about Dwight Gooden. My dad didn't mention Doc in his almost daily recounts of Met games in letters. With or without Gooden, the Mets were a pretty mediocre team that year, and the year before they had lost 103 games. Two days after I got home from camp, on August 11, 1994, my dad took me to Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia to watch the Mets play the Phillies. The Mets lost that one, 2-1 in 15 innings. The game ended around 11:30. Half an hour later, The Major League Baseball Players Association went on strike.

In baseball's darkest hour, I wanted nothing more than to see my mediocre Mets take the field as soon as possible with the same flawed, crappy team that featured such overpaid duds as Bobby Bonilla and Bret Saberhagen. Even if they were without my favorite player, even if they used replacement players, as a 12 year old kid, I wanted to be able to go to Shea Stadium, and I didn't want to go another year without a World Series.

So I was there on April 28, 1995, cheering my team to a win over the Cardinals. In the first inning, 3 protesters ran onto the field and threw fake money, revealing shirts that said "GREED." But they were in the ballpark. 8 or 9 other people ran onto the field, too. One guy literally tried to steal third base. It was a great day.

The point? In less than a year, I saw my favorite player disappear from the game because he did drugs, then saw half a season and the postseason disappear because of money. And all I wanted was for everyone to just get back on the field and play.

Cut to this week, when 60-80 "favorite players" are implicated by former Sen. George Mitchell for using, buying, or, in some cases, sort of being around and hearing about, performance enhancing substances. And if you're a real baseball fan, you can't be surprised by any of the names on the list (ok, maybe Wally Joyner, but if you actually read the report you'll see that Wally didn't like the steroids and stopped using them almost immediately.) I imagine I'll be digesting the news in this report and the news that comes in its wake for quite a while, or at least until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.

First of all, I'm not surprised by anything in the report, and no dedicated baseball fan should be shocked either. Think about it. Roger Clemens is 100 years old and still throws 95 mph. He's been old since 1997, which according to the Mitchell Report, is right around the time he started using steroids. 10 years later he's still going, at times looking less hittable than he did 12-15 years ago? You weren't suspicious?

Yes, steroids bad for you and a lot of people cheated. Let's examine the career of Todd Hundley. He was a decent hitting, good catcher. He was a leader on a hapless Met team and, once Bonilla busted and the Isringhausen/Pulsipher/Wilson dream fizzled out, the face of the team. He was good for 16-18 homers a year. In 1996, right when Mitchell alleges he started using, he hits 41 homers, breaking the Met record and the single-season record for catchers. And he drives in 112 runs. In '97, he hits 30 HR. Then in '98 he gets hurt, the Mets trade for Mike Piazza, they try to put Hundley in the outfield (bad idea) and he's never really the same.

Compare to Clemens, who extends his career with steroids and who knows what else (allegedly) but also does it with a well-documented ridiculous work ethic and workout routine. And also, by comparison, has much more ability. I say the same about Bonds (who I hate, because he's a dick) The guy used steroids, but he was still an incredible player before that. They cheated, but they still belong in the hall of fame.

Also, if Clemens wasn't using, and he's pitching to Bonds who was and getting him out, that's impressive. If they were both using - still impressive. If Hundley's using and Clemens is clean, then Rocket is working extra hard to get out the juiced up batters. And vice versa. And whether Josiais Manzanillo is using or not, he still sucks and you still don't know who he is.

I'm tired of hearing a couple of arguments, including the "fallen heroes" argument. Roger Clemens is your idol? Really? The player who's been a mercenary for 4 years, holding up his "hometown" team for millions of dollars? The same guy who threw a sawed off bat at Mike Piazza? Barry Bonds certainly hasn't been a role model. Before you even get close to talking about his steroid use you have to get past the fact that he's a narcissistic asshole. John Rocker? (any surprise he showed up in the Mitchell Report?) If you look up to John Rocker, you need psychological help. And if your 10-year-old kid idolizes John Rocker, you both need help.

I'm also tired of the holier-than-thou baseball writers who insist they won't vote anyone alleged to use steroids into the Hall of Fame. You same people exalted Mark McGwire for bringing back the game post-strike (I'm getting tired of this counter argument, too, but I agree with it) knowing full well his head and arms were just unnaturally large. You even uncovered the andro in his locker and let it go once #62 barely cleared the left field wall at Busch Stadium. So shut up with the outrage, be happy that Baseball is finally doing something about this, and put McGwire into the Hall of Fame, and put Bonds and Clemens in in five years, too.

I'm also tired of people caring what President Bush thinks because he used to own the Texas Rangers and...you know what? I'm just tired of President Bush. But that's for another day.

The steroids problem runs so deep that it's impossible to unravel. And I'm in the camp with the people who want to move on. Major League Baseball is right. Attendance is through the roof, and it's not because players are hitting more home runs. It's because the experience of going to a baseball game is as good as it's ever been. The Mitchell Report doesn't leave me jaded. I've been jaded at least since my favorite player got suspended for using cocaine (he's still in prison, in case you've forgotten)

Ballplayers are human beings, they're not saints. And I can't wait until they get back on the damn field already. 8 weeks to pitchers and catchers?

The Full Circle Comes Full Circle

2007-12-10T12:01:00.000-05:00

The Full Circle has come full circle. My blog is a year old. And in honor of the (in?)auspicious occasion, I thought I'd treat my loyal readers (nearly a baker's dozen poor souls who are willing to admit they read on a regular basis) and any newcomers or passers by to a sampling of my favorites. I've chosen 5. Feel free to disagree or to pile on your own.

These are in no particular order:

My Camel is Broken - The Negev, Thursday December 21
It was hard to choose a favorite from my 11 part Birthright Israel series. If you haven't read the Israel posts, this is my writing at its best. The "Camel" post is maybe the funniest of the 11, so there it is, but the other 10 are good reads, too. Even the 2nd or 3rd time around.

The Most Important Story (story of the week June 4-7)
The number of U.S. military casualties in Iraq crosses the 3,500 mark, but the media is distracted by Paris Hilton. And I'm confused.

Spell Check and update (story of the week May 28-June1)
I set out to criticize home schooling and then nail ESPN for runining the appeal of the Scripps National Spelling Bee by upping the production value and exploiting its popularity. Kind of the way FOX is about to ruin American Gladiators. That's not why I'm including it in my top 5, though.
A week later, I offered an update when I confirmed that the 2007 National Spelling Bee winner, a home-schooled 13 year old named Evan O'Dorney, had Asperger's, further supporting my opinion that home schooling removes the important social component that a regular school provides. The update showed up on a couple of Asberger's related discussion websites, and I got some rare anonymous comments from passionate AS parents on both sides of the argument.

And Sometimes, It's Like This...
A great "impulse post" and the most concise answer I can come up with to the question "what do you do for a living?"

Foofaraw - President's Day Edition
Soon after The Full Circle was born, I came across the word "Foofaraw" and immediately regretted the title of my blog. I didn't change the title, but I did begin an irregular feature for the blog called Foofaraw - fusses over matters of little importance. This is the sheer best of that feature.

Can't believe it's been a year...

What was your favorite?

Story of the Week -- Nov 19-23

2007-11-23T09:45:00.000-05:00

Turkey Talk

My favorite task this week was to call the Media office at the Butterball Hotline. I was investigating a rumor that the hot line trains its callers to speak in a Midwestern accent. I asked the woman in media relations if there was any truth to the rumor, and she answered me with...well she basically laughed at me.

Once composed, she said "well, all of our callers come from the Chicagoland area (By the way, am I the only one who thinks Chicagoland Area sounds like the parking lot, gas station, and Pizzeria Uno's in the immediate vicinity of a schlocky amusement park?) and they're all middle-aged ladies so..."

I stopped her. "So it's not so much that they're trained to speak like middle-aged Midwest housewives, and more like they are middle-aged Midwest housewives."

"Yeah."

To further investigate the sheer stupidity of my question, I turned to the Butterball Hotline's media relations web site. Butterball Turkey Talk-line experts are "more than 50 professionally trained, college-educated home economists eager to assist Americans in preparing holiday feasts." Let's meet some of them, shall we?

Mary Clingman is the director of the Turkey Talk-Line. Her favorite call came from a man who was concerned that his Thanksgiving turkey spent too much time thawing in the refrigerator while he was off assisting his wife with the birth of their first child. Mrs. Clingman asked "how much does it weigh?" and the man replied "The turkey or the baby?" and Mrs. Clingman thought that was very funny. Clingman has a degree in Home Economics from Simpson College in Indianola, Iowa, and she looks exactly the way you think she does. Mary's been talking turkey for 23 years.

Carol Miller has been talking turkey for 24 years and graduated from Northern Illinois University with a degree in Home Economics (a major that, as you might suspect, no longer exists at NIU) Carol remembers a caller with a very straightforward question - "when do I have to put my turkey in the oven so that it's done at halftime?" Carol and the caller put their heads together and calculated out the exact time! She loves the callers, especially on Thanksgiving Day, when her advice is often greeted with applause on the other end of the phone.

Astrid Volpert is the Talkline's token Hispanic. She has a degree in Nutrition and Biology from Perdue University. She formerly worked for Women, Infants and Children (WIC) a non-profit organiztion that provides low-income women with nutritious food, information on healthy eating and health care referrals. Now she talks turkey and volunteers at her children's school and for the Cub Scouts, where she holds board positions. According to Butterball, she is a "polished and charming media interview", which is probably code for "she doesn't sound hispanic".

Lastly, Dorothy Jones (23-year turkey talker) also has a home economics degree from NIU. And she has the best story of all. Her favorite caller came from a man who was distressed about the ammount of time it takes to cook a turkey. He asked Dorothy if the turkey would cook faster if he drove a railroad spike through it "to promote heat conduction." Calmly, Dorothy advised against avian impalement and instead offered a less violent shortcut.

These ladies are exactly who you think they are (a particular Dana Carvey character comes to mind) They may all have old-fashioned degrees and old-fashioned ways, but don't call them old fashioned. The Butterball Hotline keeps up with the times. 2007 marks year 2 for TurkeyTalk - the Butterball PodCast.

Here's a few more things you may not have known:

The line opened in 1981, when 6 operators answered about 11,000 calls. Today, more than 50 operators handle over 100,000 calls between Thanksgiving and Christmas (actually, the hotline officially opens November 1)

A survey this year of nearly 2000 adults found that 95% of American Thanksgiving tables feature mashed potatoes, but only 46% have gravy.

Men are twice as likely as women to prefer the drumstick, while the majority of women stick to breast meat. (hmm, might of thought that one would go the other way...)

83% of Americans in the North call it "stuffing", but the south is split between calling it "stuffing" or "dressing". Only 1% of the country calls it filling.

Americans in the Mountain Time Zone are most likely to serve pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.

Southerners are the most likely to deep fry their turkeys.

Americans in the South Atlantic region (which stretches from New York to Florida along the East Coast) love the turkey just as much as they love the sides, and are more likely than any other region to use cilantro in their turkey preparation.

Well I bet that was more than you ever wanted to know.

Really, you want more? http://www.butterball.com/

Story of the Week -- Nov. 5-9

2007-11-09T12:47:00.000-05:00

On Strike, Part II

Last week I joked about the effects of the WGA strike. Then one of my loyal readers posed a more serious question:

BrookLyn GaL: I'm curious as to your opinion on the strike since you're a writer. Of course as a viewer, I don't care who wins what, I just don't want to be without The Office. But I don't know enough about the demands and whatnot to know who is in the right.How do you feel about the strike, as a writer?

A very good question. There are times, Brooklyn Gal (and fellow loyal readers, all 5 of you...) when I, too, just want to make sure there's a new episode of The Office next week. And there are times when I think of myself, still, as a potential future member of the WGA, that maybe someday cousin Herb will be right, and I'll have to join the picket line.

Then I went on vacation before I finished writing this article. Apologies. But get ready for more travel articles from me at http://thetravelerspen.com/ And now I'll finish my story of the week from a week ago that still applies because the writers are still on strike:
============================================
For the purposes of a coherent response, I've devised a hypothetical.
Let's just say:

In 1984 and 1985, I wrote 3 episodes of "Charles in Charge" (the one where Charles learns that people aren't always the way they seem, the one where Lila tries to sabotage her brother's crush, and the one where Charles has to supervise Lila's slumber party after he's decided to swear off women, in case you were wondering). For writing those 3 episodes, I made about $50,000.

Now I've had a solid career since, writing some after-school specials, a few small movies, and I produced a couple of short-lived sitcoms. But "Charles" was the best show I ever worked on, and the only one that made it to the magical world of television syndication. It pays to be in TV Land, trust me. Every time one of my episodes appears on Nick at Nite, or shows up at 2am in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, or gets slapped with Korean subtitles and shipped to Seoul, I get a little check in the mail called a residual. Those 3 episodes are really the gifts that keep on giving, with each by now at least doubling in value. Pretty sweet, if you ask me.

Why do I get residuals? Because if it weren't for me, there wouldn't have been a script. Without a script, you can't make a sitcom, and the studio and the network would have had nothing to sell to Nick at Nite, Sheboygan or Seoul. And if they're making money off of my work, well then I deserve to make money off of it too. That's why I'm a member of the Writer's Guild. They negotiated my minimum basic agreement and got me those residual checks.

Why do I need residuals? Well, I haven't written anything that made any kind of money in more than a year. Thanks to residual checks, I can afford to keep writing and get myself to the next big project.

Simply put, residuals are great. But, when the WGA last negotiated our residuals, there was no such thing as a DVD, TiVo, broadband or iPods. There were video stores, of course, and plenty of people bought VHS copies of movies for their home libraries, but nobody in the industry seemed to think anyone would be interested in buying old episodes of silly sitcoms or other TV shows ever again. But it turns out, in 2007, people love buying old episodes of silly sitcoms. Even TV shows that got cancelled after one season are on the market today.

More than 20 years after I wrote my episodes of "Charles" and probably 10 years since anyone in the industrialized world has seen any of them, you can get 'em on Amazon for 22 bucks. The problem is, I don't see a penny that. And, for all the same reasons I get residuals for reruns, shouldn't I be getting a piece of the DVD, iTunes, etc. pie? I think so. It's only fair to me and to generations like me.

And so, until the suits gives me and my writer colleagues a piece of that pie, we're not going to write another sentence.

So, Brooklyn Gal, while I, too, would rather not be without The Office, I think you'd agree that the people most responsible for the show's comedic genius, the writers (the actors make the comedy work, but they can't do anything with a blank page), deserve their fair share, today, tomorrow, and for years to come.

**Thanks to Pamela Pettler for lending parts her identity to this hypothetical. I hope she gets her much-deserved residuals.

Story of the Week -- Oct 29-Nov 2

2007-11-02T14:03:00.000-05:00

On Strike

My cousin Herb insisted to my Dad that I would have to go on strike Monday. Insisted.

Thing is, I'm not a member of the Writer's Guild of America. Or any union. I don't get residual checks for anything I've written. My name doesn't appear in the credits of any major motion picture or TV show, and an IMDB search of my name says that I played myself in a 1999 episode of "Horizon"* Only that wasn't me, it was someone else with my name, and he didn't write anything for that show. So there is no possible way I could be on strike Monday. And I can't really believe anyone thought I would be.

Well, I can believe that Herb thought I would be.

So it's Monday now, and I am not on strike. It took me a while to write this, but I have no labor-related excuses. The Writers Guild of America is on strike, and the degree to which you or anyone outside the guild care is probably based on whether or not you depend on The Daily Show to keep you sane and/or alive. If you're like me, you can probably deal with the fact that The Late Show will be a rerun tonight. Some people won't even notice.

A NYC Transit strike this is not. But I can sum up in one word why you should care about the Writers Guild Strike and you should be praying they get back to work soon:

COPS.

"If it weren't for the (1988) strike, "Cops" might not be on the air today," said the show's producer Morgan Langley.

You may not remember there was a 22 week long strike in 1988, but you're suffering the consequences today. Without new episodes of "Married with Children" to show, Fox resorted to COPS and America's Most Wanted, two of the earliest reality TV shows. Those shows proved 2 things: people will watch anything, and writers are expendable. And if the latest strike lasts (which it could) get ready for more reality TV than you ever thought possible.

And if that happens, you shouldn't encourage it. Watch sports, watch the news, but don't watch "The Bachelor: Teen Edition" or "The Real Lord of the Flies" (actually, I think CBS is already doing that show...) Those shows are cheaper to produce as it is, and with the writers demanding more of the DVD and online share, you wouldn't want to encourage studios to cut out the WGA altogether.

So while I am not on strike, I do hope those who are on strike get their issues resolved soon and get back to work.

Here, read more: http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-networks5nov05,1,6311115.story?coll=la-headlines-business&ctrack=2&cset=true

*You're still wondering what the hell "Horizon" is, aren't you?
I dug further. It's a long-running BBC documentary series. So the other David Spiegel didn't so much play himself as, well, give an interview in a documentary for British Television.

Story of the Week - Oct 22-26

2007-10-26T08:46:00.000-05:00

Sunday Outrages

I was all set to write about this week's NFL venture in London. I was ready to write about how on Friday, the NFL was buried on the BBC sport website, taking a backseat to minor news about a minor team in the English Premiership that few American football fans have ever heard of. About how strangely the American game translates into English sport lingo, but you can read it for yourself.

But then, the fans in London surprised me. They filled the place, screamed and shouted their way through the rain-soaked mostly terrible display. And aside from booing the Giants for running out the last 2 minutes of the 4th quarter, acted as knowledgeable fans of the game. And who wants to see 2 minutes of kneeldowns anyway? Ok, aside from Giants fans who wanted to get the hell out of London before they blew one to the lowly Dolphins...

So my story of the week was spoiled until late Sunday night and early Monday morning, when I caught a double dose of intense outrage. And I'm sure I am not alone. Here are those 2 stories:

1. Another heckuva job

A number of agencies, governments and people earned high praise for their handling of this week's wildfires in California. The general consensus was this: Southern California was well-prepared to handle the disaster. This was not another Katrina.

The scene at San Diego, I mean...Jack Murphy, er... Qualcomm Stadium was one of organization, where volunteers outnumbered evacuees, kids were distracted with art projects and games, pets were pampered, and any and all comparisons to the scene at the Superdome post-Katrina were speedily (forgive me) extinguished.

Even FEMA was praised for its response.

Until they got in their own way.

Tuesday, FEMA held a press conference. Only, they sort of forgot to tell the press. But that didn't stop them from holding the conference. Without the press in attendence, FEMA planted staffers in the crowd to ask questions it "thought the press would ask."

QUESTION: Sir, there are a number of reports that people weren't heeding evacuation orders and that was hindering emergency responders. Can you speak a little to that, please?

QUESTION: Can you address a little bit what it means to have the president issue an emergency declaration, as opposed to a major disaster declaration? What does that (inaudible) for FEMA?

QUESTION: Sir, we understand the secretary and the administrator of FEMA are on their way out there. What is their objective? And is there anyone else traveling with them?

Question: I know you guys were appointed by President Bush, but are you really as stupid as you seem? I can't say it better than CBS' Bob Schieffer already has:

"Fire these people and the people who hired them and then explain to the new people that the best way for a disaster relief agency to get good publicity is to do a good job helping disaster victims."

It gets worse...

2. FOX BASHING!!

Thank you Fox, once again, for dashing my hopes of avoiding a 3rd straight week mentioning the freakin' Yankees. But I can't let this one slide. Why

Why??

Must you break the news about A-Rod opting out of his contract for next year when the 2007 season is 9 outs from over? Can we celebrate the end of one of the more exciting, engaging seasons in recent history (that happened to culminate with the most BORING World Series ever, but that's not the point) without having to talk about next season? Does "Wait til next year" mean anything to you?

6 outs away from sweeping their 2nd World Series in 4 years, and all Joe Buck, Tim McCarver and that total tool Ken Rosenthal (you're so cool, Ken...you have Scott Boras in your Blackberry!) can talk about is what the Red Sox are going to do about Mike Lowell next year and do they need A-Rod. NO! They don't need A-Rod, they're about to win their second World Series since he started playing for their arch-rival! Can we focus, please?

The World Series should be a celebration of the season that was, not the season to come. A-Rod can wait. Sometimes being first isn't as important as being good.

And while I'm at it, shame on the NY Post and the Daily News for thinking the A-Rod story was bigger than the World Series. It's not. Winning the World Series is the biggest on-the-field story of the season.

And shame on A-Rod and Scott Boras. Couldn't you two have waited for the offseason to officially arrive before you set off the biggest story of the offseason?

Oh crap. It's the offseason.

Well, at least the Giants are good. That was rather unexpected.

Jolly good show on the muddy pitch, chaps.

Starstruck

2007-10-26T08:01:00.000-05:00

I don't get starstruck often. I'm usually indifferent to seeing celebrities on the street, or at work or wherever. With a few exceptions, including this one:

Aaron Sorkin: You guys are brave to come out to an early preview, thanks a lot.
Me: You're welcome. It was great. We support our fellow Syracuse grads. (that was my in)
Sorkin: (shakes my hand) Oh, really? that's great, all of you? When?
Me: '05
Sorkin: (pauses)
Me: sorry.
Sorkin: (laughs) I graduated from that place 150 years ago. Is it still cold there?
Me: Probably.
Sorkin: (on his way out the door) I don't think they've won a football game since I graduated. Well...Louisville. At least we have that. (Exits)
Me: ok...that made my week...

Story of the Week -- Oct 15-19

2007-10-19T13:28:00.000-05:00

History of the Week.

I didn't want to do a sports story two weeks in a row. I REALLY didn't want to do a story about the New York Yankees two weeks in a row. And then I found this out:

What happened to Joe Torre has happened before.

Yep, and in eerily similar circumstances. 47 years ago yesterday, The Yankees announced the resignation/firing/gently nudging out the door of Casey Stengel. Stengel managed the Yankees for 12 years, winning 10 American League pennants and 7 World Series over that span. He was ousted mere days after the Yankees lost the world series on a dramatic game 7 walk-off Home Run off the bat of Pirates' second baseman Bill Mazeroski.

So there is truth to the adage that history repeats itself. And strangely enough, as I discovered, history often repeats itself with an ironic flair for anniversaries. Here are some events that happened this past week, past and present (with some help from the New York Times):

Wednesday, Turkey essentially declared war on the Kurds in northern Iraq. It was just five years ago this week that the United States essentially did the same. President Bush signed the congressional resolution authorizing war with Iraq on October 16, 2002 (of course we didn't invade until March of '03). While Tuesday marked the anniversary of the beginning of a war, Friday marked the anniversary of wars coming to an end. It was on October 19, 1951 that President Truman brought a formal end to the state of war with Germany, when I can only assume the U.S. decided a country struggling to feed itself probably wasn't a threat anymore. It was also on October 19, this time in 1781, that the British surrendered to the Continental Army at Yorktown, VA, bringing an unofficial end to the Revolutionary War.

That came 4 years and 2 days after the Americans won the battle of Saratoga, a turning point in the war, on October 17, 1777.

George W. Bush is well-known for his repetition of key phrases and talking points. This week he repeated history when he announced new sanctions against the government of Myanmar. I doubt the President knows this, but he imposed those sanctions 47 years to the day after the U.S. imposed its still-standing embargo on exports to Cuba on October 19, 1960.

The Fox Business Channel attempted a historical repeat on Monday. Rupert Murdoch's latest venture launched on Monday to, well, can we say mixed reviews? The Times called it "perky", is that good or bad? And I have to say, I'm over the naked cowboy. Over it. As in, not at all interested in an extended feature interview. So I can't say Fox went the distance in repeating history, but it was quick to point out that it was launching 56 years to the day after "I Love Lucy" premiered on CBS. "I Love Lucy" was, of course, funny on purpose. Fox Biz I'd call laughable. I'd also change the channel, quickly.

In Fox's case, I'm guessing the new network won't likely find itself on the same page in history as "Lucy", or even in the same book. And we can hope that the Myanmar sanctions are lifted soon, because that will mean oppressive regime there will ease up or collapse, both of which can't happen soon enough. We can further hope that Turkey doesn't go on to follow in our footsteps and exacerbate the Iraqi quagmire by actually invading the North. Take it from us, Turkey, you don't want to do that.

And as for Torre following in Stengel's footsteps...he probably doesn't want to do that either. Less than two years after being forced out of the Bronx, Casey took a job across the river, managing the expansion Mets. Lovable (and senile) as he was, he wasn't quite as successful. The Mets were 175-404 with Stengel at the helm.

Sometimes history isn't worth repeating.

Story of the Week -- Oct 8-12

2007-10-12T12:53:00.000-05:00

More Reasons Why I Hate the Yankees

I hate the Yankees.

I hate that in spite of the fact the Cleveland Indians had a better record during the regular season, won their division and had home field advantage, their dominating 3-1 series win was considered an "upset." The Indians had better starting pitching, a better bullpen, and better clutch hitting than the Yankees. Overall, they are a better team. What about this is an upset?

I hate that no Yankees fan appreciates the fact that his team was dead in the water as late as June, that they had to dig up pitchers out of their minor league system, relying on the likes of Joba Chamberlain and Phil Hughes to come up consistently in big spots and get outs for months in order to charge back and take the wild card, to almost win the division. I hate that they don't appreciate that because they ultimately lost to a better team in the Division Series. I hate that they don't look at this season as a success. Or last season, or the season before that.

On the other hand, the uber-high expectations make it much easier to root against the Yankees. If a great comeback season followed by a postseason loss puts you into hysterics, then a successful season for me is any in which the Yankees don't win the World Series.

I hate that the Yankees made me root for the Arizona Diamondbacks in the 2001 World Series. I rooted hard in that series, at Syracuse, on a very social floor with a pack of Yankees fans screaming loudly against a pack of non-Yankees fans. And who was I rooting for?
The same team (and by same, I mean except for the stadium has a new name, the colors are totally different and the only person left from the '01 team is on the disabled list probably forever) whose fans put on a terrible display in Game 1 of the National League Championship Series against the Colorado Rockies last night. Arizona fans barely bought up all the tickets available for the first 2 games (On Wednesday, there were 20,000 unsold tickets. WHAT!!??). They hardly Diamondbacks fans are terrible, and I hate that for two weeks in October (and November, remember that?) I was one of them.

I hate the Yankees for even considering firing a manger who has done nothing but win. In 12 seasons, Joe Torre has led the Yankees to the playoffs...12 times. He's won 4 World Series, 6 American League Championships and 11 Division Titles. Let the guy leave when he wants to leave.

For that matter, give the best closer in the history of baseball and arguably the best player in the history of baseball whatever they want.

I hate the Yankees and their fans for almost completely ignoring the season the Alex Rodriguez had (.314 avg, 54 HR, 156 RBI, 143 runs scored) because he went 4-15 in the 4 playoff games. While at the same time they exalt Derek Jeter no matter what he does, even if he goes 2-16 in those same playoff games.

I hope they lose A-Rod. I hope he takes a pay cut and goes to Pittsburgh and takes down the Yankees Mazeroski style.

And finally, I hate the Yankees because even though they've been eliminated from the playoffs, Tim McCarver will continue to find ways to squeeze them into the broadcast, while FOX executives weep about the very real possibility of a Cleveland-Colorado World Series, one that might actually be a well-played grind-it-out seven gamer that people will be talking about for years.

If only they'd watch. And they should, and so should you. Because it's easier to watch the playoffs when you don't have to hate.

And sometimes, it's like this

2007-10-08T14:51:00.000-05:00

Me: we're doing the fortune cookie story.
JB: Oh cool.
me: this is from the company's website, first of all.
"Wonton Food Inc. is the world's largest manufacturer of Noodles, Wrappers, and Fortune Cookies in the United States."
JB: HAHA
awesome
me: yes, anyway, it's our kicker story for closing bell and we got video somehow
JB: that's awesome
when's it on?
me: we hit air sometime between 3:55 and 4
JB: cool
me: we're right after "mascot race" and "waffle eating contest"
JB: ....

me: it's a slow news day...

Chain Post

2007-10-06T12:36:00.000-05:00

My friend BrookLyn GaL sent me this and I'm supposed to write an answer and ask 5 more bloggers to do the same, and then...I don't know something happens. And if I don't find 5 other bloggers to answer the question, then....I don't know, something else happens? So anyway, if you're reading this, and you keep a blog, then do this and tell me, and I'll link you on here. Cause everyone likes it when something happens. Ok, enough. Here's the thing:

TO DO: List 5 things that certain people (who are not deserving of being your friend anyway) may consider to be "totally lame," but you are, despite the possible stigma, totally proud of. Own it. Tag 5 others.

1. I can recite the United States alphabetically, the U.S. Presidents in order, and I'm working on the line of succession of British Monarchs (from William the Conqueror to Elizabeth II, with all those Henrys (8) and Edwards (8) in between)

2. In spite of the fact that I work at the New York Stock Exchange and wear a suit like a grown up, I still pack a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, an apple, and chips in a brown bag for lunch nearly every day. And I love it.

3. I sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at every seventh inning stretch of every baseball game I go to. And my brother and I have a special way of doing it that's the same every game. (None of which helped this year, by the way. I attended 16 games at Shea Stadium this season. The Mets' record in those games: 5-11.)

4. I keep a Mets schedule in my planner, and I keep track of every game I go to throughout the season.

5. I love to fold laundry.

All right, fine BrookLyn GaL, 5 random bloggers: Helen at Good Morning Internet , Distracted Spunk, Jon Elliott, Laura Farrell and 27 cents and anyone else who cares to do it, go ahead.

Story of the Week -- Oct. 1-5

2007-10-05T09:56:00.000-05:00

The Foxhole

The view from my perch above the trading floor of the New York Stock Exchange was altered under cover of night last week. 2 weeks before the self-proclaimed "most powerful name in news" alters the television landscape, they made some improvements (ahem) to the trading floor.

What appeared below, within sure-shot sniper range, is what we are calling "The Foxhole" - a 6 by 4 box squeezed in between a couple of trading posts, an omen that says quite clearly -- Rupert is here.

A few months ago, Rupert Murdoch completed a hostile takeover of Dow Jones. He spent $5 billion on the company, but what he really wanted was the company's crown jewel - The Wall Street Journal. And he got it. And just in time for the launch of the Fox Business Channel. Coincidence? Hardly.

Fox Biz isn't in competition with our business news coverage at all. We're a guppy. They want the Blue Whale -- CNBC. The people I've talked to at CNBC don't seem threatened, but the appearance of the Foxhole can't be comforting.

But it can be mocked. How cute, they're on the floor, in a studio the size of a small bedroom closet. They can look right up into our booth, which is twice the size. Or they can look up at CNBC's studio that practically says "we're the best, don't mess with us." That's adorable, Fox Biz. Now good luck.

Actually, Rupert scares the hell out of me. The Foxhole feels like the first tentacle of the NewsCorp monster, coming in to suck up another sphere of influence and foxify it. The Foxhole can only be the beginning.

BUT...while the monster moved in on Wall Street, it was relinquishing some of its influence in a far more important domain (for me, anyway) - baseball. How nice, for this first round of the playoffs, to have no Jeannie Zelasko, no Kevin Kennedy, no miked bases, stupid graphics, even stupider noises, overdramatized, overdone crowd shots, or uncomfortable up-the-nose pitcher closeups. TBS has taken the baseball playoffs, and simplified. And for a real baseball fan, it's awesome. (also helps that the Phillies are in an 0-2 hole and the Yankees got clobbered) I enjoy watching, instead of endure watching.

Now that I see again what baseball coverage can be, I'm dreading the ALCS and World Series, to be aired by the evil empire. I don't look forward to the shameless network tie-ins, overproduced player promos, wayyyyyy too much music, Tim McCarver, and endless commercials for the Fox Business Channel.

New policy - fear the foxhole, bash the FOX. Get ready.

Story of the Week -- Sept. 24-28

2007-09-28T07:24:00.000-05:00

Choke Hold

Before this week, this is what I knew about Myanmar:

It used to be called Burma

It's near Thailand and Cambodia

On Seinfeld, Mr. Peterman went there.

I was idly talking about my job with some people over bagels and coffee last Saturday night, and one of our break fast guests said

"Do you know if they're looking for freelancers to cover the protests in Myanmar?"

--"there are protests in Myanmar?"

"For like a month now."

--"wow. Well, I'm sure we have someone there."

Silly me. I've learned a lot this week. First of all, we don't have someone in Myanmar. Nobody has anybody in Myanmar.

Here's what I know about Myanmar now: it's home to one of the most, if not the most, secretive, oppressive and brutal regimes in the world. There is no such thing as free speech, or free anything for that matter. There are no western journalists allowed. In 1988, a protest was crushed by the Military government, which has very little problem with killing its own citizens and at the same time calling itself the "people's army." The government is holding a Nobel Peace the daughter of a pro-democracy leader, and a leader and Nobel Peace Laureate in her own right under house arrest. It's rich in natural gas and other resources. It has a lot of Buddhist monks.

This week, those revered, nonviolent monks took to the streets to bolster an ongoing movement that began as a protest over rising fuel costs. The protest ballooned to an estimated 100,000 people and finally caught the attention of the global media, which of course can't get anyone into the country.

So they improvised, and in one of the most fascinating displays of journalistic determination I've ever seen, the media has pieced together diplomatic correspondence, undercover reports, and hidden forays across the Thai border to try to show the world just what's happening on the ground in Myanmar.

What the world is seeing isn't good. At least nine people are dead, but that's what the government of Myanmar is saying, and some reports say there could be many more. Essentially, the army has the guns, the protesters don't. And yet, the government is clearly operating in fear of the protesters. While the government has quieted rebellions before, it never has had to do so in the Internet age.

The government of Myanmar is terrified of the Internet, and somehow people inside Myanmar are getting photos and videos on to the Internet at an increasingly faster pace. One blogger is living in England and stays up all night receiving information and photos from friends and friends of friends in Myanmar and posts the latest on his blog. And even though the government shut down Internet access on Friday across the country, the news is still getting out, and the blogger is still posting.

The hands of governments around the world are tied. This week was U.N week in New York, and country after country issued proclamations of contempt and statements of concern. But that's as if you're getting beat up at school, and the principal yells at your assailant from across the room "Hey! You shouldn't do that!" The only way these protesters will win is if they can somehow find a way to keep going, knowing full well that their government has all the guns and all the power.

They've kept going, though, because what choice do they have? And their support isn't coming from foreign governments or international peacekeeping forces - it's coming from ordinary people who can't possibly fathom what it's like to live there. And they're all working to shine a light on one of the darkest corners of the world.

Thanks to them, I know a lot more about Myanmar. And they need our help.

More:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/09/30/plate.myanmar/index.html#cnnSTCText

http://www.ajws.org/index.cfm?section_id=8

http://www.avaaz.org/en/stand_with_burma/

http://www.mizzima.com/

A Post About Nothing

2007-09-17T12:49:00.000-05:00

No, that's not a clever Seinfeld tie-in title, this really is a post about nothing. Why? I feel like it, deal with it. You know what they say...

It was a short week last week because of Rosh Hashana, so I missed the "time to write a story of the week" bus, and if you think about it you're probably grateful because the last one was a 1 minute fake commercial dialogue about a story that really doesn't impact your life unless you were one of those shmoes who bought an iPhone you know what?

I'm sick of the iPhone. No, see this is a post about nothing. Nothing at all. I was going to talk about how we don't use the word "kerfuffle" enough, but that's about as far as I got on that idea. Too much of a kerfuffle. A whole big stinkin' kerfuffle. The hebrew word for kerfuffle is "balagan." And that's about all I had for that post.

By now I should be calling this foofaraw, and if you've read my blog regularly (both of you) you know what that is and that this is probably it. Foofaraw, kerfuffle, jinkerteeslitz, whatever you want to call it. I made the third one up because you can't just have two, and hoopla is a stupid word. So is furthermore. "And furthermore..." he said, as the pole lodged in his buttocks shifted ever so slightly... makes people sound like douche bags.

speaking of which...

no. I won't go there. I don't have anything to go there with anyway.

Oh, if you're trying to figure out just what it is "they say" (paragraph 1), don't. They don't say anything. You know what they say....

You know what they say? Me neither.

Story of the Week -- Sept 3-7

2007-09-07T12:56:00.000-05:00

iFraud

Mac: hello I'm a Mac
PC: and I'm a PC. Whoa, Mac, what happened to you?
Mac: Had a little accident.
PC: really? I thought you had the anti trip plug. I thought you were indestructible. Is that a scratch on your screen?
Mac: please, don't touch it.
PC: an accident?
Mac: ok, fine. my owner threw me on the floor in protest. he tried to kill me.
PC: oh my goodness, why?
Mac: he found out that Apple cut the price of the iPhone. By $200. (coughs)
PC: that doesn't sound good.
Mac: i think my exhaust fan is broken. (cough)
PC: Isn't a price cut a good thing?
Mac: no. He already has an iPhone. He waited in the rain for two days to get it and he paid $600. so now he's a little upset with Apple.
PC: and he took it out on you
Mac: yeah
PC: wow. my owner has a Blackberry. He uses it for business.
Mac: don't rub it in.
PC: well, you're always all "hey I'm a mac, I'm great. I'm so cool, check it out..."
Mac: I don't sound like that. (coughs)
PC: come on. let's go call tech support.
Mac: Do I?
PC: It's all right, Microsoft cut the price of the Zune. I'm sure somebody took a hit for that.
Mac: What's a Zune?
PC: I don't know. I have an iPod.

Story of the Week -- Aug 27-31

2007-09-01T09:51:00.000-05:00

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

You know how I know you're gay?

You're an ultra-conservative Senator from Idaho with a wife, kids, and grandkids and yet you still feel the urge to solicit strange men for sex in airport bathrooms.

That's pretty gay.

Actually, it's so gay that calling it gay is an insult to gay people. Because men who like that they're gay and know that they're gay go to gay bars and Celine Dion concerts to find other gay men and they go home and have sex with them like normal people.

But Senator Larry Craig doesn't like the fact that he's gay. He tried to hide it with a loving wife, a family, grandchildren. And still, he couldn't resist the occasional romp in an airport bathroom.(we can only guess) Listening to the tape and reading the police report, the evidence is pretty clear - Craig was caught red-handed and then made stuff up like and eight year old with a hand in the cookie jar and chocolate on his face.

Ooh, sorry. Bad imagery.

Anyway, a while back I wrote about Rev. Ted Haggard. A male prostitute in Colorado said he slept with the evangelical leader on a number of occasions. Haggard went to "gay rehab" and in 3 weeks was "cured of his gayness." I opined then, and I still believe, that maybe if Haggard had been allowed to be gay none of this would happen. Same goes for Craig. Who's to say the people of Idaho don't elect a gay congressman? Or at least, a single congressman they suspect to be gay?

Craig's fatal flaw is the hypocrisy. Not only does he have the beard family, he has the beard congressional record. He was one of the most conservative Senators. He voted in favor of a constitutional ban on gay marriage and spoke out against gay rights at every opportunity. This guy takes shame and self-loathing to the highest degree. Then he has the balls to say "I'm not gay. I've never been gay," after he literally gets caught with his pants down.

And he's supposedly a good guy, a good representative of the state of Idaho. He's served well and been re-elected twice. I don't like his politics, but other than that, I never remember having anything against him. In fact, I'd never heard of him. Now that he resigned, I feel a little bad for him. A little.

Why? Because, sadly, there are more Larry Craigs out there (nice to see you again, Mr. McGreevy, how's your wife? Ohhhh....). People like Craig are brought up being told that who they are is wrong and that they should be ashamed, so they cover it up, bury it deep down. Until it springs a leak elsewhere. Maybe, just maybe, if these people weren't ashamed of themselves, they could be the good politicians they're capable of being, and they could leave the sex scandals to their deviant, corrupt, perverted hetero colleagues.

What Craig did is gross, it's shameful, and it's not something I'd like to see happen in any airport bathroom I visit. But it never had to happen, if only the senator was allowed to be himself.

Foofaraw - Or what I've learned so far this week (and it's only Wednesday!)

2007-08-29T08:55:00.000-05:00

Here's what I've learned so far this week:

Teleprompters only malfunction when your anchor is live on the air.
Time Warner Cable sucks. Sucks beyond belief, actually. At work, the cable was out for a whole day, an entire day cut off from our own air because the cable company owned by the same people who pay my salary can't figure out how to get service to us for an entire day. At home, the DVR just decides to stop recording things in the middle (if it records them at all) and sometimes, when you change the channel, all you get is a blank screen. Sucks. They suck. And they know they suck, so they stock their call centers with double-digit IQs who call you "Mr. David" and treat you like a ping pong ball. Sucks.
When you have to say publicly "I'm not gay. I've never been gay" --- you're gay. (more on this to come)

Story of the Week -- August 20-24

2007-08-24T09:15:00.000-05:00

Diary of a Baltimore Oriole

Wednesday, August 22

Dear Diary:

I'm feeling a little sad today.

My team, the Orioles, had a double-header today against the Rangers. It should have been a good day for me. I mean, two games, I'm bound to get some action today.

Since I came back in June from 4 complicated hip surgeries and 3 years out of baseball, I haven't been terrible. I haven't been great, 30 hits and 21 walks in 24 innings isn't so hot, but we stink and really I'm just happy to be pitching. Or I was.

So game one starts and we look good. I mean we've got a one run lead before I've made the trip out to the bullpen from the clubhouse. And by the time I settle in with the rest of the guys, we've made it 3-0.

A couple of timely hits by the Rangers makes it 3-2 in the top of the fourth and Leo doesn't like what he's seeing, so he goes to the mound and talks to our starter, Daniel Cabrera. He's young, gets rattled, but I think he's got good stuff. But Leo leaves and Danny can't find the strike zone against Ramon Vazquez and he grooves a 2-0 pitch. 3 run homer, 5 run inning and it's 5-3. But Cabby gets the next two and pitches a scoreless fifth. Nice bounce back.

Still, he had thrown a lot of pitches, so our guys started to get ready. And when Jarrod Saltalamacchia led off the sixth with a home run, Brian Burres was brought in for relief. Not so much, though. Poor Brian, he just couldn't get anybody out. A grand slam made it 10-3, and four more crossed home before he came out of the game. And the sixth inning still wasn't over.

I was itching to get in to this game and stop the bleeding. I've got a streak of 3 scoreless innings going, but I haven't pitched in 5 days. Today could be a real chance to keep the streak going, in a pressure-free outing. But they leave in Rob Bell to start the 8th, and he's earned it after ending the disastrous 6th and tossing a scoreless 7th.

Boy did that wear off quickly. the first 7 Rangers reach base, and 6 of them score, and I get the call to come put out the fire in a 20-3 game that is completely out of hand.

3 strikeouts in one inning is usually pretty good. I'm proud of myself for that. Not so proud of the 4 more runs sandwiched between those strikeouts though. It's a 10 run inning, and it's 24-3. For the ninth inning, I have one job to do - put us out of our misery. And I did, but not before I gave up (eesh) 6 more runs to these guys. And that's an American League record. 30-3. No team has scored 30 runs in a game since 1897. And 9 of them are charged to me. My ERA just jumped to 9.49. Maybe I shouldn't have come back after all.

Like I said, I'm feeling a little sad today.

I have to say, though, I admire our regular players. They got their butts whooped and then had to take a shower, change and go out and play a second game (we lost that one, too, 9-7)

Oh well. I'll do better next time. I can't do much worse.

Yours Truly,
Paul

More fun facts about this game:
The last team to score 30 or more runs in a game was the 1897 Chicago Colts, when they scored 36 in a game against Louisville.

The Rangers scored 26 runs in a game against the same Baltimore Orioles in 1996.

Rangers P Wes Littleton picked up his first save of the year in this game. According to the rule, a save is recorded when a pitcher pitches 3 or more innings to finish a game. So Littleton "saved" a 27 run lead for Texas. To be fair, when he entered the game, they were only up by 11.

The Rangers hit 6 home runs in the game, including 2 grand slams. Strangely enough, there were only 2 doubles.

Story of the Week -- Aug 6-10

2007-08-10T09:09:00.000-05:00

No Style Points

NEWARK -- (AP) Three friends were forced to kneel against a wall behind an elementary school and were shot to death at close range, and a fourth was found about 30 feet away with gunshot and knife wounds to her head, police said.

Hmm, if only there was a word that could sum up this horrific tragedy:

Three victims, two males and a female, were shot to death execution style around 11:30 p.m. Saturday on steps behind Mount Vernon School in the city's Vailsburg section...

N.J. Police Seek Clues To Execution-Style Shooting

AP/Jennnifer Brown Police in Newark, NJ, said this morning that no arrests were made overnight in the execution-style shooting that left three dead, ...

"This appears to have been an execution-style type of murder," said a spokesman for the Essex County prosecutor...

They were made to kneel before they were shot execution style...

Newark police don't have a motive or any suspects in an execution-style shooting that left 3 friends dead...

By the time they arrived, three of the four young students were already dead, shot execution style in the back of the head...

Three pals shot execution-style behind Newark school

Police say they were lined up and shot execution style....

While police continue to await the recovery of the sole survivor of Saturday night's execution-style shootings outside of a Newark elementary ... *

I'm sorry, how did they die?

Elocution-style? They were forced to speak perfectly until they passed out?

By the way, I'm not making light of this tragedy, my beef is with the media buzz word. I heard the phrase "execution-style" so much this week that I don't know what it means anymore. You know what? Three teenagers were forced to kneel down on hot asphalt and then were shot from point-blank range in the back of the head. There's no style involved. The buzz word reduces the act to something you hear on "Iron Chef":

"The lobster is prepared execution-style, and I've put it on a bed of arugula and alfalfa sprouts..."

"Triple Homicide and assault with a deadly weapon" doesn't get the point across? "Triple murder" not good enough? How about some alliteration: "schoolyard shootings" "cold-blooded killings"? What caused the media to grab on to "execution-style" and never let go?
The lack of creativity and variation cheapens the incident, makes it seem like these are just three more Newark murders to go along with the other 60 or so this year. It makes it sound as ridiculous as Newark mayor Corey Booker sounds when he says the murder rate is down this year because it's not over 100.

I think it's time to go with another phrase for a while. Time to take "execution style" out back and shoot it. But how?

*all above story pieces came from various news outlets via Google News

Story of the Week -- July 30 - Aug 3

2007-08-03T11:18:00.000-05:00

Left Behind

I was clicking around aimlessly on Facebook, going through random profiles, like most of us do when there's downtime at work and you've read all the blogs you can stand, and I came across the profile of someone from camp who is on staff this year. And under jobs it said "counsler".

There are, I think, four things you should be able to, no matter, what, spell correctly: your name, your address, the name of your school or place of business, and your job title. Certainly, I hate to see his resume some day.

But that's not what bothered me. What bothered me is what happened when I clicked the word "counsler" and up came a list of almost forty people who were "counslers." And that got me thinking.

The debate re-opened this week on a little piece of Republican wunder-legislation called No Child Left Behind. And I think it's pretty clear: shit's not working.

Actually, children aren't left behind per se.

Of the 40 or so people who listed that they are or were once "counslers", (and these are completely unscientific and mostly meaningless numbers) 10 of them are high school graduates, at least 8 of them are in college, 3 are college graduates and at least 1 made it into graduate school. One of them, sad to say, graduated from my alma mater. So it seems in this country, we are dragging everyone along whether they are ready or not. Can't spell? Can't read? doesn't matter, we need the federal funding, so you pass.

That is the main beef with NCLB. The law places too much emphasis on math and reading test scores and then penalizes schools that score poorly. Shouldn't it be the opposite? But then, that penalizes schools who do well, doesn't it? So then, who's being left where?

Congressman George Miller (D-CA), chairman of the House education committee, is trying to rewrite NCLB and change the measures for achievement that determine the level of funding. Mostly, he's trying to take the emphasis away from the tests. He wants a law that makes sense, that focuses on more than just Math and Reading, and that actually holds schools accountable and you know, doesn't leave anyone behind, literally more than symbolically.

But the Republicans will have none of that. They'd like everything to stay the way it is. (Sound familiar?) As the Bush administration continues to be one of "if it's broken, pretend like it ain't."

“Throughout our schools and communities, the American people have a very strong sense that the No Child Left Behind Act is not fair. That it is not flexible. And that it is not funded. And they are not wrong.” said Miller. And Republicans say any attempt to change the bill will ruin the reauthorization.

Now you're saying something! Throw out NCLB. It's a stupid law and it doesn't work. All it does is force schools to fudge test results, force teachers to teach to state tests rather than teach a wide and creative curriculum, and it drags kids up grade by grade who aren't ready. If you finish second grade, but you can't read, you need to go do second grade again. If you're old enough to be a camp counselor, and you can't spell camp counselor, somewhere along the way, you got left behind.

Assuming you weren't left behind, read on.

Ok, Time for some Foofaraw

2007-08-01T09:52:00.000-05:00

In case you're just tuning in:

Foofaraw -- n. a great fuss or disturbance about something very insignificant

Here we go:

I can't help feeling today like I was "that guy" on the train and, worse, "that guy" on the Subway and in the Subway station. You know, that guy who schleps on a ton of luggage, takes up extra seats, clogs up the turnstiles, stops at the bottom of the stairs to pick up his inordinately heavy bag. You know, that guy. Normally, I hate that guy. But today, I was that guy.

See, I'm moving on Saturday but my lease starts today, so I schlepped in a suitcase and an air mattress for my first night in the new apartment. But that meant commuting in with all that stuff. And it meant getting slightly stuck in a subway turnstile, taking up an extra seat or general area in the subway car, then pausing ever so slightly to pick up my inordinately heavy rolling suitcase to climb up the stairs.

So if I held you up today by being that guy, I'm sorry. I'm fully aware of my transgression, but it was unavoidable. Oh what's the difference, you're not reading this anyway...

*************************************************************************

Looking for somebody, anybody, who either has used or knows someone who has used or bought HeadOn. Did you apply directly to the forehead? Did it work? I have to know.

Then again, I could watch the commercials over and over until I give myself a headache and try it for myself.

*************************************************************************
Today my co-worker told me that male sharks have two penises, and nobody knows exactly why.

*************************************************************************

The following is a transcript of the monologue from what I think might be the most overlooked commercial ever:

(internal monologue) wait a minute!
This feels all wrong. Just because they're doing it doesn't mean I have to.
Why eat a hamburger made from frozen beef? It'll be all dry!
Instead of fresh. And juicy.
Frozen hamburger? This is ridiculous!

(out loud) I deserve a hot...juicy burger.
That's right, you heard me! I deserve a hot juicy burger.
And not because I can tear a phone book with my bare hands! No!
I deserve a hot juicy burger because I have a mouth, and it wants one.
And so do you.

And so do you!

Hot juicy burger!

Hot juicy burger!

Hot juicy burger!

Hot juicy burger!

Genius.

Story of the Week -- July 23-27

2007-07-27T10:08:00.000-05:00

Welcome, readers of http://www.crooksandliars.com/! And thanks for including me as the second "E" in that impeachment acrostic and for spreading that all over.

Welcome to The Full Circle. Stay a while, read some stuff, write some comments, offer me a column or a book deal. You know, whatever you want...

Here's the story of the week.

Stop Everything! Beyonce fell down!

This is not news. It's a non-story. It will make you a more informed citizen. This is not something you need to know.

But it's fuckin' hilarious.

"Beyonce falls down at concert in Orlando." This headline garners two reactions:

1. So what?

2. Can I see?

And thanks to cell phone cameras, YouTube and the 24 Hour news beast (including my esteemed employer), you can see it over and over and over and over again, and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Well, at least until Beyonce's peeps figured out a way to get it off the web. and they did, citing copyright restrictions and cruelty to really hot pop divas.

This is how the story should have been told: "Oh my God, yo, my friend was at the Beyonce concert last night, and so dude, he said she was doin' some song and wearin' these ridiculous shoes and she trips and totally eats it, like a freakin' forward roll. Dude I heard it was hilarious." Because essentially, the mainstream news media was just helping to spread gossip. It's not a story.

The only reason it even makes the news is because some shlub who was recording the Beyonce concert on his cell phone so he could go home and relive the experience in poor quality on a one inch screen was at the right place at the right time, with the camera just high enough above the crowd to catch a glimpse of Beyonce when she suddenly took a remarkable tumble. And that same shlub went home and put the thing on YouTube.

We need new rules about YouTube (somebody call Bill Maher). The first should be: It's not important just because a million people watch it. And the second: It's not a phenomenon anymore when somebody "happens to catch something on his cell phone camera" and then it goes viral on the Internet.

It doesn't mean I didn't watch the video six or seven times. I mean, it was funny. She's dancing, head-banging and stuff and then she catches a heel, does a full flip down six or seven steps. Then..then! She begs her fans NOT to post it on YouTube. Hahahahahahaha! Yeah, right! Like that's gonna happen.

Without video like this, there probably wouldn't be a YouTube, or it wouldn't be as successful. Late night talk show hosts would have a little less material to work with. And America's Funniest Home Videos wouldn't exist.

But we'd still have news. Beyonce falling down is not news. Well, unless you're a chiropractor, apparently:

"It's been said that it's all fun and games until someone
gets hurt, and then it's hysterical. There's nothing funny about having symptoms
and conditions that could have possibly been avoided with a thorough
chiropractic checkup and a follow-up with the appropriate chiropractic
care.

Hey! Put down your cell phone and get that poor diva a chiropractor!
http://www.planetc1.com/cgi-bin/n/v.cgi?c=1&id=1185517622.

Two other stories that are better and more newsworthy than Beyonce falling down:

First, Ok, well this isn't news yet but it could be. And before I go on...I hate the Yankees.

There. Now, Alex Rodriguez hit his 499th career home run this week in Kansas City. But it could have been his 500th home run.

Tonight, the Yankees will play the remainder of a game against the Baltimore Orioles that was suspended on June 28th due to rain. They will restart the game in the 8th inning, with Derek Jeter on second base, Hideki Matsui at bat and A-Rod on deck.

All stats recorded will count for June 28th. So if A-Rod homers, technically, that home run is #493 and the one he hit on Wednesday is #500.

This same bizarre technicality affected Barry Bonds in his rookie season. The Pirates played the conclusion of a suspended game in August. Barry made his ML debut in May of that season, but he won the suspended game with an RBI single. So, technically, Barry Bonds got his first major league hit before he was called up to the major leagues. Or, he got it after he already had 50 ML hits and 10 home runs.

Confused?? Read this: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/27/sports/baseball/27homerun.html?_r=1&ref=sports&oref=slogin

And perhaps the most important story this week, they have finally chosen a successor for Bob Barker, and it's Drew Carey. Not sure how I feel, in a "could be good, could be bad" sort of way.

When Rod Roddy died, I thought I'd never get used to another announcer's voice, but the new guy (whose name I don't know) is pretty good. I'm not expecting Drew to be exactly like Bob. They're definitely different people. But if Carey is light on shtick and just hosts the show and interacts with people and tries to be himself, he could be a good fit.

But those are some pretty big shoes to fill. Just like no Denver Broncos quarterback will ever measure up to John Elway, and no Chicago Bull can ever be Michael Jordan, etc etc, for millions of people, nobody can be the next Bob Barker.

Why you might not see Dubya at Killington anytime soon

2007-07-24T07:44:00.000-05:00

The following is a list of cities and towns across the U.S. that have passed resolutions calling for the impeachment of President Bush and Vice President Cheney:

Amherst, MA
Arcata, CA
Ashfield, MA
Berkeley, CA
Brattleboro, VT
Bristol, VT
Brookfield, VT
Brookline, MA
Buckland, MA
Burke, VT
Calais, VT
Cambridge, MA
Carrboro, NC
Colrain, MA
Craftsbury, VT
Chapel Hill, NC
Detroit, MI
Dummerston, VT
East Montpelier, VT
Fairfax, CA
Ferndale, MI
Grafton, VT
Great Barrington, MA
Greensboro, VT
Guilford, VT
Hanover, NH
Hartland, VT
Heath, MA
Ithaca, NY
Jamaica, VT
Jericho, VT
Johnson, VT
Lanesborough, MA
Leverett, MA
Leyden, MA
Marlboro, VT
Middlebury, VT
Middletown, NY
Montague, MA
Montpelier, VT
Montgomery, VT
Morristown, VT
Newbury, VT
Newfane, VT
New Paltz, NY
Northampton, MA
Nyack, NY
Oberlin, OH
Olympia, WA
Peru, VT
Plainfield, VT
Plattsburg, NY
Putney, VT
Richmond, VT
Rochester, VT
Rockingham, VT
Rowe, MA
Roxbury, VT
San Francisco, CA
Santa Cruz, CA (twice)
Sebastopol, CA
Shutesbury, MA
Springfield, VT
Stannard, VT
Stockbridge, MA
Sunderland, VT
Takoma Park, MD
Telluride, CO
Tompkins County, NY
Townshend, VT
Tunbridge, VT
Urbana, IL
Vershire, VT
Warwick, MA
Wendell, MA
West Hollywood, CA
Westminster, VT
Whately, MA
Wilmington, VT
Woodbury, VT
Woodstock, NY

In the interest of being fair and balanced: you may notice a disproportionate number of towns in Vermont on this list. That might be because Vermont is the only state whose state legislature has passed a resolution of its own (several other states have introduced resolutions that did not pass) And this list comes from predominately democratic places. Fair enough, but these resolutions shouldn't be about partisanship. They are about removing from office the worst administration we've ever had. And actually, it would only make more sense if Republicans would be working to oust Bush in order to restore the integrity of their party, which at this point has none.

The most recent city to pass a resolution is West Hollywood, CA, which did so unanimously.

The list is encouraging, but it should be 2 or 3 or 8 times as long. Maybe then, Congress will take a cue from the Vermont State Legislature.

http://impeachpac.org/resolutions-list#Cities/Towns/Counties

Story of the Week -- July 16-20

2007-07-20T13:12:00.000-05:00

14,000

It's 6am and I'm standing in the middle of an empty trading floor at the New York Stock Exchange. And that's just weird. I have nothing to do, either. I mean, I am supposed to be setting up a live shot for the morning show, but I already did that, so I'm just standing around trying not to touch anything and I dont know start another Great Depression or something.

And all because of a number. That's why I'm here. I'm here because, psychologically, we're obsessed with numbers with lots of zeros, and no threes or sixes. I'll explain.

Last Thursday, the Dow Jones Industrial average gained 283 points, to close at 13,861.73, a new record. Friday, the Dow closed at 13,907.25, another new record. Monday, it closed at 13,950 (say it with me now...) another new record. And what was the story? "Well, we're almost at 14,000. We're flirting with 14,000. OOh boy, here comes the next set of 3 zeros!"

Then came Tuesday, when we hit 14,000 sometime in the middle of the day, and there was no party, no ball dropping, no fireworks. Nothing. And then it went back below 14,000. Then back above. Then back below. And the people at my esteemed network went nuts. "If it closes above, it's a huge story! We need lots of live shots from the floor." And that's when they asked me if I could be on Wall Street in time for a 6 am update on Wednesday. Which would mean a 3:30 am wake up.

So I began mentally preparing myself for Wednesday morning, working with an anchor who barely knows me, doing things I've mostly never done before, in a setting that is intimidating to say the least. And they set it up for me, made all of the preliminary arrangements, told me where to be and when. And then it was 3:30, and the Dow was at 13,970 or something and I said "hey, do they still want all this if we don't hit 14,000?" Good question.

The answer? No. When the market closed at 4, the Dow was at 13, 971. And I was off the hook.

And lucky me, I only have to get up at 4:30. And I'm excited, because maybe we'll hit 14,000 while I'm actually there, and I'll get to hear all the cheers and see the inane excitement first hand.

Um...nope. Dow dropped 53, and I went home.

Fast forward to 4pm Thursday, the closing bell rings and the Dow is at 13,999. So close! And as the numbers settle, us business dorks are staring at the ticker like it's an odometer waiting for those nines to rollover. And then they do! And we close at 14,000.41. We close over 14,000 for the first time, and in dramatic, pallindromic fashion. Amazing.

The phone call I get on my way home is inevitable. Wheels in motion, 3:30 wake up. Be on Wall Street by 5:45. Updates at 6, 6:30, 7, etc. For what? 3 zeros. Big story.

As a baseball fan, I understand the numbers obsession. The 3,000th hit is bigger than the 2,999th. Because they are benchmarks. On the other hand, the 756th home run is a bigger deal because it breaks a record. So why didn't we do extra stuff last Thursday, when the Dow broke a record and went up almost 300 points? Where was the 3 am wake up call then?

No, instead, the big story comes, and it's me, getting a crash course in, I don't know, organized chaos or something, making sure my anchor gets seen around the world, so that everyone can watch us get all excited over a few zeros on the big board.

The real kick in the head, of course, is that the minute the market opened, the Dow went down 50 points and 14,000 was gone. So what's the moral of the story?

I don't know.

Dow Schmow. I'm tired.

Story of the Week -- July 9-13

2007-07-13T08:53:00.000-05:00

Toilet Talk

The news is awash with stories of washrooms this week, flush with joy over a throng of throne innovations and the latest in toilet technology, and of course - crappy puns.

The barrage of bathroom briefs began when health products giant Kimberly-Clark announced it was entering the "final frontier" of public restroom innovation:

Richard Thorne grins as he waves his hand under a toilet paper dispenser in a women's restroom. The machine spits five sheets of tissue into his grasp.
A year in the works, the electronic tissue dispenser is being rolled out to the masses by Kimberly-Clark Professional as it seeks to capture more of the $1 billion away-from-home toilet paper market. The company believes most people will be satisfied with five sheets -- and use 20 percent less toilet paper.

A $1 Billion away-from-home toilet paper market? THAT is some serious shit. Kimberly Clark is offering a completely touchless experience while at the same time cheating you out of toilet paper and paper towels and probably water and soap as well. Though, if you don't really touch anything, how much soap do you really need?

Richard Thorne also philosophized that people "take what they are given," so they'll be satisfied with 5 sheets. How do they know this? Well, through extensive market research of course. Man, where was I when they were signing up volunteers for that study? "Here, go do your thing, come back and tell us how much paper you used."

It's likely that on your next trip to the airport you'll come face to face with the washroom's final frontier. And hopefully all will go smoothly.

But if it doesn't, or if you don't trust the new machines, and if you just happen to be flying on Japan Airlines or All Nippon Airways (i know, it's a stretch - work with me here, I'm going for the transition) , you can hold it in and wait for the experience awaits you in the lavatory of a brand new Boeing 787 Dreamliner!

All Nippon Airways has teamed up with Boeing and TOTO Ltd of Japan to develop a brand new in-flight amenity - bidet toilets. TOTO adapted its trademark Washlet to withstand the rigors of long international flights while still providing the comforts of an at-home bidet (2/3 of Japanese households have bidet toilets, apparently they like a little extra over there...) The Washlet is operated by a side control panel that, according to ANA's executive VP, is "very accurate" and sprays in a number of different directions.

Just look how happy you can be when you use a bidet! http://www.cleanishappy.com/ I defer to a fellow blogger for more on this silly ass story.

(go ahead, look at the happy asses)

Are you back?

Ok, good, because I've got one more. See, maybe the bidet experience isn't quite what it's cracked up to be. Well, then, on your continued search for lavatorial nirvana, you should hop a flight to....Chonqing, China!

(I think I have a future writing Price is Right Showcases...)

That's right, Chonqing, where they are flush with pride over the opening of their new "porcelain palace" a garden of over 1,000 toilets and urinals spread out over 4 stories and 30,000 square feet.

"We are spreading toilet culture. People can listen to gentle music and watch TV," said Lu Xiaoqing, an official with the Yangrenjie, or "Foreigners Street," tourist area where the bathroom is. "After they use the bathroom they will be very, very happy."

At last! Bathroom bliss, and in a public restroom, no less, with a thousand of my very happy friends.

Ah.....many toilet stories, so little time to wonder why. But allow me for a minute. Why on earth does one need so much love in the loo? I mean, music, TV, how much time am I really going to be spending in the bathroom in China?

Then I found this: there's WHAT in these dumpings?? ohhhhh.....

How many channels does this crapper get?

Fox Bashing!

2007-07-11T08:24:00.000-05:00

I started this blog last December, which means my readers have yet to experience an October with me. However, those readers who know me know that October means time to bash Fox's baseball coverage!

This includes everything from cursing out Tim McCarver every time he squeezes a not-so-subtle Yankees reference into a game that doesn't involve the Yankees AT ALL, to calling for Jeannie Zelasko's death and dismemberment every time she makes a bad pun or offers an ill-informed and totally obvious "update". (You're gonna love October...)

Luckily (or not), October came early this year and Fox's All Star coverage was as sucky as ever. Here are just a few examples:

Eric Byrnes
The Diamondback's outfielder didn't make the All-Star roster, so instead he joined the Fox follies and took his spot in a kayak in McCovey Cove along with his glove and his bulldog. A seat in the cove seemed as hard to come by as a seat in the ballpark. Harder maybe. And that was funny to me, since not one baseball landed in the Cove during the game or during Monday's Home Run Derby. Maybe that's why Byrnes got out of the water around the 4th inning (perhaps suddenly realizing that AT&T Park is a pitcher's park, hmm?). Maybe he figured that if he's going to contribute zero substance to the game, he might as well be dry.
Not even the bulldog wanted to be out in the Cove with Byrnes. When Eric tossed a ball out into the water for the dog to fetch, the dog made a beeline for the Pacific Ocean.
Next year, I'm voting as many times as I can for Eric Byrnes to be an All-Star.

Information Overload
I understand that numbers are a huge part of baseball, and so I had certain expectations when I turned on the broadcast. It didn't bother me to hear how many all star games each player played in, what their stats were this year, etc. It's the unnecessary and/or painfully obvious offerings from Fox that irk me the most.
First came the graphic about Ken Griffey, Jr's standing on the all-time HR list. He has 586 career HR, so does Frank Robinson. What was the graphic? a picture of Griffey and a picture of Robinson. Under each: "586 HR, T-6th all time." Who's 5th? Don't know. Who's 7th? No idea.

Then, when Barry Bonds came to the plate for his second at bat, Fox decided to scroll his entire career underneath the score bar at the top of the screen. All you people talk about is Barry Bonds! This whole All Star Break has been about Barry Bonds! So now I finally get to see him up at bat, but I can't, cause all I can see is this stupid crawl about his lifetime on base percentage. Goddammit, Fox, is it so hard to talk about his numbers, or is McCarver too busy talking about how great Derek Jeter is at getting into ready position?

Stupid prepared packages
I don't mind so much that you have stuff prepared to introduce us to players we may not know, like Chase Utley and Prince Fielder. That's fine. EXCEPT -- show them while the players are still in the game! TWICE this happened:

"Orlando Hudson bats for the first time. The D-Back's second baseman came into the game for Chase Utley. And let's show you Utley's HP Dumbass Bio thingie. OOH! He likes to dance at weddings. Do you like to dance at weddings, Tim?"

(I was paraphrasing)

And Tim, I get it, you used to be a catcher. And catchers are Jesus.

OH MY GOD I HATE FOX!! MAKE IT STOP!!

And then, in the 9th Inning, Joe Buck forgot where he was: "...on this beautiful night in San Diego..."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

Ready for October?

Story of the Week - July 2-6

2007-07-04T10:10:00.000-05:00

Posting early this week, because I'm going away for a long weekend at camp.

Happy Birthday, USA

On this July 4th, I think it's time for Congress to do the patriotic thing. It's time to come together to draft articles of impeachment and remove President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney.

For their utter disregard for the other branches of government, system of checks and balances, criminal justice system, laws and Constitution of this country, they have to go. Time to have our first woman president, 18 months early. Time to restore America's faith in itself, and the world's faith in America.

That's all I can say. I can't remember getting more angry over a newspaper headline than when I saw "Bush Commutes Libby Sentence, Saying 30 Months ‘Is Excessive’" on the front of Tuesday's New York Times. I'm appalled, disgusted, and embarrassed to be sharing this national holiday with a leader like this.

When I called camp last week to tell them I was coming for the holiday weekend, I was warned, "no fireworks this year." Maybe that's fitting, because I'm in no mood to celebrate my country right now.

Story of the Week -- June 25-29

2007-06-30T08:52:00.001-05:00

China Buffet - um, don't eat that. Or that. And drive safely, your tires may explode. And careful when you brush your teeth tonight.

I've had some serious flashbacks lately to freshman year and this class I took on globalization.

There was this assignment we had to do. We were supposed to go through our closets and find out where all of our clothes were made, and then write how we felt about it.

I remember thinking it was kind of neat how my pants were made in Malaysia and my sneakers came from Guatemala or something, how the shirt I was wearing had, to that point, had many better travel adventures than I (not to mention all those trips through the wash) It didn't really bother me that the shirt was probably made by a 9 year old girl. Hey, for a nine year old, she did a pretty good job.

One thing that also surprised me was that not everything I owned was made in China. I had just assumed most stuff was. Growing up, "made in China" was one of the first phrases I learned to read (maybe, I don't really remember, but for argument's sake, let's say it was. It could have been) It was stamped on lots of toys, especially the ones that came in happy meals.

It still is. Lately, though, "made in China" isn't as trustworthy as it used to be. 24 different toys have been recalled so far this year in the United States. All of the recalls are for toys made in China. In one of the worst cases, Thomas the Tank Engine Trains - you know, the little wooden trains the toddlers tend to chew on as much as they play with - were recalled when the company that sells the trains discovered that the Chinese factory was using lead-based paints to paint the toys.

We also found out that the same chemicals China uses to make its plastic toys might be finding its way into a number of brands of pet foods. Oh, and 450,000 tires that they've exporting to New Jersey don't meet safety standards. And your toothpaste might be mixed with a chemical usually found in antifreeze.

And that shrimp fried rice you have there, you can keep eating it, but it might give you cancer later. This is the latest one - after a nearly 6 year investigation, the FDA concluded that fish farmers in China are giving harmful additives to the fish, and ordered a ban on at least four types of Chinese seafood, including catfish, eel and shrimp. The additives have caused cancer in lab animals, and the FDA doesn't want to take anymore chances. But this isn't a recall situation, it's just a precaution.

What we're going through with China isn't mad cow, but there is potential. If what they put in the pet food finds its way into human food (not unlikely considering the deadly chemical was added to wheat gluten), we might start to see some terror on some faces at the grocery store unless something is done. Good thing we're doing something, and we're not worried about pissing off China in the process. Because, we're pissing off China in the process.

But American companies are being responsible for a change, thanks to the wave of recalls that doesn't seem like it will stop any time soon. Companies like Toys R Us, Kellogg's and General Mills, are stepping up scrutiny of Chinese products.

The only question I have is, why haven't we been doing this all along? And the answer is that you don't ask a lot of questions when food is cheaper, toys are cheaper, and tires are cheaper. And big companies don't ask a lot of questions when profits are higher. The beauty of globalization is that things are cheaper and people make more money. The reason I don't care that my t-shirt was made by a 9 year old girl is it cost me $9 instead of $20, and now I have $11 to spend on faulty tires and tainted seafood.

So, I'm sorry Fido and Rex and little baby Timmy who likes to put toys in his mouth had to suffer before we did something about it, but I'm glad we're doing something about it.

Now I'm glad I did that globalization excercise. It's good to know not everything was made in China.

Foofaraw Immortalized

2007-06-28T09:12:00.000-05:00

in today's New York Times Crossword:

58. Foofaraw

3 letters.

Can you get it?

Story of the Week -- June 18-22

2007-06-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

In the Middle of Everything

Palestinians, for a change, are killing Palestinians. In Gaza, a piece of land half the size of Washington D.C, utter chaos broke out, then Hamas (essentially, "democratically" elected terrorists) took control, then Mahmoud Abbas and Fatah dissolved one government and set up another. Then the sun set.

I mean, it happened that quickly. And now there's talk of 3 independent states in an area the size of New Jersey (I know, I'm getting carried away with the comparative size thing, but the point is these people are and have been fighting over a very tiny piece of the world) 3 states? Palestinians can't keep the lights on and the children fed in one state, now they want two because they can't get along with each other?

Thankfully, the rest of the world refuses to recognize a Hamas-only government, and have gone as far as to promise money and weapons to Fatah (careful there) so they can fight Hamas. Then, I guess, cause they hadn't done it in a while, Hamas launches a couple of Qassams into Israel, Israel does the whole retaliatory thing and at the same time they allow Gazans who need medical attention to get out of Gaza. And here we are, for now.

I'll be honest, the more I try to make sense of what's going on in Gaza and the West Bank and try to figure out what's good and what's bad for Israel, the more hopelessly confused I get.

But this I know: In the middle of everything, 3500 people marched in a gay pride parade in Jerusalem.

Long Live Israel.

As one columnist put it, "Israel may have more faults per capita than any nation in the world" but he was proud of Israel for having the parade in Jerusalem, even if there was some controversy attached to it. For me, I'm proud of it especially because there was controversy attached to it.

Israel is extremely diverse, and the Jews of Israel are divided by differences in heritage (askenazi vs. sephardic), religion (religious vs. secular), politics, social standing (sabras vs. immigrants, and then what kind of immigrant...) On top of that, they're all Jews. What's the old saying? put 10 Jews in a room together and you'll get 15 different opinions? It's like that. How could a gay pride parade in the holiest city on earth NOT evoke some controversy?

While the 3500 people were marching in the parade, some 1500 ultra-Orthodox Jews demonstrated against the parade. 7,500 policemen (that's 1/3 of the country's police force) were sent to Jerusalem to ensure a peaceful demonstration on both sides. At least a dozen of the ultra orthodox were arrested for anything from planting fake explosives to setting garbage cans on fire. And 23 others were arrested the night before the parade.

Most Orthodox rabbis publicly forbade violence against homosexuals in spite of their religious opposition to homosexuality and a demonstration of homosexual openness in Jerusalem, of all places. Instead, they went on Israeli TV and spoke out against the parade, and debated those who supported it, in the way public discourse is supposed to take place in a democracy with free speech.

The parade happened, the protests happened. No one was killed. In spite of all their differences, Jews are learning to live with other Jews.

Meanwhile in Gaza, Palestinians, divided politically and by little else, are killing each other.

http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/873728.html

Too Much of a Halfway Decent Thing

2007-06-20T09:48:00.000-05:00

Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic will do the play-by-play for the second game of ESPN's Monday Night Football opening doubleheader.

1. STOP with the Monday Night Football Doubleheaders. It started as a necessity in 2005 after Hurricane Katrina. The NFL was figuring out what to do with the Giants-Saints game that was supposed to be in New Orleans. They came up with "play it in New Jersey" only the Jets were occupying the stadium Sunday, so they came up with "play it on Monday." And ESPN thought it was a great idea. It's not. One game on Monday night is enough, thank you.

2. ENOUGH Mike and Mike. Having a halfway decent, tolerable, good-for-all-timezones radio show doesn't mean they should be everywhere! First Arena Football, then the Spelling Bee, now they're Madden and Michaels?? No. NO NO NO.
Oh, and adding Mike Ditka doesn't sweeten the deal. Especially after I have to listen to Tirico and Ron Jaworski in game one. I used to like Monday Night Football.

3. DON'T MAKE ME TALK ABOUT FOOTBALL IN JUNE!!!!

Story of the Week -- June 11-15

2007-06-15T12:08:00.000-05:00

I chose to write this week's story as an allegory.

Georgie and the Albanians

The Puppy Who Lost His Way

About 6 years ago, the States family got a new dog.

They named him Georgie.

One day, Georgie went over to the Tigris family's yard and started digging.

He dug for days and days but never seemed to find anything.

Then he attacked the Tigris family dog for no reason.

Then he brought his things over to the Tigris family's yard and burried them.

By now, most of the yard is destroyed. The Tigris family is very mad at Georgie. So are the other families in the neighborhood.

Georgie is getting old. He's stubborn and mean to the other dogs. He never seems to want to do anything fun. He just likes to play in the bushes.

The States family is just plain tired of Georgie.

So this week, they decided to take Georgie for a walk around the neighborhood. They want people to like Georgie again.

First they went to see the Deutsch family. The Deutsch family has had some really mean dogs before, but they seem to have forgotten, and they just hate Georgie.

They don't like when Georgie sniffs their dog's butt. When he sees their dog, Angie, he goes right for it again. "Georgie! Mrs. States yells, "stop sniffing Angie's butt!"

But Georgie can't help it."Go away, Georgie" yells the Deutsch family.

Next, Georgie goes to the Frank family's house. The Frank family just got a new dog, Nicky.

Georgie doesn't pay attention to Nicky. The Frank family never liked the States family that much, though. And nobody really knows why.

But when Georgie comes by, they yell him "Go away Georgie! We don't want you here!"

Next they take Georgie to the Pasta's house. "It always smells so good here" says Mr. States.

But they won't let Georgie come near them. They are really mad at Georgie for what he did to the Tigris family's yard. "Go away, Georgie!" they yell.

"It's no use," says Mrs. States. "Nobody likes our stupid dog. Let's go home."

But just then, the family passes by a small house next door to the Pastas. This is the house of the Albanian family.

The Albanians are a strange family. They have two small children who don't like to play outside. And they don't have a dog. In fact, they've never even seen a dog before.

When they see Georgie walk by, they go crazy. They run to him. They pet him. And they kiss him. "We Love You, Georgie," they say. "You're the best dog."

Even Mr. States is surprised that the Albanians love Georgie. Then again, he didn't even know there was a house here before.

The Albanian kids bring treats for Georgie. Georgie licks their faces and wags his mangled tail. It's been a long time since somebody was this nice to Georgie.

"Kids, how would you like it if Georgie came and lived with you?" says Mrs. States. The Albanian kids jump up and down with excitement. They hug Georgie. "We love you, Georgie!" they say again.

Mrs. States says "Well, if they love him so much, they can keep him. We can go get another dog."

And they left Georgie to live with the Albanians.

And everyone was happy.

The End.

If only the end part had really happened, too........

On the other hand, less than 600 days til we can but ol' Georgie down for good!

FOOFARAW

2007-06-14T07:27:00.000-05:00

Today is Flag Day.

Flag day commemorates the adoption of the US Flag by the Second Continental Congress in 1777. It was proclaimed a holiday by President Woodrow Wilson in 1916, and made National Flag Day by an act of Congress in 1949.

The largest Flag Day Parade in America takes place in (where else?) Troy, NY. This is from the Troy website:

Troy's most enduring event, The Troy Flag Day Parade is now in its 40th
continuous year and is the largest parade in the nation in honor of the American
flag. The 2007 edition of the Troy Flag Day Parade takes place Sunday, June 10th
with a line up of exciting attractions. The Parade steps off at 1:00pm Sunday,
June 10th with many new attractions added to the line-up

No day off for Flag Day? They had to move the parade to Sunday? You're lame, Troy, NY. Have some respect, celebrate on the actual Flag Day.

http://www.troyny.org/visittroy/flagdayparade.html
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Here's a few more fusses over matters of little importance...

Top 10 Reasons I won't be getting an iPhone when it comes out on June 29th:
10. I already have a phone.
9. I already have an iPod.
8. That thing is wayyyy too cool for me.
7. I'm secretly hoping it doesn't sell so CNN doesn't feel obligated to report the sales record.
6. Full color screen? movies, music, email, internet and a phone in that little thing? How long does the battery last, 5 minutes?
5. TV on my phone? Who gives a shit? I want a car that flies and folds into a brief case!
4. It costs $500 AND you have to join Cingular (which is now AT&T. That doesn't make them any better)
3. Commercials every 5 minutes on TV telling me how cool the iPhone is, displacing the awesome Mac/PC commercials
2. There's NO WAY they have all the kinks worked out
1. I DON'T NEED ONE

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The more I think about the Sopranos finale, the more I love it.

There are 3 ways it ends in my head:
The half full part of me thinks Tony fixed his family and now they're having an innocent, childhood-like family dinner in a classic Jersey diner.

The half empty part thinks the guy comes out of the bathroom with a gun and whacks the whole family.

The film major part of me thinks David Chase was portraying the closest thing possible to Tony's point of view, making the viewer suspicious of every other person in that restaurant with a clever use of cutaways, close-ups, and benign dialogue and creating palpable tension, then letting the viewer decide for himself.

The genius of it all is that you could very well disagree with me threefold. And I'm fine with that.

=========================================================

By far the best part about Gmail: the smiley faces flip right side up when you type them on Gmail chat. :)

Ask anyone who has Gmail, they'll tell you.

And you say we're the high tech computer-savvy generation....

=========================================================

Ok, this one's important. Working at CNN, I get one of these emails every day:

BAGHDAD (CNN) -- Iraq's Interior Ministry on Thursday said 25 slain,
unidentified bodies were found on the streets of Baghdad Wednesday.
These killings -- which have been a daily occurrence since the first
Al-Askariya Mosque attack in Samarra last year -- are thought to be the result
of the Sunni-Shiite sectarian violence that flared up after that attack.
That Shiite mosque was attacked again on Wednesday.
The slain bodies, found dumped across the capital, are usually bound,
peppered with bullets, and tortured.
There have been 314 such killings in Baghdad this month alone.

Every. Day.

Story of the Week -- June 4-8

2007-06-08T13:32:00.000-05:00

Part 2 of 5,600 Furlongs from Baltimore is now up at The Travelers Pen! Check it out! The story continues...then it ends. http://thetravelerspen.com/

Here's the story of the week.

It’s short this week, but important, and to the point. And if I write any more about this subject, I think my head will explode.

The Most Important Story

The most important story this week, by far, is Paris Hilton went to jail to serve a 45 day sentence the War in Iraq. A lot has happened to Paris in Iraq this week. The situation continues to get worse, with no end in sight.

For one thing, the number of days Paris has been sentenced to serve is ridiculous US soldiers killed there since the war began more than four years ago topped 3,500. May was a tough month for Paris Hilton but she made the best of it one of the deadliest months of the war, with 127 killed, and there have been close to 30 deaths in June already. In fact, Paris Hilton went to the Billboard Music Awards for one last hurrah before she reported to jail Monday night an average of four soldiers have been killed every day in Iraq this month.

The story is far from over. 3 Days Soon after Paris Hilton went to jail the 3500th soldier was killed, she was released Muqtada al Sadr, the radical Shiite cleric, gave his first interview since the troop surge was announced, reportedly for ‘medical reasons,’ in which he blamed all of Iraq’s problems on the U.S presence there.

On Thursday, Paris Hilton was ordered to spend the rest of her sentence under house arrest at least 63 Iraqis were killed in a series of bombings, shootings, mortar attacks and execution-style killings that have sadly become part of everyday life in Iraq. Most Americans want to see Paris Hilton serve her entire term believe the surge to be a failure at this point, but General David Petraeus stressed that it is too early to see the progress of the surge, since the full troop buildup is not yet complete.

Today, a judge ordered Paris Hilton to return to court in person Lieutenant General Douglas Lute, Bush’s new war czar, admitted that the surge would only have a temporary impact. And Paris Hilton will be escorted to court by police, where she might be ordered to return to jail at least 16 people were killed in two car bombs we have video of Paris Hilton! We have video of Paris Hilton being brought back to court.

It is still shocking, though that Paris Hilton in handcuffs! On tape, confirmed as the death toll rises and the violence escalates, Paris Hilton, support for the war and belief in the surge strategy seems to be wavering even among President Bush’s closest advisers and Paris Hilton highest military personnel. We need to know what’s going to happen next with Paris Hilton may be at a crucial point in this war, at a place where the time Paris Hilton spends in jail may be increased may finally be right to think about a working strategy and a way to actually keep Paris Hilton in jail for her entire sentence end this long, hard, and increasingly more deadly wait tell me more about Paris Hilton I need to know war.

Bad Advice

2007-06-04T12:22:00.000-05:00

I've heard this twice now, and I gotta say I have a problem with this particular bit of advice.

First it was a central theme in an episode of Gray's Anatomy in which George kept calling Torres a pig. Funny stuff (notreallyIhopethatshowgetsgoodagainnextseasoncauseitwasprettybadtowardtheendofthisone...)
and then I heard that Brian Billick (head coach of the Baltimore Ravens) used it in a graduation speech. Does that mean Brian Billick watches Gray's? With his players? Does Ray Lewis cry when he watches Gray's Anatomy? These are questions for another time. Anyway, the advice Billick steals from Gray's and gives to graduates is this:

"In a bacon and eggs breakfast, the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed. Be that pig."

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

In a bacon and eggs breakfast, the chicken is involved, but the pig is DEAD! Dead, skinned, quartered, sliced into strips and fried in scalding oil! The chicken, meanwhile, laid an egg, got up and went across the street for Starbucks. And lived, to contribute to yet another breakfast.

Don't take this the wrong way (ladies...) I'm not afraid of commitment in the slightest, but in this scenario, I think, given a choice, I'll be the chicken.

Update to Story of the Week

2007-06-04T07:47:00.001-05:00

I found out over the weekend that Spelling Bee champion Evan O'Dorney does indeed have Asperger's Syndrome, something I suspected but didn't want to mention unless I knew for sure.

On Friday, Evan appeared on CNN's American Morning. Keiran Chetry interviewed him, then gave him a word to spell. Only she mispronounced it, then couldn't give him the language of origin, then told him he was right when he wasn't (and the word was, of course, spelled out on the screen). It was a disaster. Why? Aside from the obvious reasons, Evan couldn't laugh along when Keiran got flustered, he just kept asking for the language of origin. He was a terrible interview.

Which returns to my point from the original point about home schooling. Kids with Asberger's are highly intelligent. Their academic excellence is inevitable. They need school for the social aspect as much as for the academics. Home schooling takes away that chance.

Put the Spelling Bee trophy on the shelf, put the money away for college and send Evan to a public high school. It'll do him good.

Sorry, it'll do him well. (see? public school worked for me...)